Popular topics and icon codes

Do it your way

Welcome to our world and the journey. As you can see, we take ourselves seriously but not too seriously. And introductions are usually very dull, so you’re not going to get one, at least not in the traditional sense.

YOU aims to be supportive, straight-talking and fun and should help you get the best out of being gay, particularly if you’re starting out or questioning your sexuality or gender.

Getting the best out of YOU should be the same as getting the best out of life: do it your way! Please let us know if you have any suggestions as to how we can make YOU better.

The spectrum

Today’s younger 21st-century generation has a significantly different understanding of these issues than previous generations, embracing an evolving language that better describes who they are and how they feel.

Also, talking about sex, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation can be daunting for those who were raised with a more fixed or narrower view of gender (a man or woman), sex (male or female), or sexuality (gay or straight).

For some, our sexuality and gender identity are clear(er); for others, less so and can be more fluid.

The spectrum illustrated here (and there are variations) can help visualise how you feel at any given time.

“If you were born with a penis, society expects you to look, act and dress in one way, and if you were born with vulva, society expects you to be the opposite. Many people assume that the sex you were assigned at birth (eg: male) will determine your gender identity (man), your gender expression (masculine) and your sexual orientation and behaviour (straight). Men are supposed to be dominant, rational and providers while women are expected to be submissive, emotional and nurturing. That’s not for everyone! People identify in many ways—in between and outside of the categories of man/ woman, male/ female, masculine/ feminine and gay/ straight. Our lives are much more complex than the pink and blue boxes set by the gender binary.” Send the Right Message | US

Check out our A-Z glossary of words and terms, including …

Books

What does gay mean?

The word gay is most commonly used to describe people who are physically and romantically attracted to other people of the same gender (male or female). Simply put men who have sex with other men, and fall in love with men; and women who have sex with other women, and fall in love with women.

While the word gay is used for both men and women, gay is usually used to describe men while women are described as lesbians.

Sex, gender, and sexuality

Before we say more about sexuality (being gay) there are some basics we should cover first:

• sex (assigned at birth)
• gender; gender identity, and gender expression
• sexuality

They are often lumped together though they are different parts of who we are.

Your sex assigned at birth

Your sex assigned at birth is the biological and physical characteristics used to define people as male or female. These include:

• X and Y chromosomes
• whether you have external or internal sex organs (penis or vagina)
• types and levels of hormones
• hair growth
• breast development
• what is recorded on your birth certificate

Some people are born intersex and have characteristics that don’t fit typical definitions of male and female.

Your gender identity

Your gender is how you feel about yourself:

• Your internal and personal sense of being a boy or man, or a girl or woman, both or another gender
• The way you communicate, behave and identify with others
• The acceptance or non-acceptance of your ‘membership’ to society and attitudes and behaviours it expects of you

It’s not about whether you were born with a penis or a vagina.

Gender or gender identity is generally accepted to be a social invention and hundreds if not thousands of years old, depending on whether you want to look at more recent times or go back to the year dot. This means it does not exist naturally but rather is a series of ideas, rules, conventions, expectations that have evolved to enable society to work, and work better (if usually for the majority). However, this may not reflect how you truly feel, behave, or define yourself so society’s categories or pigeonholes for what is masculine and feminine have always been acceptable for some while less so for others.

Non-binary genders and gender variants

Terms primarily used by the LGBT+ communities, male and female genders are also referred to as gender binary, binary meaning composed of or involving two things (male and female). Non-binary genders refer to any gender that does not fit within the binary of male and female, genderqueer, being an example. 

The term is also used by individuals wishing to identify as falling outside of the gender binary without being any more specific about the nature of their gender. For example, a person might say “I’m not sure if there is a term for my gender but I know it’s non-binary” or “I consider myself as gender variant.”

Your gender expression

Gender expression is how a person chooses to outwardly express (show) their gender. For example:

• Choice of clothing
• General physical appearance
• Behaviour toward others
• Way they carry themselves
• Way they speak

Your sexuality

Your sexuality or sexual orientation is who you are attracted to romantically and/ or sexually.

We should also include romantic orientation because we may have strong romantic relationships which do not necessarily involve sex, and where sex in itself is not necessarily the final goal or endpoint.

• Gay and lesbian (or homosexual) if you are attracted to people of the same sex or gender
• Bisexual or bi if you are attracted to both men and women
• Pansexual is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity
• Straight (or heterosexual) if you are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender
• Asexual if you are not sexually attracted to either men or women
• Others self-identify as Queer because they feel sexual attraction isn’t about labels and/ or it’s a political statement

There are other ways to identify your sexuality but you should not feel pressured to label yourself (or be labelled) in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. While the sexual orientations listed here are more usual, more emerge as we learn, and LGBT+ people self-define. For example:

• “The survey received 108,100 valid responses from individuals aged 16 or over who were living in the UK and self-identified as LGBT or intersex. Sexual orientation: 61% of respondents identified as gay or lesbian and a quarter (26%) identified as bisexual. A small number identified as pansexual (4%), asexual (2%) and queer (1%).” | The National LGBT Survey | Government Qualities Office; pg.8 | 2018
• “More than 1 in 5 LGBTQ youth described themselves as something other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. While 78% responded that their sexual orientation was gay, lesbian, or bisexual, a full 21% selected the option for “something else.” These included demisexual, panromantic sexual, ace spectrum, grey sexual and polysexual. | Research Brief: Diversity of Youth Sexual Orientation | Trevor Project | 2019

To be, or not to be, queer

The meaning of ‘queer’ has changed a lot over recent decades. From being a slur to being reclaimed by some LGBT+ people and being rejected by others. The short answer is that ‘queer’ means different things to different people.

There’re lots of reasons why people identify with ‘queer’, either individually or as an umbrella term. It encompasses a wide range of identities and doesn’t risk excluding groups that the acronym may leave out. Some people find queer’s ambiguity appealing since it gives a sense of community without the need for a more specific label. You might be gay, I might be trans – but we’re both queer, and that brings us together.

For some, using ‘queer’ also aims to be an all-inclusive, a unifying umbrella term that includes people who are same-gender attracted and gender diverse as well as the intersections of people and identities within our community. Also, people like it because it’s easy to say and has a whole lot fewer syllables than LGBTIQ and overall, it’s easier to use and remember, especially if this is all new to you.

There are people who dislike the term, mostly due of the fact that it has also been a term that’s used as a slur (a word people use with hate). In the 1960s onwards, people used the word queer as a weapon, usually saying it when attacking or trying to humiliate LGBTIQ people. It wasn’t until the 1980s when activists began to reclaim it, writing it on banners and flags when marching and protesting.

Lesbians and lesbianism

Lesbianism is the sexual and romantic desire between women. The word comes from “Lesbos”, the Greek island in the Mediterranean. Lesbos was home to Sappho, a Greek poet who explored themes of women’s lives. While some women use the term ‘lesbian’ to describe themselves, others prefer other terms such as ‘gay’ or ‘queer’, while others prefer no label at all.

For some, the term “dyke” is offensive slang for lesbian. While its origins are a derogatory/ homophobic slur meaning masculine or butch, it has been reclaimed by some women as a positive to describe themselves as tough, resilient and/ or assertive. Note: a dike (with an ‘i’) is a natural or artificial barrier used to manage/ regulate water levels.

Historically, there are far fewer mentions of lesbianism than male homosexuality, primarily due to historical writings and records primarily written by men, focusing on men. Imagine that?!*

Books

News and features

Bisexuality

Bisexuality is the romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behaviour toward both men (males) and women (females). A bisexual person may be attracted to one gender more than another, equally attracted to all genders, or may consider gender unimportant in terms of attraction. Furthermore, a person’s attraction toward one gender or another may shift over time.

Though this is changing, bisexual men and women have often been forgotten or seen as an after-thought within the LGBT+ community. This is strange, given it’s the third letter in LGBT!

Bisexual men and women are also characterised as people who don’t exist or are “just going through a phase”, “sexually greedy”, “gay really”, or “can’t make up their mind”. These views are untrue and disrespectful.

Be an ally

• Ask questions, pick up a book, watch a film
• Use inclusive language
• Learn and educate others
• Call out biphobia
• Remember 23 September, Bi Visibility Day

The bisexual flag

The bisexual pride flag was designed by Michael Page in 1998 to give the bisexual community its symbol comparable to the gay pride flag of the larger LGBT community. He aimed to increase the visibility of bisexuals, both among society as a whole and within the LGBT community. The pink represents gay or homosexual attractions, the blue represents attractions to different genders, and the purple (in the middle) represents attraction regardless of sex or gender. 

More

Trans and transgender

Trans and transgender individuals have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from the sex that they were assigned at birth.

A trans man is a term used to describe someone who is assigned female at birth but identifies and lives as a man. This may be shortened to trans man, or FTM, an abbreviation for female-to-male.

A trans woman is a term used to describe someone who is assigned male at birth but identifies and lives as a woman. This may be shortened to trans woman, or MTF, an abbreviation for male-to-female.

​​Transitioning are the steps trans people take to live in the gender with which they identify. One person’s transition may vary from another; for some, this involves hormone therapy and surgeries, though not all trans people want or are able to have this. Transitioning can also involve telling friends and family, dressing differently, and changing official documents.

​Transphobia is the fear or dislike of someone based on the fact they are trans, including denying their gender identity or refusing to accept it. Transphobia may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, trans.

​ “Transsexual” was used in the past as a more medical term (similar to homosexual), but it is outdated and many find its use offensive.

