Popular Topics and icon codes

Our road map

Whether you want to find, kiss, hug, or hold them; date, love, fuck or marry them, we hope there’s something in MEN for you. We’re just a bunch of gay men who wanted a road map, so we made one.

We know we can’t please everyone, but that ship sailed the moment we put pen to paper. Even so, we hope we’ve given you a starting point to explore and a reference point to return to should you need it.

Let us know if we should add or change anything, though there’s a reasonable chance you’ll be asked to help us make it better.

Something About You | Elderbrook + Rudimental |  19 Aug 2019 | 4m 7s
Directed by Luke Davies, the video from “Something About You” focuses on the importance of young men’s mental health. The video begins with a group of men sitting at a therapy session together when Michael is asked to share his emotions. Reluctantly, he stands up and begins to dance. As he continues, the other men start to join, until they are all dancing together. This visual challenges the idea of toxic masculinity, and perfectly highlights the beauty and solidarity that come with emotional vulnerability. [EDM Music]

Men loving men

This section is a happy accident, prompted by the publication of two books “63 E 9th Street. NYC Polaroids 1975 –1983” and “Loving: A Photographic History of Men in Love, 1850-1950″; and the discovery of a photograph from 1949 of two men with a handwritten note on the back: “To Buzz, I’ll always remember the times we spent together … All my love, your Tommy.”

The book’s photographs and Polaroids are a testament to love and affection between men at a time when being homosexual (or gay) was illegal, with persecution and harsh prison sentences when caught. It’s also worth noting that the Polaroids were taken on the cusp of the HIV and AIDS epidemic which laid waste a generation of gay men like those depicted, many starting out in life.

Buzz and Tommy

As for Buzz and Tommy, all we have are clues and it’s unlikely we’ll ever know their story. But, there is something seductive, even heartwarming, to want to believe that they embarked on the holiday romance of a lifetime. And yet, the same year, the United States Department of Defence standardised anti-homosexual regulations across all branches of the military: “Homosexual personnel, irrespective of sex, should not be permitted to serve in any branch of the Armed Forces in any capacity, and prompt separation of known homosexuals from the Armed Forces is mandatory.”

TikTok

This is a far cry from today’s TikTok endorphin soaked gay culture. While it’s almost impolite not to strip off for your boyfriend on camera, there’s something more in these everyday vintage photographs filled with love and defiance, and revealing how gay men are threaded through – while also apart from – society and history. Some of the smaller codified gestures can be difficult to find while the position of a hand, entwined legs, or even a kiss seem terrifyingly brave.

Of the Polaroids, Bianchi recalls. “Back then we were in the early days of a revolution that seemed inevitably headed to a more loving, playful and tolerant way of being. We were innocents.” In contrast, many of the vintage photographs in “Loving” seem to express a forbidden love in which burned hardship and repressed emotions. One can only imagine the days leading to the click of the shutter, and the stories behind each photograph.

LGBT+ people have come such a long way in 100 years so perhaps it’s a little silly to compare photographs like these with TikTok. Nevertheless, it’s difficult not to be moved by these men loving men, immortalised on nitrate and cellulose acetate film, for us to celebrate and remember.

Loving: A Photographic History of Men in Love, 1850-1950

Loving: A Photographic History of Men in Love, 1850-1950 portrays the history of romantic love between men in hundreds of moving and tender vernacular photographs taken between the years 1850 and 1950. This visual narrative of astonishing sensitivity brings to light an until-now-unpublished collection of hundreds of snapshots, portraits, and group photos taken in the most varied of contexts, both private and public.

Taken when male partnerships were often illegal, the photos here were found at flea markets, in shoe boxes, family archives, old suitcases, and later online and at auctions. The collection now includes photos from all over the world: Australia, Bulgaria, Canada, Croatia, France, Germany, Japan, Greece, Latvia, the United States, the United Kingdom, Russia, and Serbia.

63 E 9th Street. NYC Polaroids 1975 –1983

In 1975 Tom Bianchi moved to New York City and took a job as in-house counsel at Columbia Pictures. That first year Tom was given a Polaroid SX – 70 camera by Columbia Pictures at a corporate conference. He took that camera to the Pines on summer weekends, those pictures became the book, ‘Fire Island Pines. Polaroids 1975 – 1983’ published in 2013. Now some 44 years later we finally get a first look at another extraordinary collection of polaroids by Tom taken in his NYC apartment at 63 East 9th Street. Whereas Fire Island is an expansive communal experience happening on a sunny sand bar outside of the city under huge open skies, Tom’s New York apartment was an intimate track lit den, a safe stage where he and his friends invited each other to play out their erotic night games. Tom’s ‘NYC Polaroids’ take us behind the closed door of his apartment, “Back then we were in the early days of a revolution that seemed inevitably headed to a more loving, playful and tolerant way of being. We were innocents.” Bianchi recalls.

Friends

For most of us, a day won’t go by without contacting a friend or mate. Whether it’s to catch up, make plans, it seems our world is falling apart, or we just need cheering up, we turn to our friends.

Granted, friendships can take a back seat when a man walks into our life but they’re there to help you pick up the pieces after the little sod has moved on (despite the fact you deserted them while you were loved up in your flat with Mr Right).

Gay men have shared identities, coming out stories and common histories which bind us and are a bedrock of our extended family that not only protects us against loneliness and isolation, but also provides a space where we are loved, supported and valued.

Underlying the magic which brings friends together is time, mutual give and take, and respect if friendships are to remain happy and healthy. Being with the wrong people who don’t love you for who you are can damage your self-image and do more harm than practically anything else. Bottom line: surround yourself with good friends and dump the ones who put you down or use you as a punch-bag.

Importantly, people come in and out of our lives for a stack of reasons: by chance, through friends, serendipity, and circumstance. It’s at this point that the seeds of friendship are often sown. Some flourish, some struggle, while some just don’t survive, however much we invest in them. But some endure over the passage of time and it’s these which will deepen and grow stronger.

Meeting new people | Being Gay is OK
Get out and about and active | MEN R US

How to Make Gay Friends | wikiHow | 10 Feb 2023
How to make gay friends: an LGBT friendship guid | Skip the small talk | USA | 9 Jun 2022
How to Make More LGBTQ Friends | Vice | USA | 22 June 2020
How can I make gay friends without having sex with them? | Queerty | 6 Jan 2018
 The emerging science of ‘bromosexual’ friendships | The Conversation | 13 Dec 2016

The art of gay friending | Matthew J Dempsey | 27 Nov 2017 | 9m 30s

Tips for finding and making friends

In prepping this content, one of our younger volunteers told us about his father who is a teacher, now retired. As you can imagine, he met many people, young and old, who were shy, reserved, anxious and nervous. The top tip he passed on to his son about making friends, or at least getting a conversation going, is to find out a person’s passion or hobby and get them to talk about it. It could be sci-fi, pole dancing, abseiling, stamp collecting, or drag. It’s a great way to break the ice and who knows where it might lead.

The gay thing

For some, sexuality (whether we disclose it or not to others) is not an issue while others prefer to meet other LGBT+ people. If you’d rather not go to bars and clubs (or use apps) get involved in something socially. Check out our Get Out and Active directory.

The focus

It can also be easier, and less stressful, to make friends by not approaching it head-on, rather find an activity which you can enjoy with like-minded people, the focus being the activity rather than being in “I need a friend” mode.

We have lists

Top tips for making friends on the Internet are broadly similar but we’ve pulled together several lists which caught our eye:

7 ways to meet guys* | LGBT Hero

1. Talk to strangers
2. Work
3. Play sport
4. Volunteer
5. Network
6. Go to the gym
7. Take risks

How to make friends as an adult in 4 simple steps | Huff Post

1. Start by getting to know yourself
2. Develop your physical and emotional resources
3. Chase your passions, not people
4. Be proactive and invite people into your life

Seven hilarious ways Londoners make friends, as told by Redditors | Time Out

1. Go to a Meetup
2. Try dating apps
3. Take up sports
4. Join a club
5. Drink, party and rock ‘n’ roll
6. Form a support group
7. Or, just follow these bits of advice

Top tips for making friends | Childline (children and young people up to their 19th birthday)

• Find things to share
• Use your body language
• Get out there
• Starting conversations
• Give a compliment

Meeting apps/ platforms

There are a ton of apps and platforms encouraging us to meet people. The reason why we have highlighted Meetup and Eventbrite is that their focus is on meeting people in real life in the real world rather than perpetuating relationships and friendships online. Also, they both have LGBT sections. Our list is short so clearly not exhaustive, but let us know if there are any we should add.

Value most, like least

There are a ton of lists on the Internet about what friends should and shouldn’t be, so we’re not certain what we can offer. However, some MEN R US spunky monkeys got together over several bottles to decide what they value most and like least about friends.

