Popular topics and icon codes

Do it your way

Welcome to our world and the journey. As you can see, we take ourselves seriously but not too seriously. And introductions are usually very dull, so you’re not going to get one, at least not in the traditional sense.

YOU aims to be supportive, straight-talking and fun and should help you get the best out of being gay, particularly if you’re starting out or questioning your sexuality or gender.

Getting the best out of YOU should be the same as getting the best out of life: do it your way! Please let us know if you have any suggestions as to how we can make YOU better.

The spectrum

Today’s younger 21st-century generation has a significantly different understanding of these issues than previous generations, embracing an evolving language that better describes who they are and how they feel.

Also, talking about sex, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation can be daunting for those who were raised with a more fixed or narrower view of gender (a man or woman), sex (male or female), or sexuality (gay or straight).

For some, our sexuality and gender identity are clear(er); for others, less so and can be more fluid.

The spectrum illustrated here (and there are variations) can help visualise how you feel at any given time.

“If you were born with a penis, society expects you to look, act and dress in one way, and if you were born with vulva, society expects you to be the opposite. Many people assume that the sex you were assigned at birth (eg: male) will determine your gender identity (man), your gender expression (masculine) and your sexual orientation and behaviour (straight). Men are supposed to be dominant, rational and providers while women are expected to be submissive, emotional and nurturing. That’s not for everyone! People identify in many ways—in between and outside of the categories of man/ woman, male/ female, masculine/ feminine and gay/ straight. Our lives are much more complex than the pink and blue boxes set by the gender binary.” Send the Right Message | US

Check out our A-Z glossary of words and terms, including …

Books

What does gay mean?

The word gay is most commonly used to describe people who are physically and romantically attracted to other people of the same gender (male or female). Simply put men who have sex with other men, and fall in love with men; and women who have sex with other women, and fall in love with women.

While the word gay is used for both men and women, gay is usually used to describe men while women are described as lesbians.

Sex, gender, and sexuality

Before we say more about sexuality (being gay) there are some basics we should cover first:

• sex (assigned at birth)
• gender; gender identity, and gender expression
• sexuality

They are often lumped together though they are different parts of who we are.

Your sex assigned at birth

Your sex assigned at birth is the biological and physical characteristics used to define people as male or female. These include:

• X and Y chromosomes
• whether you have external or internal sex organs (penis or vagina)
• types and levels of hormones
• hair growth
• breast development
• what is recorded on your birth certificate

Some people are born intersex and have characteristics that don’t fit typical definitions of male and female.

Your gender identity

Your gender is how you feel about yourself:

• Your internal and personal sense of being a boy or man, or a girl or woman, both or another gender
• The way you communicate, behave and identify with others
• The acceptance or non-acceptance of your ‘membership’ to society and attitudes and behaviours it expects of you

It’s not about whether you were born with a penis or a vagina.

Gender or gender identity is generally accepted to be a social invention and hundreds if not thousands of years old, depending on whether you want to look at more recent times or go back to the year dot. This means it does not exist naturally but rather is a series of ideas, rules, conventions, expectations that have evolved to enable society to work, and work better (if usually for the majority). However, this may not reflect how you truly feel, behave, or define yourself so society’s categories or pigeonholes for what is masculine and feminine have always been acceptable for some while less so for others.

Non-binary genders and gender variants

Terms primarily used by the LGBT+ communities, male and female genders are also referred to as gender binary, binary meaning composed of or involving two things (male and female). Non-binary genders refer to any gender that does not fit within the binary of male and female, genderqueer, being an example. 

The term is also used by individuals wishing to identify as falling outside of the gender binary without being any more specific about the nature of their gender. For example, a person might say “I’m not sure if there is a term for my gender but I know it’s non-binary” or “I consider myself as gender variant.”

Your gender expression

Gender expression is how a person chooses to outwardly express (show) their gender. For example:

• Choice of clothing
• General physical appearance
• Behaviour toward others
• Way they carry themselves
• Way they speak

Your sexuality

Your sexuality or sexual orientation is who you are attracted to romantically and/ or sexually.

We should also include romantic orientation because we may have strong romantic relationships which do not necessarily involve sex, and where sex in itself is not necessarily the final goal or endpoint.

