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Relationship difficulties

We wouldn’t be human if our relationships didn’t have difficulties, and many of them are simply part and parcel of being together. The secret is to tackle them early before they fester and resentment builds up. However, some behaviour – by either of you – can indicate deeper and more serious problems.

Why LGBT+ relationships can struggle

• Fragile foundations: fuckability, sexual attraction compatibility, attraction, chemistry, or shared trauma don’t equal long-term compatibility. Values, goals and emotional safety matter.
• Uneven effort: when one partner carries the relationship, emotionally, logistically, or sexually, it quietly builds resentment and burnout.
• Internalised shame: growing up without affirming models can lead to secrecy, fear of vulnerability, or craving intensity over stability.
• External pressure: housing and homelessness, isolation, transphobia, racism, or immigration stress can push relationships into survival mode early on.

Challenges unique to LGBT+ relationships

• Minority stress: homophobia, transphobia, and family rejection can strain otherwise healthy dynamics.
• Different stages of identity: if one partner is newly out or still exploring, it can create painful gaps in pace or expression.
• Few safe models: many of us are still inventing queer love while living it.
• Limited safe space: public affection, legal protections, and social support aren’t always guaranteed.

Signals and signs that things may not be working. While the list is virtually endless, here are some typical examples:

• Bad moods, disagreements and rows
• Being argumentative or deliberately contradicting each other
• Monosyllabic conversations or the silent treatment
• Sniping and backstabbing when out with friends
• Being demanding and bossy
• Interrupting privacy and space
• Long work hours at the expense of the relationship
• Resistance to touch, cuddles and hugs
• Noticeably less sex, or hurried, emotionless sex
• Abuse of drugs and alcohol
• Refusal to return calls or respond to messages
• Failure to keep appointments and agreements, eg: regarding open relationships
• Moving out!

Being in love can skew your judgement, and while the shit has been hitting the fan regularly we can be oblivious to the fact that something is wrong. In the end, nothing gets sorted out if you don’t work it out for yourself. We tend to be optimistic, reluctant to admit shortcomings, and eager to rationalise or forgive inappropriate and destructive behaviour. Before long, we can’t see the wood for the trees.

Even if we recognise a problem, our ability to act can be hindered by a fear of losing him, being lonely (again) and throwing away everything you've built together. One of the most challenging things to do is to get him into a frame of mind where he will tell you what’s wrong, so that you can work towards a solution together. If you’re the one being the arsehole then you’ve got to get through the anger and resentment before you can start making things better.
 
Thylacine | Alex Lampsos | 23 Feb 2014 | 10m 10s
A young couple nearing their nine-month anniversary hits a roadblock when one decides to have lunch with an admirer. Their relationship is tested as they face their insecurities along the way.