It turned to be a very long night when some of the guys started going through their Facebook friends with a meat cleaver. Tears were shed, texts were sent… but contrite and bleary-eyed, the next morning gave everyone the perfect excuse for an alcohol-free brunch and time to write this up:

 What we value most

• A friend who loves and supports us unconditionally
• A friend who can ‘just be there’ and is around when we’re down
• A friend who can be our life coach, mentor, and all round oracle
• A friend who will help us grow personally, and share in life’s lessons
• A friend who is honest but who can be brutally honest
• A friend who challenges us and keeps us grounded (eg: when we’re being a knob)
• A friend who has fresh perspectives, judgement and integrity
• A friend who is loyal, and who can keep a secret

What we like least

• A friend who nit-picks and finds fault or whose bottle is always half empty
• A friend who is boringly competitive
• A friend who has to be centre of attention
• A friend who is self-absorbed and/ or self-centred
• A friend who cancels plans or breaks promises
• A friend who is manipulative and/ or controlling
• A friend who is not self-aware and/ or cannot share
• A friend who morphs into his friends rather than be his own man
• A friend who stabs you in the back or chooses personal gain over friendship

Very poorly structured friends test

Only you can decide how close you are to your friends, and how close they are to you, but here are a few pointers:

• After spending time with them, do you feel better?
• Are you yourself when you are with them?
• Do you feel like you have to watch what you say and do?
• Can you have friends over without cleaning the flat from top to bottom?
• Would your friends drop everything if you had an emergency (including leaving work/ hook-up)?
• Do you have friends who know they can just drop by?
• Do you feel the need to put your wallet away or hide valuables?
• Do friends offer to help you move before you ask?
• Would your friends watch out for you when you are wasted?
• Do you put a friend up for the night without a moment’s hesitation?

Friends behaving badly

When friends behave badly [insert here] they may just be going through a rough patch and don’t, in fact, mean to act this way.

• He drinks to the point of collapse
• He cannot manage his drugs and expects his friends to clean up after him
• He always ‘takes’ and never ‘gives’
• He puts you down in front of others
• He never chips in
• He ‘steals’ your boyfriend
• He steals

Of course there are often two sides to a story: people who drink or take drugs to excess (hurting themselves and those around them) may be trying to block stuff out or be happy when in fact they are in a pit of despair. Some people just don’t have any money to spare and feel very embarrassed about it; it’s not as though we have a solvency check when someone joins a group of friends. And the friend who puts you down may be jealous, or unhappy with his lot and envious of yours. For many, stealing from friend is a deal breaker, but have you ever asked why?

Sometimes you’re prepared to put up with it until eventually – thankfully – he works through his shit. However, if you are trying to be a friend and getting hurt in the process, it may be time to boundary your friendship in terms of when and how you see him, including who else you’re with when you do.

If this doesn’t work you may need to decide whether to give it one last try by talking with him and/ or ending the friendship. This can be both difficult and stressful, particularly if you consider him a close personal friend.

It’s tough stuff but be firm, consistent, and fair and don’t expect the talk to be one-sided. If there’s a way forward it will take both of you to make it happen. If this doesn’t work and he keeps contacting you then say you’re busy and can’t meet up; hopefully they should get the message and leave you alone. If you think this can work then you are mistaken! Bottom line: be diplomatic but honest.

Alternatively, you can ‘disappear for a few weeks’ avoiding him completely, including breaking all social media ties. This may sound a bit harsh, but life is too short to spend time with those who harm or hurt you, or make you feel bad about yourself, and/ or take you down the rabbit hole… again and again.

Whatever the reason, sometimes it’s just too tough to end a friendship. If this happens, just be aware that there may likely come a time when he drags you into shit at a whole new level, and you will eventually crash and burn together. (And maybe this is what you wanted all along).

Types

Some gay men use types to describe, identify and communicate themselves. Who hasn’t heard someone say “he’s my type” or been asked if a guy is yours? There is always some disagreement around the terms we use and whether we should use them at all.

Therefore, you should be sensitive if applying a type to someone, bearing in mind some gay men reject them altogether as narrow, superficial, and demeaning. Equally, some use types affectionately and as a convenient shorthand.

It’s a bit of a bear pit (no pun intended), but here’s our take on types, though you are perfectly entitled to throw them out and be your own gay, your own homo, queer, etc.

Physical types and personal characteristics

Some guys are primarily attracted to physical types of gay men (eg: bears, twinks, and muscle guys) while some find characteristics in men most attractive (eg: warmth, intelligence, and humour). Others mix and match and understanding these distinctions is important.

For example, the type(s) of men we find attractive sexually may not necessarily be the qualities we are looking for to sustain a relationship. Trouble is, we can get so caught up in a type we can lose sight that not far beneath the surface we are all simply men wanting to be loved, respected and held. The solution involves open-mindedness, flexibility, and/ or compromise.

So, what pushes your buttons:

• A guy’s age, or the way he fits a T-shirt?
• A pencil thin physique, or the way he smiles?
• The hair on his chest, or his positive attitude to life?
• It could also be the size of his dick (though this is a whole new conversation).

Bottom line: types, preferences, and the laws of attraction are as varied as they can be fickle, complex and seemingly contradictory.

Gay app and website categories

Types of gay men saturate the gay media and magazines, and if the name of a club night doesn’t tell you what to expect, the promo pics will. Types of men are also pressed home by the boxes we are expected to tick on apps. Here are the categories from 4 of them:

• Bears, bikers, builders, chubbies, clubbers, farmers, firemen, footballers, geeks, labourers, leather men, married men, medical, military, muscle men, older guys, policemen, fireman, preppies, punks, rugby players, short guys, skins, tall guys, transvestite, and transsexual. (And hot garbage men, says Luke)
• Bear, clean cut, daddy, discreet, geek, jock, leather, otter, poz, rugged, trans, and twink
• Daddy, bear, leather, geek, discreet, military, muscle, jock, bear chaser, daddy chaser, poz, college, transgender, and twink
• Slim, athletic, average, muscular, a little extra, and big guy
• Grunge… but we’re uncertain if it’s still a thing? Let us know!

Granted there’s space to write about who you are (which some of us read BTW) but who hasn’t checked out a guy’s photo, sexual position, or likes to make a snap decision as to his ‘suitability.’ Even so, it can be hard to be you when you are reduced to a string of boxes.

Popular types

There’s been some hellish squabbling at MEN R US as we’ve pulled together a list of ‘popular’ types. However, our collective tongues are in our collective cheeks and we’re definitely open to additions and amendments. Some of venues listed here have closed, since we first wrote this content, but we’d like to think our collective memory remembers them fondly:

• Bears: 30+, broad/ heavier build (drinks beer), usually hairy, often with facial hair. Likely habitats: RVT
• Cubs: Late 20s-30s, younger bears, usually hairy, often with facial hair. Likely habitats: RVT, Brüt, Eagle
• Chubs: Heavier to overweight, often less hairy or none, or a hairless bear
• Drag queens: Big buxom or svelte, smooth as a babies, very possibly waxed, facial hair no longer a barrier: Likely habitats: Halfway to Heaven, Molly Moggs, Two Brewers, and on stages everywhere
• Circuit gays (aka Gym bunnies): Late 20s-30s, athletic to muscular build, less likely to be hairy, possibly waxed. Likely habitats: Fire, RVT, Ministry of Sound
• Queer: Any shape or build. Likely habitats: Likely
• Jocks: Late 20s-30s, muscular build and gym obsessed, less likely to be hairy, possibly waxed. Likely habitats: Fire, RVT, Ministry of Sound
• Muscle bears: 30+, broad/ heavier build (drinks protein shakes), usually hairy, may be trimmed or sculpted to reflect their body shape, often with facial hair. Likely habitats: RVT, Brüt, Eagle
• Otters: Late 20s to 30s, leaner, usually hairy, often with facial hair. Skinny bears. Likely habitats: RVT, Duke of Wellington
• Pups: Late 20s-30s, lean to muscular, can be hairy, puppy genre on the fetish scene becoming increasingly popular. Likely habitats: RVT, Brüt, Eagle
• Spunk monkey: Late 30s. Laid back but easily excited around men. Into long bouts of energetic, bouncy ‘Tiggerish’ sex. Likely habitats: Camberwell
• Twinks: Late teens-early 20s, boyish features, thinner to slim build, usually smooth, may have highlights. Likely habitats: GAY, QBar. Heaven
• Twunks: Older twinks, not quite jocks, easily confused. Late teens-early 20s, boyish features, thinner to slim build, usually smooth, may have highlights. Likely habitats: GAY, Heaven
• Twas: Former twinks and Twunks 
• Boy (Boi): Huge in the 1990s, a young gay man with bleach blond hair often wearing a boy T-shirt and cap. As sexy-tragic then as it is now, there are rumblings the word is being reclaimed and re-imagined by today’s queer community.
• Wolves: Late 30s to 40s, lean to semi-muscular, usually hairy, often with facial hair. Likely habitats: RVT, Brüt
• Everyone else: And everyone else

Those we have not included from the list of app categories you can probably work out for yourself and there is a lot of overlap. For example, ‘preppies’ tend to be ‘clean cut’, ‘bears’ and ‘muscle guys’ are also ‘bikers’, and ‘daddies’ are a not so much a type rather a state of mind and an attitude.