Be an ally

• Listen to trans people
• Use correct pronouns and state your pronouns
• Use gender-inclusive language and appreciate gender diversity
• Learn and educate yourself
• Recognise that being transgender is not about how someone looks
• When you make mistake: apologise and move on
• Assemble: show up for trans community events
• Call out transphobia

Independent review of gender identity services for children and young people

The Independent Review of Gender Identity Services for Children and Young People (The Cass Review) was commissioned by NHS England and NHS Improvement in Autumn 2020 to make recommendations about the services provided by the NHS to children and young people who are questioning their gender identity or experiencing gender incongruence.

News and articles

More about gender and sexuality

Same sex friendships and crushes

Throughout our lives, it’s not unusual for us to feel drawn to people of our own sex. Particularly when we are growing up, we experience very close friendships or crushes which are often not sexual. We also admire athletes and sports personalities, film and pop stars.

Finding someone attractive or handsome or stunning doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay, and certainly doesn’t mean you’re odd or weird. For some of us it is an indicator that we are gay or bisexual and, in time, we go on to have relationships with people of the same sex. For others, feelings change and they find that they are attracted to the opposite sex, or even both sexes.

What makes us gay?

Lots of theories have been put forward as to why we are gay including:

• genetic factors and brain structure
• child-rearing and overbearing parents
• the society and culture we grow up in

Take your pick. Browse the Internet and you’ll find 10 more, some bonkers. Even today, theories are fiercely debated, new ones appear, while others fall away. The nature vs. nurture argument often takes centre stage though genetic factors would seem to be the front-runner.

More importantly, perhaps, does it matter? Or as Albin belts out at the end of Act I of La Cage aux Folles “I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses.”

Genes and genetic factors

In August 2019, Scientific American reported a new study that claims to dispel the notion that a single gene or handful of genes make a person prone to same-sex behavior. The analysis, which examined the genomes of nearly half a million men and women, found that although genetics are certainly involved in who people choose to have sex with, there are no specific genetic predictors. Yet some researchers question whether the analysis, which looked at genes associated with sexual activity rather than attraction, can draw any real conclusions about sexual orientation.

In December 2017, the New Scientist reported reported that “…for the first time, individual genes have been identified that may influence how sexual orientation develops in boys and men, both in the womb and during life. Alan Sanders at North Shore University, Illinois, and his team pinpointed these genes by comparing DNA from 1077 gay and 1231 straight men. They scanned the men’s entire genomes, looking for single-letter differences in their DNA sequences. This enabled them to home in on two genes whose variants seem to be linked to sexual orientation.”

Scientists quash idea of single ‘gay gene’

In 2019, a vast new study has quashed the idea that a single “gay gene” exists, scientists say, instead finding homosexual behaviour is influenced by a multitude of genetic variants which each have a tiny effect. The researchers compare the situation to factors determining a person’s height, in which multiple genetic and environmental factors play roles. “[This study] highlights both the importance of the genetics as well as the complexity of the genetics, but genetics is not [the] whole story,” said Dr Benjamin Neale, co-author of the study from the Broad Institute in the US.

Scientists quash idea of single ‘gay gene’ | The Guardian | 29 Aug 2019

No one chooses their sexuality

One thing we do know is that no one chooses their sexuality. It is innate and natural to us. Some gay people knew they were different, if not gay, from as young as 5 or 6 while, for most of us, our sexuality is determined by our early teens. Some men have girlfriends, get married and have families before they realise who they are  – coming out later on in their life, in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s.

I know I am different

From the day boys are born, society still assumes (though this is changing) they will be heterosexual, have children with a girlfriend or wife, and follow gender orientated work and career paths.

For the first 10 years or so of our lives most of us are encouraged to be heterosexual or straight whether it’s the clothes we are given to wear, the toys we are given to play with, the TV we are allowed to watch, or the male role model our father represents.

Even though much has changed in recent decades, this is underpinned by the ideal of traditional family life, still the backbone of many societies, reinforced by heterosexual stereotyping on TV and in the media.

Assuming and reinforcing a person’s sexual orientation is confusing and stressful, especially as we hit puberty when hormones rage and emotions surge.

Doubt and uncertainty 

We don’t choose your sexuality and the journey to understanding and accepting this can be as quick as it can be slow. We may have been attracted to guys for many years before making a more meaningful connection or have only recently begun to question our sexuality as a result of a crush on a friend or a glance on the street that we can’t get out of our mind.

Doubt, uncertainty and questioning is not only usual and common, it’s also healthy. This doesn’t mean that everyone who questions their sexuality in this way is actually gay; some men explore same-sex relationships (or the idea of them) and then decide that they are in fact straight. Some people realise that they prefer people of the opposite sex, while others feel that they prefer people of the same sex. Some people realise that they’re gay later in life, and some know it from an early age.

Two stories for you …

There are many coming out videos online today but these thoughtful stories from Tom and Kima are both powerful and moving.

Growing up gay

For some young gay or bisexual people, adolescence can be a time of anxiety and fear and they may later look back on this part of their lives with sadness and regret.

Even though it’s easier for successive generations to question their sexuality and come out, as gay teenagers we can be painfully aware we’re not like other people. This can be tough growing up stuff. We convince ourselves that only we feel this way we can become withdrawn and lonely – even though there are books, films and role models to support us. 

We learn to hide our true feelings and act as others want us to, fearful of being discovered, rejected by loved ones and friends, or that we are going to disappoint people.

Some believe that if they partner or marry the opposite sex, gay feelings will disappear, though this happens less these days. However, doing this will often store up stress and anxiety in later years which can express itself negatively. The conflict between who you truly are and what others want you to be can be demanding. Breaking out of a clearly defined heterosexual role involves courage and strength.

How many gay people are there in the UK?

MEN R US first posted this content in 2015. However, the 2021 Census included data on gender identity and sexual orientation, which has been released for the first time. For comparison, we have purposefully kept what we originally wrote (the one in ten per cent rule and estimates), adding key data takeaways from the 2021 Census below.

The ‘one in ten rule’, and estimates

A ‘one in ten rule’ has long held in popular culture as a ‘reliable guesstimate’ of homosexuality rates. With a UK population of just over 66 million, this means there would be around 6.6 million who are gay, lesbian or bisexual. However, this is unlikely.

However, percentages (%) vary. Referencing the Public Health England report: Producing modelled estimates of the size of the lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) population of England (2019).

• The figure most regularly quoted in the media comes from the UK Department of Trade and Industry, which estimated the size of the LGB population to be between 5-7% of the total adult population in 2003. This figure was based on a general review of surveys from Europe and the US that looked at sexual preferences, including behaviour and attraction. ^[1]
• However, recent UK national surveys that asked specifically about self-reported sexual identity have reported lower figures, among which the ONS Integrated Household Survey of 2014 is probably the most comprehensive; with a reported 1.9% of the population self-identifying as LGB or ‘other’ ^[2]
• The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL) Wave 3 of 2010-2012 reported 2.7-2.8% of the population self-identifying as LGB or ‘other’, and this is the only national survey that included questions on sexual behaviour and attraction in addition to identity have reported lower figures, among which the ONS Integrated Household Survey of 2014 is probably the most comprehensive; with a reported 1.9% of the population self-identifying as LGB or ‘other’.^[3]
• In 2015, LGB estimates of Greater London GP Patient Survey reported 5.1% and LGB estimates of Greater Manchester GP Patient Survey reported 3.6% though MEN R US would like to note that many LGBT+ people gravitate to larger towns and cities. ^[4]

Taking an average of these percentages (3.5%) and a UK population of 66 million, you are looking at around 2.31 million LGB people. What is deeply shocking, however, is the absence of data for trans people.

Census key data takeaways | 2021

• On gender identity: 45.7 million (94.0% of the population aged 16 years and over) answered the question “Is the gender you identify with the same as your sex registered at birth?”. 45.4 million answered “Yes” and 262,000 answered “No”. The remaining 2.9 million (6.0%) did not answer the question.
• Those who reported that their gender identity was different from their sex at birth was 0.55% in England and 0.40% in Wales. Within England, London was the region with the highest percentage who reported that their gender identity was different from their sex at birth while the region reporting the lowest percentage was the South West (0.42%). As the question was voluntary, analysis should take into account differences in response rates between different areas.
• 44.9 million people (92.5% of the population aged 16 years and over) answered the question on sexual orientation. Around 43.4 million people (89.4%) identified as straight or heterosexual. Around 1.5 million people (3.2%) identified with an LGB+ orientation (“Gay or Lesbian”, “Bisexual” or “Other sexual orientation”). The remaining 3.6 million people (7.5%) did not answer the question.
• The data showed few differences between England and Wales with respect to the proportion of respondents identifying with LGB+ orientation, but again it must be noted that answers were provided voluntarily. The English region with the highest proportion of people reporting LGB+ orientation was London (4.3% of the total number of respondents over the age of 16).

Estimating the size and composition of the lesbian, gay, and bisexual population in Britain | 2009

There is no reliable current information on the size of the LGB population.

• Estimates range from 0.3% to 10% using different measures and sources. None of these estimates correct for the possibility of higher than average rates of non-reporting and misreporting among LGB people.
• The only official estimate of 5-7% by the Department of Trade and Industry, is based on a wide set of published sources drawn from a range of national settings and using various dimensions of sexual orientation.
• The size of the LGB group in ten government and other social surveys based on identity questions indicates a range of 0.3% to 3% and around 2% in population-based surveys.
• The four ONS Omnibus Survey trials give findings of 1.4% to 2.5% LGB or 1.9% in the first three trials combined.
• The Citizenship Survey gives a lower proportion of 1.5%.
• Other sources have estimated the population to be 14% as high as 10%. None of these surveys provides an adequate basis for estimating the true size of the LGB population of GB.

