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Loss and grief

Grieving over past drug use can be a complex and emotional process. It involves coming to terms with the impact that chems use had on many areas of a person’s life, relationships, and well-being. This grief is part of the healing process.

This grief can be for the person you were before you starting using chems, but it can also be for the person you were whilst using chems.

• Loss of time: Grieving the time spent using chems, especially if it resulted in harms, missed opportunities, damaged relationships, and ‘lost years’.
• Regret and guilt: actions taken while using chems, including mistakes, poor decisions, or hurting yourself and others. These feelings can be hard to resolve and accept.
• Grief for a "different self": people might grieve who they were when they were using, especially if that person felt more confident, carefree, or disconnected from reality.
  Missed connections: people can use chems as a way to cope with emotional pain or to connect with others. They might grieve the loss of those coping mechanisms or the false sense of intimacy that drug use has provided.
• Identity and culture: drug use can become a part of a person’s identity, and some gay men view recreational drugs as part of their identity and culture. Losing or changing this part of themselves may cause confusion, a sense of identity loss, a loss of belonging, and can be felt keenly.
• Physical and mental healing: recovery can bring up physical or psychological pain from past chems use, and the process of healing can feel like mourning the body or mind you once had.

Saying goodbye to the ‘high’
Saying goodbye to the high can be as devastating and as complicated as losing a loved. All the stages of grief apply to this journey you are undertaking and the process will involve many mixed emotions. Let them in lovingly and allow them to happen.

You will need come to terms with the idea of never ‘seeing’ the high again, bargaining to find ways to make it possible, and anger that you can't just enjoy a ‘little play' without it turning into addiction again.

Getting rid of ‘stuff’
Disposing of supplies, gear and other paraphernalia can be incredibly difficult and cause many strong feelings. Our emotional attachment to these items can often be complex and confusing. But think of this event as day one of your grieving journey. It’s important to be gentle with yourself, seek support from peers or professionals, and remember that recovery is a journey of self-compassion and growth.