So, when a guy shows you no interest it maybe because:

• He’s attracted to guys without hair (and you have a full head of hair)
• He’s attracted to slim, toned guys (while you are broad shouldered and muscular)
• He’s attracted to shorter guys (and you’re taller than him)
• He’s attracted to a particular skin colour or ethnicity

Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t see you smile or you slept with his ex. Where does it end?!!

Build it and they will come

Not even a life time ago, when the gay scene was smaller, having visible and shared identities was a way of finding each other (literally, in some cases) and bringing us together. And we should rightly be proud of this. The leather, clone and denim scenes dominated the 80s, the muscle scene has been pumping iron since the 90s, and the bear scene has been on the rise since the 00s; each with their interpretation of masculinity and what it is to be gay. London’s bear scene, for example, started because they had no place to go and (some say) a reluctance by other parts of the scene to share and play nice. The bears have built their own scene and the otters, wolves and cubs have come! Unfortunately some of these scenes have come self absorbed and ‘exclusive’ morphing back into the very thing they sought to over come.

The Queer Collective video inspired by Charli XCX’s Boys music video (2017)

The Queer Collective put a call out for anyone who identifies with the word ‘boy’ to make a video inspired by Charli XCX’s Boys music video because they wanted to showcase the diversity of the word ‘boy.’ And while GMHC loves our American cousins it’s great to have a video like this made in the UK.

The future of queer: a manifesto

In the spring of 2017, for the first time since publishing a memoir set at the height of San Francisco’s AIDS epidemic, I summoned the nerve to teach a course on memoir—which is to say, at least as I taught it, a course on the necessity of personal witness, a course against forgetting. Mostly I avoided the subject of AIDS, not wanting to be the grizzled old veteran croaking war stories to a classroom of undergraduates. But since AIDS memoirs are among the best examples of the genre, I decided I had to foray into the minefields of those memories. I surprised myself by choosing not one of several poignant memoirs but the edgy anger of Close to the Knives, by the artist David Wojnarowicz, with its hustler sex and pickup sex and anonymous sex on the decaying piers of Chelsea and amid the bleak emptiness of the Arizona desert, one eye cocked at the rearview mirror to watch for the cop who might appear and haul your naked ass to the county jail, sixty miles of rock and creosote bushes distant.1 Wojnarowicz was thirty-seven years old when he died of AIDS in 1992.

Click here for full article.

Who sounds gay?

A short documentary explores the reasons that some men sound stereotypically gay, whether they are or not.

“For the last few years, I’ve wondered why some men “sound gay.” I began asking people for their thoughts on the subject, and received a surprising range of answers. Some people said the gay voice was a put-on, like a man in a conspicuously sparkly dress. Others thought gay men sounded gay just to let other gay men know they were. Some thought that every man who sounds gay is gay, even if he claims otherwise. A lot of people said, “Wow, I don’t know.”

I decided to make a film about the stereotype of the “gay voice” and my own anxieties around “sounding gay” (I am gay, and sometimes worry that my voice gives me away before I’m ready to come out). I interviewed strangers on the street for the film because, as I discovered, the origin of men’s gay-sounding voices intrigues people of all backgrounds, regardless of their sexual orientation. (I subsequently became intrigued by the intrigue.) Nobody knows for sure why some people sound stereotypically gay and others don’t. This Op-Doc video explores one of the prominent theories.

As you watch, consider something that a linguist kept reminding me: There’s no such thing as a fundamentally gay voice. Plenty of men may sound gay, but their voices aren’t evidence that they are gay. What we call the “gay voice” belongs to us all.” David Thorpe.

Who sounds gay? | David Thorpe | New York Times | 23 Jun 2015 | 6m 10s

Bearspace: geographies of the double stigma of sexuality/fatness in a gay/bisexual men’s subculture | Research: June 2018 – June 2019

This research attends to an unexplored intersection of geographies of sexualities, and fatness/obesity. In a nation grappling with an ‘obesity epidemic’, fat people in the UK are highly stigmatised as unhealthy and sexually repulsive, with resultant serious mental/physical health impacts. Fat stigma is intensified in gay/bisexual men’s spaces, yet the impacts of fat stigma on men’s health or sexuality have received little attention.

The project aims to uncover the role of geography in the marginalisation and/or empowerment of fat gay/bisexual men in the UK. It engages with space, fatness and sexuality through work in the ‘Bear’ community – a large global subculture of large-bodied gay/bisexual men.

The double stigma of fatness/sexuality has significant impacts on Bears’ mental and physical health, and Bear bars, clubs, and events are consequently experienced as ‘safe spaces’ for those excluded from both mainstream (due to sexuality) and gay/bisexual men’s spaces (due to fatness). The project will develop six case studies of UK Bear spaces, each comprising an on-site focus group, individual interviews, and the researcher’s own autoethnographic account as a self-identified Bear.

Random Acts

Random Acts is Channel 4’s short film strand dedicated to the arts, founded in 2011 to escape the conventions of arts broadcasting and to create and showcase the world’s boldest and most innovative creative short form work. Featured below, artist David Hoyle on his first time attending a gay club, Kareem Reid on navigating the world as a queer black body, Ian McKellen on growing up gay and coming out, and two young men try and hide a secret from their community.

Camp

The history of camp is as fascinating as it is complicated as it is controversial. Quoting from a piece in The Conversation:

“Early in the first episode of the BBC reality dating show, I Kissed A Boy, glamorous pop star Danni Minogue descends a staircase to greet the all-male line-up of contestants. “Probably not the right heels for this,” she admits. “Don’t worry, I’ve got another pair if they’re no good,” quips one of the men, Ollie, who sports an impressive moustache and a deep voice. Although the men have never met before, they quickly bond, finding common ground in this kind of camp humour, which has been the defining feature of gay or queer male friendships for centuries. Camp is notoriously difficult to define, as Paul Barker explains in his book “Camp! The Story of the Attitude That Conquered The World”. It can be an attitude, a style or a behaviour, and it consists of several components – exaggeration, artificiality or theatricality, breaking social norms and silliness, which results in humour. If the effect is not intended to be funny, it is camp. If the effect is intentionally funny, then it is campy – a term more commonly used in the US than the UK.”
 A brief history of camp: from minority sensibility to political protest | The Conversation | 14 Jun 2023

Polari

More

Racism and gay men

Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic members of staff from Stonewall wrote this about racism and the LGBTQ community for Black History Month. Sometimes, you don ‘t re-invent the wheel:

“Racism of all kinds is always despicable but experiencing it from within the LGBTQ community can have a particularly negative impact on QTIPOC. In a world still often not accepting of LGBTQ people, QTIPOC also have to deal with discrimination in the community that should be there to support them. This can lead to isolation, loneliness, and poor mental health, on top of the direct impact of the racism, discrimination and violence they may experience. This is why it’s so key that white people are more vocal about challenging racist behaviour within the LGBTQ community, even when QTIPOC aren’t around and when they do not feel able or safe to challenge it themselves.”

Tackling common myths and misconceptions, and clarifying questions asked of QTIPOC (queer, trans and/or intersex people of colour) | Stonewall

Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic LGBT+ Organisations
Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic LGBT+ Organisations | MEN R US

Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter | MEN R US

BAME Voices from Stonewall

Accessing health services

In March 2015, Guy’s and St Thomas’ published a report dealing with the sexual health, mental health, access to services and social issues of Black, Latino and other minority groups. The report found:

• Racism on the gay scene
• Black gay men found racism on the gay scene to outweigh homophobia within Black communities
• Black men often feel they are sexualised and objectified and used as ‘accessories’ for white men
• They are presumed to have large cocks and to be sexually aggressive
• They feel like they are not recognised as a whole person, and once the sex is over they are discarded
• In contrast Latino gay men found stereotypes, such as being ‘hot lovers’ to be a positive thing
• Both groups expressed the view that the gay scene is segmented and elitist and this can have an impact on their self-esteem

More stories on film

What does it mean to be Black and gay in the UK? Back in 2010, GMFA explored the life experiences of a group of men who all too often have been rendered invisible in history and stigmatised by their own communities because of their sexuality and race.
Beyond abels: what does it mean to be Black and gay in the UK? | LGBT HERO | 7 Aug 2018 | 57m 48s

Wolves in the City
Wolves in the City is a podcast for black men who are exploring their sexuality in the city. Hosted by Youtube Presenter Lee Gray, Grime Artist Karnage Kills and DJ Jay Jay Revlon. This podcast is not suitable for the workplace. You have been warned.
Wolves in the City | Podcast | Lee Gray, Karnage Kills and Jay Jay Revlon

Related internal links

Articles and features

Hugs and cuddles

Yes, hugs and cuddles… but bear with us…

Often underrated and misunderstood, hugs (especially big hugs) and cuddles are two of the most natural ways to express our friendship, and show closeness and affection. Cuddling, particularly, can also lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce fear and anxiety, and reduce stress. What’s not to like?!