^[1] Final regulatory impact assessment: Civil Partnership Act 2004. London: Department of Trade and Industry, 2003.
^[2] Statistical bulletin: Integrated Household Survey (Experimental statistics): January to December 2014. Office for National Statistics, 2015.
^[3] Mercer CH, Tanton C, Prah P, Erens B, Sonnenberg P, Clifton S, et al. Changes in sexual attitudes and lifestyles in Britain through the life course and over time: findings from the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal). The Lancet. 2013;382(9907): 1781-94. 10.1016/s0140-6736(13)62035-8
^[4] Referencing the Public Health England report: Producing modelled estimates of the size of the lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) population of England (2019). pg 25, boxes 1 and 2.

Why do I want to come out?

This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like…

• “Because I’m proud of who I am”, or
• “It is impossible to be fully happy if my sexuality remains hidden” or
• “I want to meet other gay people like me”

… then these are good reasons. If you’re doing it principally to shock or hurt people, think again. The person who gets hurt could be you.

Benefits of coming out

• A relief to unload the secret you have been keeping
• You no longer have to live a lie and can live as you want to live
• Feel better about yourself and improve your confidence and self esteem
• Develop closer, more genuine relationships with friends and family
• It can be easier to make gay friends, date and have relationships
• You won’t be afraid of people finding out any more
• All of the above will not happen at once

Considerations when coming out

• Not everyone will be understanding or accepting
• There may be negative reactions and/ or rejection
• People may treat you differently
• People may not listen, understand or take what you are saying seriously
• People may try talk you out of it
• Your personal safety may be at risk

Coming out to yourself

Acknowledging that you are gay can take days, weeks, months, years or, in some cases, never. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were ‘just a phase’. In time, we realise that these feelings are not going to go away and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex. This realisation is the first stage of coming out.

There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. It’s your life so take your time – do things for yourself and only when you are ready. There are several stages in the process of coming out. The fact that you are reading these words may be a starting point so we encourage you to read, browse and click away.

For some, coming out happens in their teens, for others it may be later in life. Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as like riding an emotional roller-coaster. One day they feel happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they feel confused, scared and relieved that they didn’t. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like. It’s a nerve-racking time – the fear of rejection can feel immense.

Coming out stories

When I Came Out
“Every day across the world, people are coming out — to themselves, to friends, to family, to strangers, as gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning. And every story is unique. Some are funny. Some are disappointing. Some are inspiring. Some are heartbreaking.”
When I Came Out | When I Came Out

I’m From Driftwood
I’m From Driftwood aims to help LGBTQ people learn more about their community, straight people learn more about their neighbours and everyone learn more about themselves through the power of storytelling and story sharing.
I’m From Driftwood | I’m From Driftwood

Understanding | Terry Rayment | Kodak | 19 Dec 2016 | 3m 0s
“Amid the DIY digital age, it’s often difficult to remember the beauty of a 35mm film. Kodak teamed up with director Terry Rayment and cinematographer Kate Arizmendi to tell a beautiful story with a forgotten medium. The short film, “Understanding”, was shot with a KODAK VISION3 500T 5219.” Out | Glenn Garner | 23/12/16. “The film chronicles the relationship between a teenaged boy and his father as he struggles to accept his son’s homosexuality, speaks to the brand’s willingness to share socially relevant stories that have the power to spark change. Captured as a powerful and poignant slice of life, “Understanding” communicates the values of acceptance and equality.” Shoot Publicity Wire | 27/12/16

When I came out, I wasn’t ready for the judgment
Why would a group of people who have historically experienced so much shame and stigma from society dole out that same kind of punishment to each other?
When I came out, I wasn’t ready for the judgment that came from within the community | Zach Rawlings | 1 Aug 2019

How coming out and hating your body are linked
How coming out and hating your body are linked | Zach Rawlings | 31 Jan 2019
When self-acceptance comes with a side of self-hatred.

Coming out stories online

There are many heartfelt and thoughtful coming out stories. Here are a few which have caught our eye … a selection we pulled together in 2015 when we launched this website.

There have been a ton of coming out stories since then. Don’t be put off that some are a few years old as the issues are surprisingly similar across decades and generations.

However, we would like to make the point that you are not obliged to make a video. It’s not a required coming out rite of passage … and just because ‘everybody’ else seems to be doing it doesn’t mean you have to.

Coming out should be about you, on your terms, and your journey. So please think carefully before jumping out of the closet onto YouTube!

And for a something a little less usual there’s:

The end of coming out?

Dustin Lance Black asks whether LGBTQ+ people still need to come out publicly.

“The journey of coming out has long been a rite of passage for LGBTQ+ people. For some, it’s an empowering opportunity to be true to oneself, friends and family. It also has a social purpose. With increased visibility of LGBTQ+ people, the argument goes, comes greater social acceptance. Coming out stories also help bind the community together. But some LGBTQ+ people are choosing alternatives to the public coming out announcement. They argue that a romanticisation of coming out within the LGBTQ+ community puts pressure on those for whom coming out remains difficult or even dangerous. Others question whether coming out publicly as LGBTQ+ is even necessary anymore.

Dustin Lance Black, the screenwriter of Milk, charts the history of coming out as LGBTQ+, from the early gay demonstrations of the 60s and 70s to the watershed coming out moments of celebrities including Sir Ian McKellen, Ellen DeGeneres, and Caitlyn Jenner. Dustin also hears from a younger generation of LGBTQ+ people, to find out how social media has altered what it means to come out about their sexual orientation or gender identity. And he asks whether there will ever come a time when LGBTQ+ people no longer need to come out.”

Out and proud people

Once considered a potential career-ending showstopper, a growing number of celebrities, professionals, and sportspersons have come out as gay and lesbian… and continue to do so.

Coming out films

There are a ton of sensitively well-told coming out stories, and these are the films that have caught our eye. Sometimes you have to look past the ridiculously good looks but, hey, that’s film making. Don’t be put off that some of them are a few years old (!) as the issues are surprisingly similar across decades and generations. And if you don’t like subtitles: please get over it. It’s so worth it!

1. The Way He Looks (Trailer) POR | 2014 | Peccadillo Pictures [15]
2. Just a Question of Love (Trailer) FRA | 2000 | Millivres Multimedia [15]
3. Free Fall (Trailer) GER | 2013 | Peccadillo Pictures [15]
4. Make the Yuletide Gay (Trailer) USA | 2009 | TLA Releasing [15]
5. Balls (Trailer) GER | 2005 | Peccadillo Pictures [15]
6. Latter Days (Trailer) USA | 2005 | TLA Releasing [15]
7. Shelter (Trailer) USA | 2007 | here! Films [15]
8. Defying Gravity (Trailer) USA | 2010 | Millivres Multimedia [15]
9. My Beautiful Laundrette (Trailer) GBR | 1985 | Working Titles [15]
10. Beautiful Thing (Trailer) GBR | 1996 | Channel 4 Films [15]
11.  Mulligans (Trailer) 27 Aug 2014 | 3m 9s

Coming out of the closet

When we disclose or tell others that we are gay, the phrase associated with this process is ‘coming out of the closet’ or ‘coming out’ as a figure of speech. Who you tell is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family. Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent it. Be prepared to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring.

Where did the phrase come from?

The word ‘closet’ was first used to mean secret, as early as the 1600s. but not in relation to a person’s sexuality. ‘Closeted’ also came into use around the same time and meant to keep something hidden or secret from others. ‘Closet case’, ‘closet queen’, or ‘closet homosexual’ began to be used during the middle of the 20th century to mean that someone was hiding their homosexuality from others.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the first printed use of the term ‘coming out of the closet’ to describe declaring one’s sexuality, was written by Sylvia Plath in the January 16, 1963 issue of London Magazine. It is also believed to be the first time that these two terms were combined into one phrase, and a new meaning was born.

By the 1970s ‘coming out the of closet’ had come into common usage and ‘come out’ or ‘coming out’ was often used as a shortened version of this longer phrase, although ‘coming out’ can also be a reference to the social custom of a débutante coming out as mentioned above.

‘Come out’, ‘coming out’, and ‘coming out of the closet’ are terms that are now mostly used in reference to a person telling family members, friends, co-workers, or others that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Our language and the meanings of words are constantly changing and evolving, just as our society changes and evolves.

Sources: Dictionary of American Slang, 3rd ed., HarperCollins Publishers, New York, 1997. The Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd ed., vol. III, Clarendon Press, Oxford, 1989. The Queen’s Vernacular: A Gay Lexicon, by Bruce Rodgers, Straight Arrow Books, San Francisco, 1972. Word’s Out: Gay Men’s English, by William L. Leap, University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis, 1996.

Who should I tell first?

Many gay people describe how important it is to tell someone outside the family first. However, while there have been some moving coming out ‘live’ moments on YouTube we don’t recommend this is where you come out first. Make sure it’s someone you trust and whom you believe to be open-minded and supportive.

Think carefully if you decide to confide in a teacher at school – they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help in approaching the other.

Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say:

• “How can you be sure?”
• “I went through a phase like this at your age.”
• “You’ll grow out of it.”
• “You haven’t tried hard enough with the opposite sex.”
• “How can you know at your age?”

Perversely, at the one time you need support and acceptance you may find yourself defending who you are. It may come as a shock if whomever it is you tell may say the strangest and most hurtful things. Be prepared for this and perhaps practice answering the above responses.