• Gay and lesbian (or homosexual) if you are attracted to people of the same sex or gender
• Bisexual or bi if you are attracted to both men and women
• Pansexual is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity
• Straight (or heterosexual) if you are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender
• Asexual if you are not sexually attracted to either men or women
• Others self-identify as Queer because they feel sexual attraction isn’t about labels and/ or it’s a political statement

There are other ways to identify your sexuality but you should not feel pressured to label yourself (or be labelled) in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. While the sexual orientations listed here are more usual, more emerge as we learn, and LGBT+ people self-define. For example:

• “The survey received 108,100 valid responses from individuals aged 16 or over who were living in the UK and self-identified as LGBT or intersex. Sexual orientation: 61% of respondents identified as gay or lesbian and a quarter (26%) identified as bisexual. A small number identified as pansexual (4%), asexual (2%) and queer (1%).” | The National LGBT Survey | Government Qualities Office; pg.8 | 2018
• “More than 1 in 5 LGBTQ youth described themselves as something other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. While 78% responded that their sexual orientation was gay, lesbian, or bisexual, a full 21% selected the option for “something else.” These included demisexual, panromantic sexual, ace spectrum, grey sexual and polysexual. | Research Brief: Diversity of Youth Sexual Orientation | Trevor Project | 2019

To be, or not to be, queer

The meaning of ‘queer’ has changed a lot over recent decades. From being a slur to being reclaimed by some LGBT+ people and being rejected by others. The short answer is that ‘queer’ means different things to different people.

There’re lots of reasons why people identify with ‘queer’, either individually or as an umbrella term. It encompasses a wide range of identities and doesn’t risk excluding groups that the acronym may leave out. Some people find queer’s ambiguity appealing since it gives a sense of community without the need for a more specific label. You might be gay, I might be trans – but we’re both queer, and that brings us together.

For some, using ‘queer’ also aims to be an all-inclusive, a unifying umbrella term that includes people who are same-gender attracted and gender diverse as well as the intersections of people and identities within our community. Also, people like it because it’s easy to say and has a whole lot fewer syllables than LGBTIQ and overall, it’s easier to use and remember, especially if this is all new to you.

There are people who dislike the term, mostly due of the fact that it has also been a term that’s used as a slur (a word people use with hate). In the 1960s onwards, people used the word queer as a weapon, usually saying it when attacking or trying to humiliate LGBTIQ people. It wasn’t until the 1980s when activists began to reclaim it, writing it on banners and flags when marching and protesting.

Lesbians and lesbianism

Lesbianism is the sexual and romantic desire between women. The word comes from “Lesbos”, the Greek island in the Mediterranean. Lesbos was home to Sappho, a Greek poet who explored themes of women’s lives. While some women use the term ‘lesbian’ to describe themselves, others prefer other terms such as ‘gay’ or ‘queer’, while others prefer no label at all.

For some, the term “dyke” is offensive slang for lesbian. While its origins are a derogatory/ homophobic slur meaning masculine or butch, it has been reclaimed by some women as a positive to describe themselves as tough, resilient and/ or assertive. Note: a dike (with an ‘i’) is a natural or artificial barrier used to manage/ regulate water levels.

Historically, there are far fewer mentions of lesbianism than male homosexuality, primarily due to historical writings and records primarily written by men, focusing on men. Imagine that?!*

Books

News and features

Bisexuality

Bisexuality is the romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behaviour toward both men (males) and women (females). A bisexual person may be attracted to one gender more than another, equally attracted to all genders, or may consider gender unimportant in terms of attraction. Furthermore, a person’s attraction toward one gender or another may shift over time.

Though this is changing, bisexual men and women have often been forgotten or seen as an after-thought within the LGBT+ community. This is strange, given it’s the third letter in LGBT!

Bisexual men and women are also characterised as people who don’t exist or are “just going through a phase”, “sexually greedy”, “gay really”, or “can’t make up their mind”. These views are untrue and disrespectful.

Be an ally

• Ask questions, pick up a book, watch a film
• Use inclusive language
• Learn and educate others
• Call out biphobia
• Remember 23 September, Bi Visibility Day

The bisexual flag

The bisexual pride flag was designed by Michael Page in 1998 to give the bisexual community its symbol comparable to the gay pride flag of the larger LGBT community. He aimed to increase the visibility of bisexuals, both among society as a whole and within the LGBT community. The pink represents gay or homosexual attractions, the blue represents attractions to different genders, and the purple (in the middle) represents attraction regardless of sex or gender. 

More

Trans and transgender

Trans and transgender individuals have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from the sex that they were assigned at birth.

A trans man is a term used to describe someone who is assigned female at birth but identifies and lives as a man. This may be shortened to trans man, or FTM, an abbreviation for female-to-male.

A trans woman is a term used to describe someone who is assigned male at birth but identifies and lives as a woman. This may be shortened to trans woman, or MTF, an abbreviation for male-to-female.

​​Transitioning are the steps trans people take to live in the gender with which they identify. One person’s transition may vary from another; for some, this involves hormone therapy and surgeries, though not all trans people want or are able to have this. Transitioning can also involve telling friends and family, dressing differently, and changing official documents.

​Transphobia is the fear or dislike of someone based on the fact they are trans, including denying their gender identity or refusing to accept it. Transphobia may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, trans.

​ “Transsexual” was used in the past as a more medical term (similar to homosexual), but it is outdated and many find its use offensive.

London Trans Pride | London Trans Pride
 UK Trans Pride | MEN R US