Whether between mates or partners, it’s often best enjoyed and appreciated as a stand-alone activity without ulterior motives or hidden agendas.

Be mindful that cuddling can be interpreted as an exploratory step between ‘friends’, or a prelude to sex (though cuddling can be a big turn off if sex is always the end game). We can also get carried away, particularly if we misread signals.

There is more about Hugs and cuddles under our sex section.

Sometimes we just like to be held by another guy, or to hold a guy. It’s an instant mood boost, can dispense with words, and help us feel better about each other and ourselves.

So, make your intentions clear such as a touch on the arm rather than a hand on his crotch, or a gentle rub on his shoulder rather than finger tips snaking down to his arse crack. If you’re all loved up with a new guy in your life, lots of cuddles add an important dimension to your relationship, helping develop feelings of intimacy, confidence and trust.

Polari

Seemingly wedded to our apps today it’s easy to forget that only a few decades ago Polari was used widely as a safe means of communication for the gay community.

Polari is an eclectic mix of slang, dialects and foreign words, and original words and phrases, woven into English language grammar and syntax. Even today, you have used Polari if you’ve ever had a few bevvies at the pub, zhooshed up your bijou flat, or said something is a bit naff.

Before homosexuality was decriminalised, Polari allowed gay people to speak openly and identify themselves as gay without attracting unwanted interest or the attention of undercover charpering omis (policemen). Unless you were in the know, you would only partially understand what was being said and hear nothing incriminating.

More

Vocabulary and phrases

Vocabulary

Bona: Good
Cod: awful/ dreadful
Dish: arse/ bum
Dolly: Nice/ pleasant/ pretty
Drag: Clothing
Eek: Face
Eine: London
Fantabulosa: Excellent
Feely: Young
Lally lallies: Legs
Lattie: House
Lily: Police
Lucoddy: Body
Nante: None/ nothing/ nothing/ warning
Naff: Awful/ tasteless
Omi: Man
Omi palone: Homosexual/ gay man
Palare: Talk
Palone: Woman
Riah: Hair
Trade: A sex partner
Troll: Walk
Vada: To look/ look

Numbers

One: Una/ oney
Two: Dooey
Three: Tray
Four: Quarter
Five: Chinker
Six: Say
Seven: Say oney
Eight: Say dooey
Nine: Say tray
Ten: Daiture

Phrases

Here are some examples of Polari phrases:

• How bona to varda your dolly old eek!
  How good to see your dear old face!
• Vada the dolly dish, shame about his bijou lallies
  Look at the attractive man, shame about his short legs
• Can I troll round your lally?
  Can I have a look around your house?

Writer/ editor Daniel Villarreal penned some shady Polari phrases during the COVID-19 lockdown. Enjoy!*

• I’m not into palone-omees because I’m not bibi, but anyone with ogles can varda that she’s got a bona bod.
  I’m not into lesbians because I’m not bisexual, but anyone with eyes can see that she’s got a nice body.
• I’ve nanti dinarly; park me some handbag for another buvare.
  I’ve got no money. Give me some money for another drink.
• Mais oui ducky! Let’s nish the chat and go troll for rough trade … just gardy loo for chickens and don’t blag an orderly daughter!
  Oh yes! Let’s stop talking and go walking for a working-class sex partner … just watch out for underage men and don’t pick up a cop!
• Everyone thinks that auntie is a total fruit, but her gildy clobber makes me think she’s a duchess.
  Everyone thinks that older gay man is a total old queen, but his nice clothes make me think he’s a rich gay man.
• I don’t mean to cackle, but he’s not manly Alice. When I first varda-ed at her mince at the sweat chovey, I thought, “She’s mauve.”
  I don’t mean to gossip, but he’s not a masculine gay man. When I first looked at his effeminate walk at the gym, I thought, “He’s someone who appears to be gay.”
• As an omi, he’s naff. But in drag, she’s fantabulosa! She titivates with fortuni slap, zhooshes up a switch and is one hell of a hoofer.
  As a man, he’s dull. But in women’s clothes, he’s fabulous! She makes herself look great with gorgeous makeup, styles up a wig and is one hell of a dancer.
• And no flies! It’s so bona to vada you! Your lovely eek and your riah! Sharda that we don’t palare more often!
  Honestly! It’s so good to see you. Your lovely face and hair! What a shame that we don’t talk more often!
• I’ve nanti jarry, nante latty and what’s worse, nante doss. I’m basically living off the national handbag — I might as well become a Dilly boy.
  I’ve no food, no place to live and what’s worse, no bed. I’m basically living on welfare — I might as well become a male sex worker.

Julian and Sandy

Polari was popularised by Kenneth Williams (Sandy) and Hugh Paddick (Julian) who played Julian and Sandy, two camp out-of-work actors in Round the Horne the 1960s BBC radio comedy show.

Polari started declining after the 1967 Sexual Offences Act made homosexuality legal. Nevertheless, it is a proud part of our LGBT history.

London

Thousands of LGBTQ+ people move to London every year to build a life, to be better connected with who they are, feel a sense a belonging, and maybe to find a man (or several).

LGBTQ+ people also move to London to escape intolerance, homophobia, and violence. Most of us have heard at least one heart-breaking coming out story, and who hasn’t been asked “Have you come out… what was it like… does your family know?”

What new arrivals often don’t realise is that London is one of the high maintenance capitals of the world. Living there is tough, and being happy tougher still. It can be very lonely, and even lonelier than the past you came from. Many of us are happy in London, some of us do OK, but some of us struggle.

So, whether you’ve travelled from a field in Norfolk, a village halfway around the world, or from a family who do not accept you for who you are, the quality of the friendships you make will be a key to your happiness and well-being. And that’s a promise.

Films

Queer Tours of London

Queers Tours of London shines a light on London’s rich LGBTQI history through creative and life-affirming interactive tours. The tours tell the stories of London’s queer history, shedding light on the lives, spaces, identities, repression and resistance that form the backdrop of LGBTQI lives today.

Queers Tours of London do this through educational, accessible and interactive walking tours, cabarets, street-art and events that bring life to the complexities and lived experiences of our history, present and vision for the future – watch this space for the calendar of events.

LGBT+ London or should it be LGBTQIAABAACG

Greater London is 1,572 square kilometres (607sq miles) and you will live in one of 33 boroughs that make up the Capital, packed with 8½ million people from all backgrounds, cultures, creeds and colours. Running beneath your feet are 402 kilometres (249 miles) of Underground carrying 1.265 billion passengers a year. It’s expensive, noisy, and it will take you an hour plus to cross the City, north to south, east to west.

The debate as to whether a single gay community exists is an old one, and London is no different. One is more inclined to say it is a diverse range of smaller communities with local geographies within the Capital. In the past, London’s wider LGBT community has come together in times of need: gay liberation in the 60s/ 70s, march against Clause 28, and created from scratch a network of life-giving community AIDS/HIV services in the 80s and 90s. Annual Pride marches in London stretch back to 1972, and while Soho has the largest concentration of gay venues in London there are many smaller scenes and communities threaded across the City.

A brief history of the gay scene

Barely 60 years ago one of the few places you could meet other gay men was in a public toilet. Not only was it frightening and dangerous, but police arrest and the subsequent court appearance would almost certainly cost you your job, family and home. Any friends you had would vanish, if only to protect themselves. Coming out to your family was unheard of, health advice and support for gay men were virtually non-existent and access to the small homosexual scene was only for those in the know.

If you’re in your 80s you’ll remember this all too well. If you’re in your 70s you’ll have witnessed the fight for recognition and the law that legalised sex between men. If you’re in your 60s you’ll have visited the new pubs and clubs. If you’re in your 40-50s you’ll have experienced first-hand the AIDS epidemic. And, if you’re in your 20s or 30s under the illusion that you invented gay life: please think again.

Beginnings

In the 60s, when the SK (Gay Social) Group was formed, gay men and women looking for a little bit more than a backstreet bar or cottage, have set to and baked, knitted and organised their own communities, and today we enjoy their legacy. If you were around in the early 70s, you had little option but to make your own ‘amusement’, hence the existence of the Gay Liberation Front, the Campaign for Homosexual Equality or a local befriending group. Thirty years ago they were playgrounds in the same way that Mardi Gras is today.