It’s definitely worth thinking about how you respond to these questions before you tell anyone. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard.

Where, when and how

• Choose somewhere neutral and safe
• Make sure you have time to sit down quietly together with plenty of time to talk
• Try not to over-script or sound too formal or give too much information at once
• Try to be calm and be non-confrontational
• Remember that this might be the first time they have thought of you this way
• Their first reaction might not be how they actually feel
• Remember that it probably took time for you to come to terms with it
• If the person you want to tell is stressed or tired it may be a good idea to delay
• Remember to also listen to what others have to say
• Give people a chance to think, and process and have time to get used to it

Things people say

When you come out to someone or say you are questioning your sexuality, people can come out with some rubbish. It usually comes from a place of love (yawn) but responses can range from the thoughtful and supportive to thoughtless and downright insulting. In no particular order, here are our top 20:

1. “You’re just going through a phase.”
2. “Are you the man or woman?”
3. “You can’t be gay – I’ve seen your dick.”
4. “What will the neighbours say?”
5. “So what about grandchildren?!”
6. “You’re just confused.”
7. “You need counselling.”
8. “Go to church and God will love you.”
9. “When did you choose to be gay?”
10. “Have you got AIDS yet?”
11. “I don’t see any make-up?”
12. “You can’t be gay; you’ve had girls.”
13. “Do you really want to be gay?”
14. “Have you had bum sex?”
15. “Which do you like better, men or women?”
16. “We can go shopping.”
17. “I love gay people, really.”
18. “Don’t tell anyone!”
19. “Some of my best friends are gay!”
20. “Did you touch that biscuit?”

Bad coming out experience?

There’s no getting around it but sometimes the first person you tell and confide in is not there for you, becoming hostile, argumentative unkind, even violent.

Get help and support now!

You may feel hurt, vulnerable and lonely but there are some truly great organisations who are there for you.

• Switchboard GBT+ Helpline 0345 3 30 30 30 (10am-11pm),
• LGBT Foundation 0300 330 0630 (10am-10pm daily)
• Albert Kennedy Trust 020 7831 6562 (up to the age of 25)
• Samaritans 0845 7 90 90 90 (24/7)
  
• If you feel unsafe, can you stay with a friend or other family member (even if you don’t tell them why)?
• If you are in imminent danger or in fear of your life call  999. No ifs or buts.

Support for your family

This can be a difficult and traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you.

This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family’s reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already.

If it’s not gay, it’s not gay

If it’s not gay, it’s not gay | Rainbow Youth (New Zealand)  | 1 Oct 2017 | 30s

Coming out wisdoms

• Coming out is rarely all good or all bad
• Don’t let anyone pressure you into coming out
• Don’t lose sight of your own self-worth
• Be prepared for any reaction
• Be prepared that once you start to tell people others might find out quickly
• Give others time to process – after all, you may have given yourself time (perhaps years) to get used to the idea
• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay
• If you are still having doubts, or if you’re feeling depressed or guilty, it may be best to get some support first, perhaps from a counsellor or telephone support line
• Don’t come out during an argument or use your sexuality to hurt or shock
• Get support before coming out from a local support group or trusted friend or relative
• Don’t come out when you’re drunk (or have taken other drugs)
• Tell them that you’re still the same person as you were yesterday
• Have with you sources of support; eg: leaflet or helpline number
• If you decide to tell school friends make sure that you can trust them and that they’ll be supportive
• If you decide to tell a teacher or counsellor at school or college check out their confidentiality policy first

Extract from “Call Me By Your Name” Elio’s father speaks to him.

“You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste! How you live your life is your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. Most of us can’t help but live as though we’ve got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then there are all those versions in between. But there’s only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much .less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. I don’t envy the pain. But I envy you the pain.”

Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman | Atlantic Books

You've told someone you're gay

You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with joy on the moon – or both!

Even if the experience wasn’t as you expected, people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again. Don’t feel guilty about it – go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief. Use this new-found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition.

In a Heartbeat | Beth David and Esteban Bravo | 31 Jul 2017 | 4m05s

Reassure them

Reassure them that nothing has really changed, only their perception of you. In fact after a while they may even realise that the ‘new’ you is better than the ‘old’ you. Most people will experience many positive reactions. For example, ‘We’re so pleased you could tell us’ or ‘Well, we had already guessed and were just waiting for you to say something’.

Some gay people have also met with the response, ‘So am I’. Equally, if it hasn’t gone too well – don’t lose heart.

Time is a great healer

Time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from close friends, ask yourself whether they were really so close if they couldn’t support you through this important part of your life? If your family is reacting badly, this is normal. They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment and lots of pain. Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay.

Many parents will feel a loss in some way – perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings. This can blur their happiness and their love for you. Here are a few examples of how parents and family can react negatively:

• “My parents refused to talk about it. They dismissed it and said they didn’t want the subject brought up again. I decided that I was going to continue to live my life as a gay man. I stopped going home as often as I used to and attending family occasions. It is only now, three years later, that they have begun to broach the subject with me.”
• “My family say that they accept that I am gay but they don’t want to see me being affectionate with another man. They say that they won’t be able to cope with it.”
• “I was at a wedding recently and everyone was there with their partners. I was upset that I couldn’t bring mine. Everyone asked the usual embarrassing questions about girlfriends and I just had to smile and make excuses. I didn’t want to row with my family about it, but it’s just not fair.”

At the end of the day, your parents are still your parents and, in time, few reject their children because they are gay. If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it’s a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them – they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it’s important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns. It’s probably better to persevere and keep going – after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now. The next person you talk to will probably give you a huge hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them, and that they had suspected that something may have been on your mind for a long time.

“It wasn’t easy telling my family that I’m gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, “Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?’ She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.”

Bob Smith, American comedian and author

When shall I tell them?

As with everything in life, timing is everything. Choose the moment carefully – do it when you (and they) have lots of time – not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional. Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances.

Don’t do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive – this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don’t do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves). And remember – only when you are good and ready.

A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn’t happen.

Telling someone you're gay

There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this; there are other ways. You might like to write to people first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself, and others might need the same amount of time.

Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a hostile or negative reaction.

If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won’t help to memorise a script either – you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don’t want to hurt them but need to be honest with them.

Remember to listen to what they have to say – it should be along the lines of a chat; try not to make it a speech or a performance!

Your doctor and dentist

This content was moved to BODY in March 2024.

Coming out at school

If you are:

• thinking about coming out at school
• worried about coming out at school
• coming out at school
• being forced or bullied to come out at school

then you should find all the help and support you need in YOU.

Don’t forget there is online help and support, there are telephone helplines if you want to talk, and we’ve helpful stuff on bad coming out experiences and bullying at school.

And three things to remember:

• you are not alone
• there is help and support for you
• you’re fabulous!

Coming out at work

Some of us prefer not to discuss our personal lives at work – it’s got nothing to do with why we’re there and it’s as straightforward as that. However, human nature being what it is, colleagues often guess or find out, particularly if you don’t talk about ‘her’ or get involved in the ‘who shagged who on Saturday night’ office gossip. For other guys, feeling able to be themselves and chat about what they did at the weekend – perhaps with a boyfriend – is an important part of who they are.

While it may be possible to gauge the kind of response you’ll get, the only way to find out for certain is to come out again – but, in this instance, to the people you work with. Furthermore, there are some circumstances where coming out can seriously affect your job security and promotion prospects. The bottom line is being careful and seeking advice first.

Equality Act 2010

The Equality Act 2010 protects lesbian, gay, bi and trans people from direct discrimination, indirect discrimination, harassment and victimisation at work. It applies to anyone who is perceived to be lesbian, gay, bi or trans, or anyone who experiences discrimination because they associate with LGBT people.

Unions

In a nutshell, trade unions represent people at work. They protect their members, making sure that workplaces are safe, and that pay is fair. For these reasons join one, but particularly if you experience discrimination, harassment or unfavourable treatment at work. There are many trade unions in the UK but here are a handful you may have heard of:

• Unite is Britain’s biggest union with 1.42 million members in every type of workplace
• Unison represents public services staff, although they may be employed in both the public and private sectors
• National Union of Teachers (NASUWT) represents teachers in the UK
• National Union of Students (NUS) is a confederation of 600 students’ unions, representing the interests of more than 7 million students
• Royal College of Nursing (RCN) represents nurses
• British Medical Association (BMA) is the trade union and professional body for doctors in the UK

Coming out in the Gypsy Roma Traveller communities

LGBT+ issues are largely a taboo subject within Gypsy Roma Traveller (GRT) communities which leads to LGBT+ GRTs often feeling isolated. Many hide their sexual identity fearing rejection by family and their community, others because of family pressure and religious beliefs which is why they conform to tradition, get married and have children.

There is no research or statistics to refer to in evidencing the hidden problem of homophobia within the Gypsy Roma Traveller communities against their own LGBT+ community but this indicates how taboo and hidden the problem is. From casework engagement with the wider Gypsy Roma Traveller NGO sector and other stakeholder groups the Traveller Movement are acutely aware this is a real but hidden issue within the Gypsy Roma Traveller community. The shame and guilt inflicted on LGTB+ community members has and can force many to live their lives in total denial, in secret and fearing for their health and wellbeing.¹

Getting the language right

GRT LGBTQ+ Spoken History Archive | Romani Cultural and Arts Company
The Romani Cultural & Arts Company has launched the Gypsy, Roma and Traveller LGBTQ+ Spoken History Archive. This online resource is the result of research carried out by the RCAC, with the support of the European Roma Institute for Arts and Culture, and gives insight into the experience of LGBTQ+ individuals from a variety of international Gypsy, Roma and Traveller communities.