The pioneers

We would do well to spare a thought for the small group of flamboyant people prepared to give us all a bad name by taking to the streets and laying the foundations of the major festivals and events which exist today. Gay men and lesbians also laid the foundations for the effective responses that our community had in spreading the message about AIDS when it came along. Gay men became – and often still are – the backbone of many AIDS organisations and self-help groups who took that ethos of self-help and went on to apply it to all people with HIV.

Volunteering

Some volunteer or give money, or provide other support, to our communities and groups. Volunteers get involved for as many reasons as there are people, giving a few hours a week to a lifetime of commitment. And forget the woolly socks goody-two-shoes image, along the way we find lovers, get skills we never dreamed of and meet people we would never normally talk to in a million years. It’s a great way to find out more about yourself and what you can do.

One thing that’s true is that not only do you get back what you put in, but you can end up with a whole lot more beside – community, friends, respect and a more rounded understanding of who we are, pride in the fact that you didn’t wait for the plague wagon to carry your friends off, pride that you got accepted because of who you are not in spite of it, pride in the fact that when someone is in the same difficult spot as you once were, you can be there for them.

The rise of the scene…

While the gay scene grew steadily from the early 70s, in the last decade it has changed dramatically. The boarded-up windows and alleyway entrances of the ‘twilight world of the homosexual’ have evolved into a thriving industry of trendy bars, restaurants, cafés and shops filled with the latest fashion, lifestyle accessories and sexual accoutrements. A new generation of gyms and saunas have exploded on to the scene while myriad pubs and clubs continue to serve up a wide range of music, theme nights and sex venues. Pride, Mardi Gras, and other festivals and exhibitions have helped to revolutionise our image.

Even the smallest town can usually boast a gay pub, and new venues spring up every year. Nevertheless, access to the ‘playground’ is often dependent on living near a town or city with a scene of some kind, and having sufficient cash and the confidence to go out and play. Many gay men still live in desperate isolation, survive on nominal wages and have yet to find the confidence and opportunity to travel the yellow brick road.

Going to the gay bar | BBC Radio 4 | 14 Sep 2019 | 57m
Performance artist and writer Travis Alabanza asks if the venues have served the purpose they were originally built for or if now, more than ever, LGBTQ+ people need these spaces. Speaking to Professor Ben Campkin from UCL, Travis finds out why individual venues are closing and the impact of their loss.

The fall of the scene

While successive generations have reinvented the gay scene, there’s no denying the 70s, 80s and 90s were awesome adventures while also devastating for many. As today’s generation disappears into cyberspace … it may want to take a peek at what we once built and what … some argue … we are letting slip away.

Rent hikes and gentrification also have their part to play but since the recession in 2008, LGBT venues have been shutting at a faster rate than ever before.

While some say we don’t need a scene anymore there are buds of a new more inclusive scene and maybe it will be this generation that reimagines the scene(s) our LGBT+ communities need tomorrow today.

There will also an appraisal as to how the COVD-19 pandemic has decimated the scene further or if it will survive!

News and articles

Bar and club archive

LGBTQI nightlife spaces in London

This fascinating and inciteful research project focuses on nightlife spaces important to London’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Intersex (LGBTQI) communities since 1986.

The project uses surveys and archival study to map the breadth and diversity of the LGBTQI scene, gathering additional data from community members, venue managers, event promoters and performers through surveys, workshops and interviews.

The research highlights the diversity of the capital’s LGBTQI nightlife, as an important contributor to neighborhoods and the wider night-time and cultural economy. Through survey and interview data it also shows the importance of these spaces to community life, welfare and wellbeing.

“In July 2017, we released our full report from the project, which showed that the number of LGBTQI venues in London has fallen by 58% from 125 to 53 since 2006. Reasons given for this fall include the negative impacts of large-scale developments on venue clusters, a lack of implementation of safeguarding measures in the existing planning system and the sale and change of use of property by landlords whereby venue owners, operators and clients have severely limited negotiating power compared with large organisations.

The Mayor of London has supported this work as part of the development of a Cultural Infrastructure Plan. This is a manifesto commitment by the Mayor and will be published in 2018. The Plan will identify what London needs to sustain and develop culture up to 2030. The collection of quantitative data on venues openings and closures will be reflected within this as part of the capital’s cultural infrastructure. In making this commission, the Greater London Authority (GLA) note the ‘significant work’ published in our interim report.”

London scene listings

QX Gay London 
Time Out London LGBT | Time Out
OutSavvy 
LGBTQ Meetups in London | Meetup
Gay Travel Guide Europe | Patroc
 Gay London life 
TheGayUK 
Polari Magazine

Lost Gay London

Lost Gay London on Facebook is awesome … keeping the memories of London’s past gay scene alive … pulling together some amazing memories, film clips, photos, and newspaper articles…. and remembering what we have loved and lost.

While successive generations have reinvented the gay scene, there’s no denying the 70s, 80s and 90s were awesome adventures while also devastating for many. As today’s generation seems to move inexorably toward cyberspace … it may want to take a look at what was once built and what … some argue … we are letting slip away. Or maybe we don’t need a scene? Or maybe it will be this generation that reimagines the scene(s) our LGBT+ communities need tomorrow, today.

Pubs clubs and bars

Pubs, clubs and bars are an obvious place to meet friends and are still among the easiest places to find other gay men, though the massive increase in the use of apps has hammered the traditional gay scene hard. We will eventually realise what we’ve done and may well bitterly regret the time we turned our backs on our scene.

The skills we use for cruising, meeting and chatting-up are pretty universal and can be adapted for use just about anywhere. Above all, if you go out thinking you’re going to find ‘him’ you are likely to be disappointed. The air of desperation is easily recognised and drives many men away.

Go with the flow, relax and enjoy yourself. You’ll be a much better mood, you’ll communicate better and if you don’t pick up it’ll be a case of “so what… there’s always tomorrow” rather than beating yourself up over failure.

• Say hello to security on the door as you walk in – you never know when you might need them.
• A lot of bar etiquette is macho stuff inherited from traditional pub culture where you can only ‘be a man’ if you look tough and drink a man’s drink; it’s against this we can be measured. You should drink exactly what you want, although bear in mind that certain combinations may make you less-looked-for cruising material. When was the last time you saw a skinhead with a piña colada, or a drag queen holding a pint of Guinness. In fact, we’ve seen both and they were tremendous!
• If you smoke, make sure your pack is to hand and you’re not wrestling with a drink and lighter (through some guys are very skilled). Seems an age ago, but as a consequence of the Health Act 2006 smoking in enclosed spaces was banned on 1 July 2007 and venues were quick to establish smoking zones outside. Better still, why not give up? You’ll have better health and only your drink to worry about.
• Find a place that gives you a decent view of what’s going on, but, if it’s busy, avoid the main thoroughfares to and from the bar, coat-check, toilets, dance floor and loudspeakers.
• A busy venue is not necessarily a great place to cruise. If the venue’s packed with punters moving around like herds of cattle it can be difficult to both see and be seen.
• Guys are likely to look at you so, even if you’re shy, try to acknowledge them with a friendly look or smile rather than looking as if you’ve lost a contact lens at the bottom of your glass.
• By all means move around, but not so much as to appear desperate or nervous. Someone could be looking for you, and staying in a couple of regular spots improves his chances of finding you.
• Difficult though this might be to believe, you can’t cruise everyone! So identify a few guys and concentrate on them.

Chatting up

The key to chatting up a guy is patience but, since we’re usually thinking with our dicks and driven by an uncontrollable urge to shift our load by morning, we can move very fast.

Unfortunately, this can be at the expense of some common sense stuff that can help a first meeting get off to a flying start. On some of the larger scenes we can also compromise our chances: if one guy doesn’t fit the bill within a nanosecond, we move on to the next. This sort of behaviour can become habitual and you’ll miss out on some great men.

Unless you’re carving notches on the bed post, it’s the quality not the quantity that counts. How we connect with other men varies enormously but if you like someone let him know. If you don’t he’ll never know what he’s missing. The looks… the glances… the ‘ballet’ around the venue to find better vantage points (from which to see or be seen) or to engineer a close encounter… are all part of the ritual to reduce the possibility of rejection. (Of course, if we could handle the rejection better, more of us would go straight up to a guy, say hello, and take it from there).

We often aim to find a balance between showing interest, casually ignoring him, and making our intentions clear. Eventually though you should do something about it, if only to spare yourself the nagging doubt as you go home alone.

Many of us have developed our own individual styles of chatting to and picking up men and so the following suggestions may seem contrived. But, if you go through the following points, you’ll probably pick at least one thing you could do better (apart from him).

Everyone has an opening line and it’s not as if we haven’t heard them all before – particularly the crap ones. Even if it’s terrible, you’ve plucked up the courage to say “Hi!” and that’s more than he’s done if he’s just standing there waiting for you to make the first move. However, just for the record, here are a few chat-up lines that didn’t quite work out as intended:

• “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?” “It’s a gun.”
• “What would it take to get a kiss from you?” “Chloroform.”
• “My friends have told me about you…” “What friends?”
• “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” “The one I was having before you came over.”
• “Got a light?” “Yes.”