¹Adapted from Support for Gypsy, Roma and Traveller LGBT+ people and their families | The Traveller Movement, Resource for London | 2019

What's next?

You’ve reached the end of our section on COMING OUT. We hope it’s been an interesting and helpful read.

There comes a time to stop talking (or reading for that matter) and get on with living your (new) life exactly how you want to.

There comes a time to start meeting other gay people and to explore your sexuality safely and confidently. A common reaction to this statement, especially if you don’t live in a city is “Fine – but where do I start?”

Remember that being gay is about expressing yourself in the way you want to. And just because you’ve come out doesn’t automatically mean you have to have sex. The important thing is you take your time until you feel the time is right for you. 

Despite the stereotypes, there is no single way of being gay. We are all as different as any other group of people. Going out with friends and meeting new ones at clubs or parties can be great. But the scene isn’t for everybody and it’s not everything there is to being gay.

As with any group of people, there will be some you get on with and some you don’t. If you feel that you have little in common with the gay people you have met so far, you could try different ways of contacting more gay men; take a look at our Activities section.

Above all, be yourself!

Heteronormativity

Heteronormativity is how heterosexuality (or being ‘straight’) is seen as the norm or, in some cases, the superior. It is the bias expressed by a society that can be obvious but which is often subtle and pervasive, whereby individuals are conditioned to expect others to live and behave as if everyone were heterosexual.

Like sexism, heteronormativity is firmly entrenched in the prevailing customs, traditions and institutions of society and often leads to the neglect of issues facing gay men and lesbians. Heterosexuality also leads to the dilemma of whether to hide the fact you are gay or decide to come out, with all that this entails.

Homophobia feeds on heteronormativity, and both can be equally damaging. When services are heteronormative, they can, at best, prevent the needs of our community from being met and, at worst, cause someone to become disenfranchised or isolated. Examples could include our presumptions about family life (“You met that special woman yet?”) or prevent access to core services we all need (“What do you mean you were raped?”).

Heteronormativity and homophobia within society create an atmosphere where LGBT+ people are less valued and vulnerable than their heterosexual counterparts. While landmark legislation in recent years now plays an important part in setting out what people can say and do, there remains a mismatch between what the law states and how people actually behave and treat gay men and others within the LGBT+ community.

Heteronormative services

Heteronormative services refer to systems, organisations, or institutions designed, delivered, or structured in a way that assumes heterosexuality as the norm. These services can exclude and/ or marginalise LGBTQ+ people by not recognising or accommodating their specific needs or experiences. Examples:

• Delivering services with heteronormative expertise only
• Assuming clients or patients are heterosexual unless explicitly stated otherwise
• A lack of professional curiosity to identify specific health or social issues
• Failing to consider boyfriends, same-sex partners or diverse family structures
• Services using forms with ‘male’ or ‘female’ only options
• Cultural or religious beliefs that implicitly or explicitly reject LGBTQ+ identities

Why it matters

• LGBTQ+ individuals can feel alienated or invalidated, discouraging them from accessing vital services
• A lack of tailored support can lead to unmet health needs including worsening disparities in mental health, sexual health or drugs and alcohol services, for example
• Assumptions and biases can lead to microaggressions or, in some cases, discriminatory practices

Mainstream and LGBT+ services

While some gay men are comfortable accessing mainstream services, we believe LGBT+ specific or gay-friendly services (with relevant knowledge and expertise) have a better understanding of the culture, context and issues affecting our lives. This can be critical when accessing a chemsex support service that ‘knows you’ and meets your needs.

Change and inclusivity

Of course, all health services aim to be welcoming, respectful, knowledgeable, and understanding; the thing is to find a service that’s right for your needs.
Services are trying to be more inclusive but we still hear numerous anecdotal stories from gay men who say they have to explain who they are, talk about deeply personal issues to a seemingly heterosexual professional, describe gay sex, hook-up culture, and chemsex.

Check things out

If you’re looking to register or join a service

• Check to see if ‘chems’, ‘LGBT’ ‘gay’ or ‘gay and bisexual men and who have sex with men‘ (GBMSM) included anywhere on their website
• Call anonymously to find out if the ‘vibe’ feels right, find out if they are ‘gay-friendly’ and gauge their response
  “What can you tell me about how your service supports gay men or wider LGBT+ community?”
  “Have your staff had training on chems, gay men’s health, and LGBT+ issues?”
  “How do existing clients respond to LGBT+ people?”
  “Would you say your service is LGBT+ accessible?”

This may seem a little direct but it’s kind-of the point. Listen to what they have to say. You will most likely get the “all staff are professional” response but go with your gut feeling and don’t be afraid to ask questions. You will most likely speak to a receptionist, but if you would like someone more senior, you can ask to speak to a manager. Even in the 21st century, responses from services will vary. You may wish to consider telling them about your sexuality once you feel you can trust them, though, in the meantime, this may affect the treatment you receive.

LGBT+ helplines, HIV and LGBT+ organisations

If you don’t know where to start, phone Switchboard or contacting a local HIV or LGBT+ organisation can be a good place to start. While they may not be able to help you directly, they usually know what’s going on in the area and can signpost accordingly.

More

Coming out support

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline
 Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline
Welcome to Switchboard, a place for calm words when you need them most. We’re here to help you with whatever you want to talk about. We understand how anxious you might feel before you pick up the phone.
0800 0119 100 | 10am-10pm every day
LLGS PO Box 7324, London N1 9QS

LGBT Foundation
LGBT Foundation
We all need information and support from a friend in the know and LGBT Foundation’s Helpline Service provides thousands of hours of advice and support to thousands of people every year.
0300 330 0630 | 10am-10pm every day
LGBT Foundation, 5 Richmond Street, Manchester M1 3HF

The Proud Trust
The Proud Trust
The Proud Trust
Based in Manchester, helps LGBT+ young people (13 years to 25 years) empower themselves, to make a positive change for themselves and their communities. Youth groups, coordinating national and regional LGBT+ youth work networks, managing the LGBT+ Centre for Manchester, delivering of training, running events and campaigns, undertaking research and creating resources.

Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLG)
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLG)
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG) is a national voluntary organisation dedicated to supporting parents and their lesbian, gay and bisexual daughters and sons.
0845 652 0311 | FFLAG, PO Box 495, Little Stoke, Bristol, BS34 9AP

Albert Kennedy Trust
  Albert Kennedy Trust
Supports up to the age of 25, who are (or think you might be) lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or intersex, homeless, sofa-surfing or living in crisis and/ or living in a violent, hostile or abusive home.
For more click here

Childline
Child Line
Private and confidential service for children and young people up to the age of 19. You can contact a ChildLine counsellor about anything – no problem is too big or too small. Call them free, have a 1-2-1 chat online or send an email. Go to their website for more.
0800 1111 | Always open

Groups (London)
Groups for people questioning their sexuality, coming out, support, and gay youth groups have all but disappeared in London these days. A sign of the times, a lack of funding or maybe men don’t want or need them any more.

LGBT books and literature

There is an ever-growing library of books and other literature about coming out, being gay and/ or being on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. We can barely scratch the surface here is a selection:

Don’t forget to support your local independent LGBT+ book store

LGBT+ Books for children and young adults

LGBT+ Helplines

Perhaps it’s the first time you have called a helpline so it’s perfectly normal if you are feeling nervous. Helplines are there for YOU. They are not there to judge, and you can start and end the call when you want. Making a call is a first step forward.

Helplines are there to listen, and you can get support without travelling or having an appointment. You don’t have to give your name, and most helplines are free or the cost of a local call.

People call for different reasons:

• Feeling overwhelmed or confused
• Feeling isolated or lonely
• Feeling unsafe (thoughts of suicide or self-harm)
• Relationship, boyfriend, friendship or family problems
• Health or mental problems or concerns
• Signposting to services
• Experiencing violence or abuse but if you are in immediate danger call 999
• Bullying (which doesn’t just happen at school)

Switchboard LGBT+
A safe space for anyone to discuss anything, including sexuality, gender identity, sexual health and emotional wellbeing. Supports people to explore the right options for themselves.
0800 0119 100
Switchboard LGBT+

  “45” | Three Flying Piglets | 2019 | 1m

LGBT Helpline Scotland
Works to improve the health, wellbeing and equality of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people in Scotland. Provides support services, social events and develop resources so LGBT people can address the health issues that impact their lives and connect with their local communities.
0300 123 2523
LGBT Health and Wellbeing Scotland

LGBT Ireland
Listens in confidence and without judgement, seven days a week. You can talk by phone or online through its instant messaging service or by coming along to one of its peer support groups.
1890 929 539
Transgender Family Support Line 01 907 3707
LGBT Ireland

Samaritans
Day or night, there for anyone who’s struggling to cope, who needs someone to listen without judgement or pressure. Gives people ways to cope and the skills to be there for others. Offers listening and support to people and communities in times of need.
116 123
 Samaritans

Domestic violence and abuse support
0800 999 5428 National Helpline for LGBT+ Victims and Survivors of Abuse and Violence | GALOP
0808 801 0327 | Men’s Advice Line
01273 622828 | Sussex and Brighton | Rise UK