In the first instance, conversation should be easy-going and relaxed and any questions should be straightforward. If you start with something clever or devastatingly witty you may catch him off-guard or put him on the spot. He may then feel he needs to match you and if he’s shy or out of practice then you’ve immediately put him at a disadvantage. On the other hand, some guys do it to sort out the men from the boys, so if it works for you do it – but you know the risks. Here are our chatting up tips:

• Your voice should be friendly, confident and relaxed – not pushy, smarmy or over-eager
• Find out his name, remember it, use it every now then and don’t forget it
• Keep the eye contact going
• Get him to talk about himself but don’t turn it into an interrogation or forget that you’re part of this too
• If you don’t want to talk to him be polite, firm and honest
• Consider your body language and observe his. Unless he’s been explicit about what he wants, don’t get too close in the first instance. Believe it or not we all need some time to get accustomed to being in each other’s space. Instinct and practice will let you know when it’s time to get closer, particularly if his hand wanders on to your arse or crotch.
• Mirroring each other’s body language can also help relax you both. For example, taking a drink when he drinks and re-positioning yourself when he does generates a comfortable rhythm between you. Mind you, it needs to be casual – not a comedy routine.

Rejection

Indications that you’re not onto a winner usually include minimal eye contact and/ or his eyes scanning men other than you, one-word replies, the tone of his voice, or an unwillingness to initiate or respond to conversation. If he turns you down, don’t necessarily think that it’s you; it could be for a number of reasons:

• He’s already got plans
• He’s drunk
• He’s got a boyfriend
• He says he’s in an open relationship, but not really
• He’s just broken up
• He’s just had sex
• He’s nervous or shy
• He’s not in the mood
• He’s on drugs
• He’s not good enough for you
• He’s got a STI
• You just don’t turn him on

Turning a guy down

If you’re not interested in a guy who’s obviously got you in his sights, it goes a long way to be polite when saying ‘No’.

OK, you may want tell the guy to stop bothering you, but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: how would you feel? You should always aim to make a polite getaway. Speak firmly to make it clear that the conversation is over but – if you can – smile genuinely. This way no one is made to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. We’ve all been there so don’t do it to others.

If he won’t go away and you’ve shown him every reasonable courtesy, then tell him to… [in your own words].

Street safety

When you are out and about, it’s easy to forget personal safety and that assaults on gay men still happen. If you’re on the street or on your local cruising ground, remember:

• Keep your wits about you
• Don’t over engage with everyone you meet
• Try to avoid being on your own in an unfamiliar area, especially if you are drunk or have taken recreational drugs. Be vigilant when leaving gay venues
• Always walk with a purpose, head up, and as if you know where you’re going. Be alert. Know who or what is behind you at all times. If you think you’re being followed, cross the road to check. If possible keep to well lit and peopled streets
• If you feel threatened, try to attract attention or go into a shop, a pub, even knock on a door using the premise that you’re looking for someone who you thought lived at the address.
• If you think there is going to be trouble – get out. Think about how you might defend yourself if you had to – screaming, shouting, and/or running. (If available, self-defence courses are excellent for teaching you disabling tactics)
• If you can, carry a whistle or attack alarm and use it. Scream for help, bang on doors or flag down passing cars. But try not to look totally mad or they’re likely to ignore you
• If you see someone being attacked, try to help without putting yourself in danger. If you can’t help yourself – get help
• Always use a registered taxi firm that you can trust. Be wary of unregistered cabs and taxi touts. Agree the fare before you get in. Be cautious about travelling in a taxi alone. Consider sharing
• If you feel threatened on public transport, stand near the exit, change carriage or seek the company of others
• In an emergency always call 999

Meeting guys safety check

When meeting a guy for the first time:

• Tell a friend what you’re doing and where you’re going
• Arrange to meet in a public place
• Consider asking a friend to phone you on your mobile after 20 minutes (just in case you need to make an escape)
• If you have any serious doubts: make an excuse and leave
• Don’t give out your address until you’re sure you want to continue seeing him

Sex venues

Sex venues are clubs and club nights, pubs, and some gay saunas where sex is permitted on the premises. These may also be known as dark rooms and play areas.

• You may wish to check out the busier times (or not) depending what you’re after; eg: weekends and bank holidays can be uncomfortably packed
• Some venues have strict dress codes and will refuse entry. Depending on what you wear (and whether you’re travelling in public) consider taking your gear with you and changing at the venue, or wearing cover up; eg: trackie bottoms over chaps
• If you’ve not been there before, it’s well worth checking what’s what before you get down to business. Many venues have Facebook pages that are useful reads.
• If you’re going with a friend, agree a check-in time and place and stick to it
• If you’ve had some great sex, think about having a break
• While it is a sex venue, don’t be afraid to talk to a guy if you think that there may be something more going on
• Don’t forget to take condoms and lube, and chewing gum

Our experience says:

• Don’t let sex venues become habitual and your only way to meet other men
• Sexual frisson or energy is just that – then it’s gone – so don’t expect anything else from a guy
• Take care of your valuables

Personal ads

Times may have moved on but guys still use them.

Whether you’re looking for friendship, a relationship or sex, contact or personal advertisements can deliver just about anything that appears in print. You’ll find them in magazines and newspapers, and the gay press includes more explicit ads.

It can be an exciting way to meet men and, in some cases, dispenses with the niceties (or otherwise) of cruising. For some, it provides opportunities to meet men who prefer not to use the scene or who don’t have easy access to pubs and clubs. Answering ads is relatively simple and most papers and magazines operate a similar process:

• Find an ad you like and reply in writing. Advertisers often want a photograph and preferably not from a photo-booth at 9am on a Monday morning when you’re hungover
• Put the letter in an envelope with its box/reference number clearly marked on the outside
• Post it to the advertiser care of the publication including a first class stamp (for each reply).
• Wait and hope!

If you’re placing an ad check out the costs and the terms and conditions first. Advertisements are usually charged by the word which is why they’re short and why a dictionary of abbreviations has evolved; eg: corporal punishment – CP, sadomasochism – SM, or defined by hanky codes.

If a guy is explicit about what he’s looking for sexually then it’s reasonable to assume he’s being honest. Some ads are prone to gross exaggeration and dick size can often stray into fantasy world. By all means have the fantasy but you may be disappointed. When it comes to writing your own ad, phrases like ‘genuine’, ‘seeks similar’ and ‘for good times, maybe more’ are fine but just scan through the ads and they appear with unerring regularity.

While phrases like ‘would like to meet a guy who’s DNA hasn’t fallen off the back of a lorry’ and ‘you’ve tried the best… now I’m the rest’ may not be your cup of tea – your eye does at least stop on the page. Think about what you’re going to say and try to be original.

ALA – All letters answered
ALAWP – All letters answered with photo
BND – Boy next door
CS – Clean shaven
CT/A – Can travel/accommodate
GL – Good looking
GSOH – Good sense of humour
NSc – Non scene
NSm – Non smoker
NTW – No time wasters
SA – Straight acting
SL – Straight looking
VGL – Very good looking
VWE – Very well endowed
WLTM – Would like to meet

Casual sex

Not everyone feels the need for a relationship. There are times in our lives when we‘re ready to settle down, other times when we prefer to play the field or be alone. Gay men may not have invented the one-night stand, but we have certainly turned it into an art form and, for many of us, it’s how many friendships or relationships start. The unique sexual experience which comes with each new encounter also gives us an opportunity to develop our techniques and experiment with new practices.

Take your sex drive for a spin

Casual sex is not restricted to bedrooms or clubs. It can happen just about anywhere and sometimes when you’re not expecting it. It can also involve more than one person (hopefully). Casual sex should be about taking your sex drive out for a spin and having fun – without feeling guilty or feeling as if you’re settling for second best. It’s important to see casual sex for what it is. It should not be a substitute for that ever elusive relationship, although it’s understandable that finding a boyfriend can mean having sex with several – perhaps many – men along the way.

Peaks and troughs

While multiple partners can mean more experience, more confidence and more sexual satisfaction – it can also mean the reverse. Occasionally, a string of disappointing one-night stands can lead to a decrease in confidence and, over weeks or months, it can feel as if you’re never going to find anyone again. All of us experience this and it’s perfectly natural to have peaks and troughs. However, if you start to feel lonely or desperate or if you find yourself pining at two o’clock in the morning, its time to take a fresh look at your plan to get a man.

Fear of closeness

Casual sex over months or years may indicate a fear of closeness or loss, anxiety about rejection, or some other difficulty. It may help to talk about it with your friends or, if that’s not possible (or uncomfortable), to seek professional help.