Albert Kennedy Trust
Supports LGBTQ+ young people aged 16-25 in the UK who are facing or experiencing homelessness or living in a hostile environment. Also supports young people into safe homes and employment, education or training, in a welcoming and open environment that celebrates LGBTQ+ identities.
London: 020 7831 6562 | 020 7405 6929
Manchester: 0161 228 3308
Newcastle: 0191 281 0099
Albert Kennedy Trust

LGBT Foundation
Supports the needs of the diverse range of people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans. Nationally recognised charity firmly rooted in our local communities of Greater Manchester and provide a wide range of evidence-based and cost effective services.
0345 330 3030
LGBT Foundation

Positively UK
Provides peer-led support, advocacy and information to everyone living with HIV to effectively manage any aspect of their diagnosis, care and life with HIV.
020 7713 0444
Positively UK
Email

Plus Health
Online peer support is a confidential FREE service available to anyone over the age of 16 living with or affected by HIV. The service is available across the UK and to British nationals living or working outside the UK.
Living with HIV peer support | Plus Health

Telefriending for LGBT+ people (London)
Telephone befriending service is for LGBT+ people aged over 50 who would like to receive a weekly phone call. Telefriending is a free telephone befriending service where one of our lovely volunteers will call you around the same time each week for a chat of up to 30-minutes. The person who calls you each week will always be the same telefriending volunteer.
Telefriending | Opening Doors London
020 7239 0400
Email 

The Intercom Trust (South West)
Lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans+ charity working across Cornwall, Devon, Dorset and the wider South West. Services include help and support, advocacy, counselling, support groups.
0800 612 3010
The Intercom Trust

Crisis Text Helpline
Provides free, confidential support, 24/7 via text. It’s the first free 24/7 texting service in the UK for anyone in crisis anytime, anywhere. Shout is available in England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Every texter is connected with a real-life human being trained to bring people from a hot moment to a cool calm place through active listening and collaborative problem-solving.
Text SHOUT to 85258
Crisis Text Line

Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLG)
National voluntary organisation dedicated to supporting parents and families and their LGBT+ members. Offers support to local parents groups and contacts in their efforts to help parents and families understand, accept and support their lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender members with love and pride. FFLAG members are parents of lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans children supported by other volunteers.
0845 652 0311
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays 

House of Rainbow (HOR)
Fosters relationships among black, asian, minority ethnic (BAME), lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, Queer (LGBTIQ+) individuals, people of faith and allies in order to create a safer and a more inclusive community. During this COVID-19 crisis, many MSM living with HIV are increasingly feeling isolated. Please DM privately to join its peer support community “Positively MSM” of Black African Men who love men living with HIV.
House of Rainbow
House of Rainbow
07507 510357

MindLine Trans+
Mental health support helpline for people who identify as transgender, agender, gender fluid and non-binary.
0300 330 5468 | Friday evenings only
MindLine Trans+

LGBT+ Organisations

To make navigation a little easier, we have tried to separate out helplines (listed above) and organisations providing other services such as information, peer support and chat.

Some overlap, but we’ve done our best. And please let us know if there are any organisations we should include.

London Friend
Supports the health and mental wellbeing of the LGBT community in and around London. Offers counselling and support around issues such as same-sex relationships, sexual and gender identity and promoting personal growth and self-confidence. Social groups provide a safe space to meet and socialise as an alternative to the bar and club scene. Services are delivered by trained lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans volunteers.
London Friend
86 Caledonian Rd, London N1 9DN | Map 
020 7833 1674

London LGBTQ+ Community Centre
The London LGBTQ+ Community Centre is a safe, sober, intersectional community centre and café where all LGBTQ+ people are welcome, supported, can build connections and can flourish.
London LGBTQ+ Community Centre
60-62 Hopton Street, Blackfriars, London SE1 9JH | Map

Stonewall
Empowers LGBT people to be their authentic selves, enabling them to realise and achieve their full potential, and empowers LGBT people and allies to create positive change. Supports individuals to understand how they can make a difference for LGBT people at work, at home and in their communities.
Stonewall London  | 020 7593 1850 | Email
192 St John Street, London EC1V 4JY
Stonewall Scotland |  | 0131 474 8019 | Email
Stonewall Cymru  | 029 2023 7744 | Email
Stonewall Northern Ireland | Email

Gay Men’s Health Collective
Delivers three volunteer-led health and well-being projects: a health and wellbeing website, makes films on health issues and films for the wider LGBT+ community and produces safer chemsex packs. Hybrid working, some projects delivered remotely.
Gay Men’s Health Collective
61 Mansell Street, London E1 8AN | Registered Office
07791 867885

LGBT Hero
LGBT HERO aims to improve the health, enhance well-being, and champion the rights of LGBTQ+ people. It provides LGBTQ+ people with accurate and credible information so they can build skills that enable them to make informed choices about their health and wellbeing. It encourages LGBTQ+ people to create social change in their communities by providing a platform where they are heard and valued.
Health, Equality and Rights Organisation (HERO)
Unit 74, The Link, 49 Effra Rd, London SW2 1BZ | Map
020 7738 6872

Positively UK
Provides peer-led support, advocacy and information to everyone living with HIV to effectively manage any aspect of their diagnosis, care and life with HIV.
Positively UK
St Marks Studios 14 Chillingworth Road, Islington N7 8QJ | Map
020 7713 0444 | Email

Albert Kennedy Trust
Supports LGBTQ+ young people aged 16-25 in the UK who are facing or experiencing homelessness or living in a hostile environment. Also supports young people into safe homes and employment, education or training, in a welcoming and open environment that celebrates LGBTQ+ identities.

Albert Kenedy Trust, London
19 Parr Sreeet, London N1 7GW | Map
020 7831 6562 | Referrals

Albert Kenedy Trust, Manchester
50 Oak Street, Northern Quarter, Manchester M4 5JA | Map 
0161 228 3308 | Referrals

Albert Kenedy Trust, Newcastle
MEA House, Ellison Place, Newcastle upon Tyne NE1 8XS
0191 281 0099

LGBT Foundation
Supports the needs of the diverse range of people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans. Nationally recognised charity firmly rooted in our local communities of Greater Manchester and provide a wide range of evidence-based and cost-effective services.
LGBT Foundation
Postal Address: Fairbairn House (2nd Floor), 72 Sackville Street, Manchester, M1 3NJ
0345 330 3030

Plus Health
Online peer support is a confidential FREE service available to anyone over the age of 16 living with or affected by HIV. The service is available across the UK and to British nationals living or working outside the UK.
Living with HIV peer support | Plus Health
020 8749 3464

Domestic violence and abuse support
0800 999 5428 | National Helpline for LGBT+ Victims and Survivors of Abuse and Violence | GALOP
0808 801 0327 | Men’s Advice Line
01273 622828 | Sussex and Brighton | Rise UK
0808 1689111 | Victim Support

The Proud Trust
Based in Manchester, it helps LGBT+ young people (13 years to 25 years) empower themselves to make a positive change for themselves and their communities. Youth groups, coordinating national and regional LGBT+ youth work networks, managing the LGBT+ Centre for Manchester, delivering training, running events and campaigns, undertaking research and creating resources.
The Proud Trust
The Proud Trust

The Tribe
Peer-to-peer support group for individuals living as LGBT – lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning.
Peer-to-peer support group for individuals living as LGBT | The Tribe

SASH
Free, non-judgemental support to improve your sexual health, your relationships, and your mental health.
Hammersmith and Fulham, Kensington and Chelsea, and Westminster residents only
SASH
020 7851 2955
Email

Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLG)
National voluntary organisation dedicated to supporting parents and families and their LGBT+ members. Offers support to local parents groups and contacts in their efforts to help parents and families understand, accept and support their lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender members with love and pride. FFLAG members are parents of lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans children supported by other volunteers.
0845 652 0311
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays 

House of Rainbow (HOR)
Fosters relationships among black, asian, minority ethnic (BAME), lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, Queer (LGBTIQ+) individuals, people of faith and allies in order to create a safer and a more inclusive community. During this COVID-19 crisis, many MSM living with HIV are increasingly feeling isolated. Please DM privately to join House of Rainbow’s peer support community “Positively MSM” of Black African Men who love men living with HIV.
House of Rainbow
House of Rainbow
07507 510357

Covid-19 Mutual Aid UK
Covid-19 Mutual Aid UK is a group of volunteers supporting local community groups organising mutual aid throughout the Covid-19 outbreak in the UK. Focuses on providing resources and connecting people to their nearest local groups, willing volunteers and those in need. Coordinates care efforts for people who are self-isolating, especially if they are part of a more at risk demographic including the elderly, disabled and people with other pre-existing health issues. 
COVID-19 ​Mutual Aid UK

It Gets Better Project
The It Gets Better Project exists to uplift, empower, and connect LGBTQ+ youth around the globe. Growing up isn’t easy, especially when you are trying to affirm and assert your sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can be a challenging and isolating process – but, the good news is, no one has to do it alone.
It Gets Better Project

Sexpression:UK
Committed to creating a world where all young people have access to accurate and empowering RSHE, enabling them to make informed choices and lead healthy lives. Sexpression delivers teaching to 11-18-year olds in schools and community groups providing informative, open and engaging relationships, sex and health education. Although originally founded by a group of medical students at University College London, Sexpression:UK has since expanded to train volunteers from all university courses, in order to capture the diverse perspectives that these students can offer.
Sexpression:UK | 11-18yrs/ students
What is Sexpression:UK | 30s

Plus Importance
The Plus Importance Project aims to create a world where those who identify fully or partly in the + of LGBT+ experience equal rights, respect and representation. As people in the +, we frequently experience erasure, where we are ignored, forgotten about and disregarded. Our identities are valid and should be recognised, understood and celebrated.
Plus Importance 

Other organisations we have found along the way …

MENRUS.CO.UK
Feel free to browse though we have listed some key topics linked to other parts of the website.
 Domestic violence and abuse | MEN R US
 Housing and homelessness | MEN R US
 Accident and emergency hospitals (London) | MEN R US
 Drug, alcohol and chemsex support | MEN R US
 Sexual health services  | MEN R US
 Safer chemsex | MEN R US

LGBT Forums, groups and networks

Many towns, cities and authorities have some kind of group supporting LGBT people. Few are staffed, and volunteers are their lifeblood, working tirelessly to raise LGBT issues and create a positive presence locally. If you can’t find a local presence, Meet Up may surprise you.

In Greater London, for instance, boroughs are supposed to have an LGBT Forum, a recommendation in the Lawrence Inquiry. The original idea of a Forum was to act as a community liaison with the police to ensure adequate service provision and a breakdown of barriers to the reporting of hate crime.

Regularly updated, please contact us if you know of any groups or organisations not listed here.

Barking and Dagenham
LGBT Network Barking and Dagenham

Barnet
Barnet LGBT
Barnet Friends LGBTI

Bexley
Haven LGBTQ Social Group

Brent
North West London LGBT Best fit, does not appear to have a Forum
Outwest No activity on Facebook page since December 2013

Bromley
Bromley LGBT

Camden
Forum+ (previously Camden LGBT Forum)
Queering Camden
Queering Camden is a living, community-made mapping project of queerness in all its forms across Camden. “This project welcomes submissions from all people who identify as LGBTQ+ who have lived, worked, or simply travelled through Camden. The stories may occur in the past, the present, or the future. We invite responses in text, audio, image, and video forms. These submissions will be shared on the website, on social media, and later as part of a larger digital exhibition.”

City of London
London LGBTQ+ Community Centre

Croydon
LGBT Croydon

Ealing
North West London LGBT Best fit, does not appear to have a Forum

Enfield
LGBT-QA of Enfield CT

Greenwich
No information. Do you know of anything?

Hackney
Rainbow Hackney LGBT Forum

Hammersmith and Fulham
No information. Do you know of anything?

Haringey
Wise Thoughts

Harrow
North West London LGBT Best fit, does not appear to have a Forum

Havering
No information. Do you know of anything?

Hillingdon
Hillingdon LGBT Forum

Hounslow

Islington
See Camden

Kensington and Chelsea
No presence. Do you know of anything?

Kingston upon Thames
Kingston LGBT Forum

Lambeth
Lambeth Links

Lewisham
Lewisham LGBT+ Group

Merton
Merton LGBT Forum

Newham
 Queer Newham
East London LGBT Seniors

Redbridge
Redbridge Rainbow Community

Richmond upon Thames
Richmond upon Thames LGBT Forum

Southwark
Southwark LGBT Network

Sutton
Sutton LGBTQ+

Tower Hamlets
Tower Hamlets LGBT Community Forum

Waltham Forest
Waltham Forest LGBT Life

Wandsworth
Wandsworth LGBT Forum

Westminster
Westminster LGBT Forum

North West London LGBT
North West London LGBT

The London LGBT+ Forums Network

The London LGBT+ Forums Network is a collection of individual LGBTQ+ forums, Pride and Borough-based community groups from across Greater London.

They exist to tackle issues of inequality within the public services and to be a voice for their members and LGBTQ+ residents. The Network’s mission is to bring all the existing London LGBTQ+ forums together to stimulate debate, share information and discuss issues of mutual interest to London’s LGBTQ+ communities. The Network has the full support of The Mayor of London and the Greater London Authority.

Trans, non binary, gender diverse

Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic LGBT+ Organisations

AZ Magazine
Online space that allows LGBT+ people of colour to showcase their talents and to address the issues that are faced in the BME community. This space is a direct response to the lack of alcohol-free, daytime spaces for LGBT+ people of colour in London. Organises monthly AZ Hub events which are a social space for workshops, screenings, art display, discussion, performance and information sharing.
AZ Magazine
AZ Magazine
AZ Magazine

Bisi Almi Foundation (BAF)
Charity aiming to work towards a Nigeria where everyone is equal irrespective of sexual orientation or gender identity. Work includes research, training, stakeholder engagement, working with heads of multinational companies in Nigeria, fellowships for journalists and lawyers and its Rainbow Academy: capacity training programme for LGBT people in Nigeria.
Bisi Almi Foundation 
Bisi Almi Foundation
Bisi Almi Foundation

Bi’s of Colour
A blog. No further information or bio.
Bi’s Of Colour

Blackout UK
Not-for-profit social enterprise run and owned by a volunteer collective of black gay men. Created to recognise the need for black queer men to have a space to “think, shout, show off, curse, celebrate, laugh, reflect and share. Our own space to hear and be heard.” Encourages and stimulates debate and discussion online and face-to-face through the website including writer workshops, networking events, and supporting interventions to meet the needs of black queer men.
BlackOut UK
BlackOut UK
BlackOut UK

Colours @ Gendered Intelligence
Youth group for black, Asian and ethnic minority (BAME) 13-25-year-olds in London run by Gendered Intelligence. A safe space for BAME young people, with disabilities, with religious beliefs who are trans men, trans women, gender non-conforming or non-binary. Explicitly welcomes and invite mixed-heritage people. Wheelchair accessible venue (the Roundhouse, Camden). “It’s okay if you don’t feel black enough, or Asian enough, we welcome all BAME young people who are unsure or questioning their gender, or just looking to meet like-minded people.”
Gendered Intelligence
Colours Gendered

DesiQ
South Asian LGBTQIA+ London/ South East is for people of South Asian origin who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, trans, intersex, non-binary, questioning/unsure and queer. Intersectional, radical and a proud community, a safe space to explore identities, share stories celebrate, organise, build connections and be heard.
DesiQ

Gaysians
An alliance of charities, support groups, meet-ups, activists and leading voices within our community. Joined forces to improve access to resources and services to those that seek it, as well as to elevate its collective voice in mainstream media. Connects organisations and people to create a safe space for its community, discover resources and build friendships.
Gaysians
Gaysians

Hidayah
A volunteer-led and registered charity, Hidayah is a secular organisation, however, its projects and activities are developed specifically for the needs of LGBTQI+ Muslims. Its vision is to ensure that the voices of LGBTQI+ Muslims are heard and understood. Its mission is to provide support and welfare for LGBTQI+ Muslims and promote social justice and education about the Muslim LGBTQI+ community to counter discrimination, prejudice and injustice.
Hidayah
Hidayah
Hidayah

House of Rainbow (HOR)
Fosters relationships among Black, Asian, minority ethnic (BAME), lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, Queer (LGBTIQ+) individuals, people of faith and allies in order to create a safer and more inclusive community. During this COVID-19 crisis, many MSM living with HIV are increasingly feeling isolated. Please DM (direct message) privately to join House of Rainbow’s peer support community “Positively MSM” of Black African Men who love men living with HIV.
House of Rainbow
House of Rainbow 
House of Rainbow

Inclusive Mosque Initiative
Intersectional feminist mosque and registered charity dedicated to creating inclusive, safer places for marginalised Muslims. It is not proselytising (attempt to convert someone) and does not seek to convert non-Muslims to Islam. Its work is aimed primarily at Muslims and welcomes all people of any faith or none. All its events are inclusive of LGBT+ Muslims and it encourages people to attend with their families including their chosen families.
Inclusive Mosque Initiative

Imaan
A charity that supports LGBTQI Muslims. Founded in London in 1999, it campaigns to ensure that no LGBTQI Muslim person in Britain feels excluded from their family, their faith or their communities. Imaan is a small, volunteer-led charity, led by and working for LGBTQI Muslims. Aims to represent the breadth of the Islamic faith and the range of identities and narratives of the LGBTQ community and our allies.
Imaan
Imaan
Imaan

NAZ
Provides a range of sexual health services and programmes, specifically for men and women from Black Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) communities. Helps newly diagnosed people understand and manage their condition with confidence. NAZ was formed by the late HIV and gay rights activist, Shivananda Khan. Shivananda understood that support for ethnic minorities like Nazir would need to be culturally specific, driven from within the community, with knowledge of policy, race, culture, religion and sexuality.
NAZ
NAZ
NAZ

Naz and Matt Foundation
Set up in 2014 following the sad loss of Matt’s fiancé, Naz who took his own life two days after his deeply religious family confronted him about his sexuality. Empowers and supports LGBTQI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, and Intersex) individuals, their friends and family to work towards resolving challenges linked to sexuality or gender identity, particularly where religion is heavily influencing the situation. Tackles homophobia triggered by religion to help parents accept their children.
Naz and Matt Foundation
Naz and Matt Foundation
Naz and Matt Foundation

Purple Rain Collective
A collective space for BAME LGBTQ & QTIPOC in the UK to mobilise, converse on experiences and develop strategies for safety, resistance and liberation. A space of community-building ‘in a world where individualism is often sold to us at the expense of our own wellbeing, pausing to gather with each other; even just for a cup of tea, can be the most radical thing.’ A space where as BAME LGBT identifying people & QTIPOC, are choosing, every day, to come together and be there for each other despite the fractures and frictions that have been inflicted on our communities. Resistance and liberation.
Purple Rain Collective

Out and Proud African LGBTI (OPAL) 
OPAL is an African Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Intersex rights and human rights activist charity. Our mission is to defend human dignity, freedom, justice and equality for LGBTI people in Africa
OPAL
OPAL