Fuck buddies

Fuck buddies are guys with whom we have sex on a regular basis without the complexities of a relationship. You might have met through the scene, the internet or a personal ad, but the pleasure you get is a sexual quid pro quo and an explicit understanding that you can stop seeing each other without anyone getting hurt.

Fuck buddies only work if you are both clear and honest about this arrangement. You can phone each other up, meet when it’s convenient, but know intuitively that you are unlikely to become boyfriends.

You can experiment, swap roles, practice technique or just fuck each other’s brains out because you both just love it – not each other. If this presents a problem then it’s possible you’re actually looking for a boyfriend. Sometimes it happens, but if you develop feelings – let him know. He may not be interested, or he may be thinking the same, but the arrangement has changed and you owe it to each other to be honest.

Etiquette

Over the years, unspoken rules of etiquette have evolved to help make sure we get the best of the encounter – even if there’s no plan or arrangement to see each other again.

• Guys may have different interests to you, and if you’re into one thing sexually, make this clear beforehand. Deciding ahead of time what you are going to do sexually can seem tacky (or be a turn-off) but it’s nothing compared to the disappointment you may both feel when you discover you’re not sexually compatible.
• If you’re taking a guy back there’s usually an assumption on his part that it’s okay to stay the night. If he can’t stay the night – tell him in advance. If you’re going back but can’t stay, sort this out before you get into the taxi. Also, make sure that you can get home. Always have cab money, and refuse invitations to the middle of nowhere.
• If you later discover that you don’t click or the sex doesn’t seem to be working out, or if you start to feel uncomfortable, make your excuses and leave. At this point you may regret having told him that you can stay over, but there’s no point in being over-polite if it’s quite clear that you’d rather be somewhere else. Sometimes casual encounters work – sometimes they don’t. Conversely, if you ask somebody to leave, it’s not essential but it’s certainly a considerate gesture to make a contribution towards his fare home.
• Once you’ve got down to business, don’t roll over and fall asleep until you have both had an opportunity to cum unless one of you has said that he’s not going to.
• When you’ve done your stuff, it’s usual to go your separate ways. Do not feel obliged to exchange phone numbers. You’ve (hopefully) both got what you want and the ‘contract’ is finished. But does that stop us? No. More often than not we play that fucking ridiculous telephone numbers game!

Phone numbers

Days are long gone when you could transpose the last two numbers of your phone number on a scrap of paper. Today’s technology obliges you to exchange personal information. If a guy offers you his number but you’re not going to use it: say so. The tone of your voice can be friendly but be just that. You should only offer him your number because you want to see him again and not because you’re trying to be polite and/ or let him down gently.

This becomes more difficult if you’ve swapped phones to enter each other’s details – often done in haste and quickly regretted. You may also want to consider whether you give your last name as it can be surprisingly easy to find/ track/ stalk someone on Facebook, Google+ and other social media.

The morning after

If it’s the morning after the night before and you don’t want to see him again, don’t hang around. Get dressed, say something casual like ‘see you around’ and leave before the ritual of exchanging phone numbers can start.

If he offers you his number and you’re not going to use it – be polite, but decline. Remember: it’s a casual encounter… you’re not married… there are no obligations. If you want to see someone again and you have a partner – be honest and tell him the score.

The bottom line is that many numbers are scrawled down in haste and never used again. It’s just what we do to tie up the end of an intimate sexual encounter with the harsh reality that you’ve both done the business and are now getting on with your lives.

Lessons learnt

Learning and understanding this stuff can be both slow and painful, particularly when you think you’ve met someone really special who then never calls. The pit opens up and you start wondering if you should call… If you shagged on Saturday and it’s now Monday, do you call on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday? How long do you give him, two, three or four days? You feel wretched and vow never to feel like this again. BTW: Luke’s motto (one of the MEN R US team) is “48hrs or bust!”

Maybe he didn’t call you because he’s gone home to the boyfriend he didn’t tell you about, he’s met someone else, he’s afraid of getting too close or he’s just an arsehole. Maybe he likes you but not enough.

Hook-up safer

Whether you’re new to hooking up or you’ve been around the block a few times, these tips should help you remain safer and provide a springboard for thinking about how to get the most out of it.

Hooking up should be about connection, intimacy, affirmation, and fun. Most of the time, it is. But when things go wrong, it’s only afterwards that we tend to rethink our decisions and choices.

Hopefully, we learn from our experiences—and from each other because some hook-ups result in tragic consequences. If you use chems, you should know that there are up to three chems-related deaths a month in London and at least one chems-related ambulance callout every day of the year.

Be mindful that some tips assume you have the capacity (the ability) to give your consent freely. Also, be aware that drugs can affect your judgment, decision-making, ability to dose correctly, and ability to track time accurately.

1. Maintaining your sexual health includes condoms, lube, PrEP, understanding U=U, regular sexual health check-ups,
   and STI self-test kits.
2. Think carefully before agreeing to meet. If you feel uncomfortable at your destination, trust your instincts and leave.
3. Let someone know where you’re going and/ or consider a tracker app. Keep your phone charged and keep the location GPS on.
4. Have an exit plan. Keep your money, cards, and valuables in a safe place. Consider hiding cash in a bag, sock, shoe, or clothing.
5. Sex should always be consensual. From both of you, not just one of you. And both can change your mind at any time.
6. If you use drugs: know what and how much you’re taking. Pace yourself and take breaks.
7. Be mindful that cruising at night while high can put you at extreme risk.
8. Be aware that GHB and GBL can be used to spike drinks to incapacitate people. Open any unopened bottles or cans yourself and dose your own drinks.
9. When calling for an ambulance (eg: if someone has overdosed), be aware that the police may attend and may arrive first.
10. Know your rights when stopped, questioned searched, and/ or arrested by the police know and where to get legal help.
11. Know where to get professional help and support should you need it. If in doubt, phone a helpline or ask a friend.
12. Be careful with whom you share your Wi-Fi network. We strongly suggest a restricted network for guests, or they can use their own.
13. Using any camera or filming equipment with the intention of recording or broadcasting someone having sex without their consent is against the law and carries heavy penalties.
14. Only have guys you want in your home. Nobody should outstay their welcome. If someone asks to stay, think it through carefully—before you know, a night turns into a week… or longer.
15. All hate crime matters. Report it to the police or through a third party.
16. When hook-ups don’t go to plan, we often don’t talk about it. Chatting it through with a friend can help.

Get your free hook-up safer booklet

Get your free “Hook-Up Safer” booklet (A6) through our Contact form.

More

• Keep your personal information personal
• Use the anonymity that some web apps provide
• Consider getting a second phone for cruising
• Are his photos recent?
• Are your pics OK if they were shared publicly?
• Think about what he’s after
• Consider speaking before you meet
• Meet in a public place
• Get safe transport to/ from your destination
• Trust your instincts, trust your gut
• Keep personal belongings safe

More safer-hook up tips

Yes, there’s more, we went down a rabbit hole:

• Share and discuss
• Friends don’t always mention bad experiences
• Hands up if you’ve taken out insurance after your phone has been stolen?
• Telling someone you’re hooking-up
• 24/ 7 online smörgåsbord of men and drugs
• Finding the middle ground
• Keep your personal information personal
• Use the anonymity that web apps provide
• GPS location
• A second phone for cruising
• Are his photos recent?
• Are your pics OK if they were shared publicly?
• Hate crime
• Think about what he’s after…
• Consider speaking before you meet
• Tell a friend where you are going
• Meet in a public place
• Get safe transport to/ from your destination
• Be aware that drinks can be spiked
• Know what to do if you have been assaulted or had non-consensual sex
• Trust your instincts, trust your gut
• Condoms and lube
• Keep personal belongings safe
• Protect yourself and if in doubt “Run!”
• Anonymous ‘open door’ encounters

Your guide

This section is divided into four parts.

• Cottaging  refers to having sex in public toilets, and locations include bus stations, railway stations, motorway service stations and airports. Cottaging is usually a one-off, anonymous encounter.
• Cruising refers to searching for a sexual partner for an anonymous, often on-off encounter. Cruising is typically private or discreet, in areas or sites such as side-streets, parks, road lay-bys, (nudist) beaches, dunes and other public places.
• Cruising the streets. Meeting guys on the street happens all the time, but while the theory is simple, the practice requires a little more balls and timing. 
• Voyeurism is gaining sexual pleasure from watching or recording other people engaged in sex and/ or intimate behaviour or other activities of a private nature. 

Fun fact: Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, looking for and having sex in public toilets (gay or straight) is illegal in the UK, including sex behind closed/ locked doors and solo masturbation. Unlike cottaging, cruising is not illegal. Sex in public places is not illegal unless it’s witnessed and/ or there’s a reasonable chance of being witnessed by others, eg: passers-by, dog walkers. 

If you fall foul of the law: Get professional legal advice at the earliest opportunity. Know your rights when questioned and/ or arrested. Anything you say may be used as evidence against you.

Cottaging

Cottaging is slang for having sex in public toilets, and locations include bus stations, railway stations, motorway stations and airports. Cottaging are usually one-off, anonymous encounters.

For some gay men, cottaging is about the excitement and rush of hooking up with a stranger. Way before Grindr and Gaydar, searching for speedy sex with a stranger was a creative and skilled pursuit and remains so today. For other men, it’s a way to express themselves sexually if they are closeted or don’t define themselves as gay or homosexual. Some men remain in the closet, an issue complicated for those married, from ethnic minority communities, of some faiths and religions, and those from countries where being gay remains taboo. Cruising is not for everyone and carries stigma and shame for some.

The term “cottaging” originates from self-contained toilet blocks resembling small cottages in Victorian times. It was embraced by gay men speaking Polari in the 1960s, a secret language before homosexuality was partially decriminalised in 1967. It allowed them to speak openly and identify themselves as gay. Unless you were in the know, you would only partially understand what was being said and hear nothing incriminating.

During the latter of the 20th century, undercover police would stake out and entrap men using public toilets. Gay men can still remember the police response as disproportionate and vindictive. Despite the arrest and imprisonment of thousands of gay men, with some high-profile court cases, the cottaging didn’t stop as it was the only way for many men to meet other men. However, by the early 1980s, Gay London Police Monitoring Group (GALOP) was founded, and there have been slow but steady improvements between the LGBT+ community and the police. Even so, cottaging is still risky today, with fines and imprisonment if caught.

The law

Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, looking for and having sex in public toilets (gay or straight) is illegal in the UK, including sex behind closed/ locked doors and solo masturbation.

Good to know

• Penalties
  Penalties include a prison sentence, a fine, or both.
• Cautions
  If you accept a caution as an alternative to prosecution, this forms part of your criminal record and can be used as evidence of bad character if you’re prosecuted for another crime. Unless a conviction is a certainty, therefore, don’t accept a caution.
• Sex Offenders Register
  Your name could be added to the Sex Offenders Register in some circumstances if you’re cautioned or convicted under the Act.
• Banned from premises
  If you’re found cottaging in a shopping centre or airport by security staff, for example, they could ban you from the premises.
• DRB Check
  This is a check of your criminal record carried out by the Disclosure and Barring Service. It used to be called a ‘CRB check’. There are more detailed checks for certain roles; eg: healthcare, teaching and or childcare.
• Other offences (voyeurism)
  A charge of voyeurism may tie into other offences including blackmail, revenge porn and possession of indecent images.
• Jurisdiction
  The above applies to England and Wales although there are some similar provisions in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Cruising

Cruising (we’re not talking ships) refers to searching for a sexual partner for an anonymous encounter, often a one-off. Cruising areas or sites include streets, parks, road lay-bys, (nudist) beaches or sand dunes and other public areas. Some sites have been around for decades, Hampstead Heath and Brompton Cemetery being two of the most (in) famous in London.  Imagine a nightclub dark room but free and outdoors, but daytime can work just as well.

Of course, men finding other men for sex has been going for centuries though the term ‘cruise’ is believed to come from the Dutch ‘kruisen’. The term was also used as code by closeted gay communities when homosexuality was illegal, and is the title of a 1980 American crime thriller film with Al Pacino. The film was poorly received and did nothing to enhance the meaning though the term has since been absorbed into the mainstream heterosexual vocabulary. Whatever its origins, the term cruising has stood the test of time.

For some gay men, cruising is about the excitement and rush of hooking up with a stranger alfresco. Way before Grindr and Gaydar, searching for speedy sex with a stranger was a creative and skilled pursuit and remains so today.  For other men, it’s a way to express themselves sexually, if closeted or if they don’t define themselves as gay or homosexual. Men remain in the closet, an issue complicated for those married, from ethnic minority communities, of some faiths and religions, and those from countries where being gay remains taboo. Cruising is not for everyone and carries stigma and shame for some.

During the latter of the 20th century, undercover police would stake out and entrap men using cruising areas and public toilets. Gay men can still remember the police response as disproportionate and vindictive. Despite the arrest and imprisonment of thousands of gay men, with some high-profile court cases, cruising and cottaging have never waned. In the early 1980s, the Gay London Police Monitoring Group (GALOP) was founded, and there have been slow, if faltering, improvements in the relationship between the LGBT+ community and the police. Cruising is still risky today, with fines and imprisonment if caught having sex.

The law

Unlike cottaging, cruising is not illegal. Sex in public places is not illegal unless it’s witnessed and/ or there’s a reasonable chance of being witnessed by others, eg: passers-by, dog walkers. For example:

• Behaviour that is likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to others
• Outraging public decency contrary to common law
• If a person exposes themselves to someone, intending that someone will see them and cause alarm or distress

You may be charged with offences under the Public Order Act 1986 and/ or the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Good to know

• Penalties
  Penalties include a prison sentence, a fine, or both.
• Cautions
  If you accept a caution as an alternative to prosecution, this forms part of your criminal record and can be used as evidence of bad character if you’re prosecuted for another crime. Unless a conviction is a certainty, therefore, don’t accept a caution.
• Sex Offenders Register
  Your name could be added to the Sex Offenders Register in some circumstances if you’re cautioned or convicted under the Act.
• Banned from premises
  If you’re found cottaging in a shopping centre or airport by security staff, for example, they could ban you from the premises.
• DRB Check
  This is a check of your criminal record carried out by the Disclosure and Barring Service. It used to be called a ‘CRB check’. There are more detailed checks for certain roles; eg: healthcare, teaching and or childcare.
• Other offences (voyeurism)
  A charge of voyeurism may tie into other offences including blackmail, revenge porn and possession of indecent images.
• Jurisdiction
  The above applies to England and Wales although there are some similar provisions in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

More

Cruising safer

• Tell a friend where you are going.
• Cruising grounds can be disorientating, so know your exits.
• If you know someone else there, make contact: you can look out for each other.
• Listening to music using headphones makes you less aware of danger or attack.
• Try not to carry valuables.
• If you’ve met someone for the first time, you may be tempted to take them home or go home with them. Beware of the risks. Get their phone number and suggest meeting another night.
• Sexy though they may appear to be – stay clear of groups of straight men, particularly if they’re loud or drunk.
• Be wary of accepting lifts from strangers. If you are with friends but do not know the driver, you should be cautious about being the last person to be dropped off. Hitch-hiking can be dangerous. Try not to hitch alone, although this may make getting lifts more difficult.
• Some guys have a 2nd phone (left at home) to which they send themselves messages with a quick description of the plan before running off with a complete stranger. Doing this before a potential shag also lets them know you are connected. Over the top (OTT), but it depends on how you value your personal safety (especially if you are not out).

Cruising the streets

Meeting guys on the street happens all the time, but while the theory is simple, the practice requires a little more balls and timing. So, if you see a guy you like, here are a few handy tips:

• First things first, check your ‘gaydar’ (that exclusive sixth sense only known to gay men). Looks can be deceptive, and many straight men dress gay for fashion.
• Depending on the distance between you, you may need to change your angle of approach to ensure you pass by. Be casual, and if you’re unfamiliar with the art of subtlety it’s possibly best not to try. As you near each other look straight into his eyes in friendly non-threatening manner. If he does the same – and any longer than is usual between strangers – continue to look at him as you pass him.
• Now this is the hard part. At what point do you look over your shoulder to see if he’s doing the same? When you’re doing it he might only be thinking about it or he could be doing it while you’re making up your mind! Hopefully, five or ten paces on, you’ll both do it at the same time. If not, you’ll never know what you missed, quite literally.
• If he’s doing the same, you’ll both pretend not to cruise when in fact you both know what you’re both doing. Your heart pounds as you work out who’s going to make the next move. A friendly smile, a casual remark or a straight forward “Hi!” can break the ice but it does help if one of you has the courage to speak. His body language, his voice and facial expression should all tell you whether he’s interested or not.
• If, after talking to him, you change your mind, you should make a clean polite getaway. “Nice to meet you” or “see you around” and a friendly smile will usually do it, but say it as you’re leaving so as to make it clear that the encounter is over.

Voyeurism

Voyeurism is gaining sexual pleasure from watching or recording other people engaged in sex and/ or intimate behaviour or other activities of a private nature. Voyeurism, by its nature, implies that one party doesn’t consent to the activity but can be a legitimate form of sexual expression if ALL parties give consent.

The law

Introduced in 2019, an offence committed under the Voyeurism Offences Act must meet the following criteria:

• The aim of the voyeur is sexual pleasure or gratification.
• No consent is given by the person being watched/ observed and/ or filmed.
• The voyeurism is specifically aimed at genitalia or underwear.

The Act explicitly addresses ‘upskirting’, which is a variation of voyeurism which refers to taking photos or videos underneath a person’s clothing. This usually occurs