Queer Asia
Queer Asia is a network of queer-identifying scholars, academics, activists, artists, and performers. A platform for Inter-Asia collaboration, dialogue, and research on issues affecting people who self-identify as LGBTQ+ or belong to other non-normative sexualities and gender identities in Asia or Asian diasporas and beyond.
Queer Asia
Queer Asia
Queer Asia

Sarbat LGBT Sikhs
Sarbat is a volunteer-led group addressing LGBT issues from a Sikh perspective. Empowers members to encourage discussions, tackle homophobia/ biphobia/ transphobia and build bridges within and beyond their communities. Aims to move the conversation forward about issues faced by LGBT Sikhs, create and continually develop spaces where LGBT Sikhs meet each other and find support, and develop and provide useful resources about the Sikh perspective on LGBT issues not only for our community but those outside it.
Sarbat LGBT Sikhs
Sarbat LGBT Sikhs
Sarbat LGBT Sikhs

Spectra (London)
Offer services to support the sexual health and wellbeing of marginalised communities, including men who have sex with men (MSM) trans and non-binary people, and Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic communities.
Spectra
Spectra
Spectra

UK Black Pride
Europe’s largest celebration for LGBTQ people of African, Asian, Caribbean, Middle Eastern and Latin American descent. Annual celebration during pride month, as well as a variety of activities throughout the year in and around the UK, which also promote and advocate for the spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health and wellbeing of the communities it represents. A safe space to celebrate diverse sexualities, gender identities, cultures, gender expressions and backgrounds. Represents and celebrates Black LGBTQ and QTIPOC culture through education, the arts, cultural events and advocacy.  Importantly, UK Black Pride promotes unity and cooperation among LGBTQ people of diasporic communities in the UK, as well as their friends and families.
UK Black Pride
UK Black Pride
UK Black Pride
UK Black Pride | MEN R US

Black Thrive
We are building a network of Black-led community organisations and leaders across the areas we work in that have articulated the changes in systems conditions that will enable Black people to thrive.
Black Thrive 

Wolves in the City
Wolves in the City is a podcast for black men who are exploring their sexuality in the city. Hosted by Youtube Presenter Lee Gray, Grime Artist Karnage Kills and DJ Jay Jay Revlon. This podcast is not suitable for the workplace. You have been warned.
Wolves in the City | Podcast | Lee Gray, Karnage Kills and Jay Jay Revlon

Kaleidoscope Trust
Established in 2011, Kaleidoscope Trust works to uphold the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT+) people in countries around the world where they are discriminated against or marginalised due to their sexual orientation, gender identity and/or gender expression. Connects LGBT+ activists from the Global South, builds intersectional civil society movements across regions in the Global South; cchallenges societal stigma by working with LGBT+ activists across five cities in Africa to address the challenges facing their communities; and co-chairs the Equal Rights Coalition, an inter-governmental body that brings together 42 member states and more 120 civil society organisations.
Kaleidoscope Trust

Related internal links to other parts of this website

Gay's the Word

While you may instinctively reach for Amazon or Waterstones, we urge you to visit your local bookshop instead. For those of you visiting or if you live in London Gay’s the Word bookshop is a must go to destination. Two minutes walk from Russell Square tube station, it’s is the only specifically lesbian and gay book store in the UK. And here’s your map. It recently appeared as a primary location in the film Pride which, BTW, we thought was rather good. Gay’s the Word is also on Facebook with books, events and news.

When the shop was founded in 1979, gay books were not generally available in ordinary bookstores. From the beginning, the bookshop was used as a community and information resource for lesbians and gay men providing information on gay organisations and forthcoming events.

Homage | Three Flying Piglets
Made by GMHC volunteers, a fond homage to Gay’s the Word which marks its 40th Anniversary in January 2019.

Searching for services

For some, this section may seem patronising, stating the obvious, but we believe there are others who find some of the tips and tricks we use helpful.

Whether an LGBT specific or mainstream service, finding the right help and support you need at the best of times can be frustrating and time-consuming. It’s one of the reasons why MEN R US was built in the first place. Services are not universally available or accessible – often more difficult to find outside larger towns and cities.

Throw COVID-19 into the mix and it’s another layer to get through as services have moved online or closed temporarily.

Searching online

Insert the following into the search browser:

• the nearest town or city followed by
• the words LGBT or gay and/ or HIV followed by
• the words support or service and/ or peer support

For example, Norwich gay support or Chester LGBT peer support

MEN R US volunteers have been tracking down services for years and, even today, we are surprised what these keyword combos results find. Also …

• Contacting an HIV or LGBT+ organisation in your region or area can be a good place to start. While they may not be able to help you specifically they usually know what’s going on locally
• An LGBT helpline may be able to signpost, like LGBT+ Switchboard
• Feel free to email us. This link takes you to our contact page

Housing

Whether we’re looking for a pad, bijou flat, or a house share, most of us want a place we can call our own. It‘s where we eat, sleep, relax, invite friends and have sex so, in many ways, it’s the cornerstone of our lives. Even if we can find a place to live, the housing crisis (the responsibility of successive governments) often makes this both complicated and expensive. For many, rents are crazy expensive and getting on to the property ladder out of reach in the 21st century. 

Sofa surfing and sleeping rough continues to rise, as is homelessness as a consequence of problematic drug use. We are more likely to be victims of violence and sexual exploitation, bullying, discrimination and drug use. We are also more likely to experience higher rates of physical and mental health issues, suicidality, and suicide attempts compared to our heterosexual counterparts. Not something any of us wants to hear but for many this is the landscape today. While welcome though way overdue, a recent government report “Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people’s experiences of homelessness” at least confirms this and what we already know.

When we’re younger, we tend to move around but we still need a base but, as we get older, many of us want a permanent home. However, some of us are forced to leave the family home or find ourselves in vulnerable and/ or dangerous situations which is why LGBT+ organisations like the Albert Kennedy Trust and Stonewall Housing are needed today more than ever.

In this housing sction, we’ve pulled together details of specialist organisations who should be able to help if/ when you need it, housing departments by London Borough and some tips if you’re looking to rent.  An option for some is shared ownership, a part-buy, part-rent scheme that give first-time buyers an opportunity to own a share in a new build or re-sale property. 

Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to become homeless?

This seemingly straightforward question is not easy to answer. We do not have good data on who experiences homelessness with the exception of data about people going to their council for help with their housing problems. This challenge emerges because of the difficulty of tracking a population who are not associated with a particular location or address – a key way of identifying individuals in many government datasets, from the census on down. Statisticians are, of course, well aware of these challenges, and adjustments are made to large datasets like the census to ensure that they provide a more accurate count of the homeless population – but while these approaches enable headline figures to be more accurate, they reduce the resolution when we want to know anything specific – like a online map that goes blurry as we zoom in on an unphotographed area.

Sexuality, gender identity and homelessness | Centre for Homelessness Impact | 2022

I need help now

If you’re in immediate danger ALWAYS call the police
999 | Met Police (London)

National LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline
0300 999 5428/ 0800 999 5428 | GALOP

Trouble with drugs and the law
020 7324 2989 | Release

LGBT Switchboard
0800 0119 100 | LGBT Switchboard

Samaritans
116 123 | Samaritans

Next Meal (food and support 24/7 in London)
Next Meal | Next Meal

StreetLink
Concerned about someone sleeping rough? Get in touch so that we can help connect them to local services. Visit www.streetlink.org.uk or call 0300 500 0914 to send an alert. Please note we cannot take referrals via social media.
StreetLink

If you are HOMELESS
Contact your local council. If you are calling out of office hours, use the emergency contact number on your council’s website. If there is no emergency service, contact your neighbouring council.

If you need a bed for the night
020 7278 4224 | Alone in London

If you are concerned about someone sleeping rough
If you are concerned about someone sleeping rough in England or Wales, you can use this website to send an alert to StreetLink. The details you provide are sent to the local authority or outreach service for the area in which you have seen the person, to help them find the individual and connect them to support.

LGBT housing advice and support
020 7359 5767 | Stonewall Housing
Supports up to the age of 25 | Albert Kennedy Trust
London: 020 7831 6562
Manchester: 0161 228 3308
Newcastle: 0191 281 0099

Housing advice and support
0808 800 4444 | Shelter
03444 111 444 | Citizens Advice Bureau

LGBTI asylum seekers and refugees
https://microrainbow.org
Helpline for LGBTI asylum seekers and refugees | Micro Rainbow
020 3559 6490 | Wednesdays, 14:30 – 18:30
Information and referral service that provides LGBTI asylum seekers and refugees with information on housing or homelessness issues, social inclusion and moving on support for refugees.

Housing by London Borough

Here is a list of housing departments by London Borough where you should find information if you are homeless, at risk of being homeless, or sofa surfing.

Sofa surfing

Sofa surfing with friends, acquaintances, or even strangers can be an only choice/ essential short-term solution but can be risky, especially for LGBT+ individuals and those in vulnerable situations.

Providing guidance like this is relatively easy but none of this is easy for you, especially if you are always tired, always vigilant, always fighting for a little space that you can call your own – even if it’s temporary. It becomes especially difficult when you need to think clearly when you might be confused, anxious or easily agitated, or problematic drug use or addiction is in play.

Safety

• Stay with people you trust – choose friends, family, or acquaintances where possible
• Know your exit plan – always have a backup plan if the situation becomes unsafe
• Avoid staying with strangers alone – try and research the host and arrange to meet in a public place first

Essentials

• Have a ‘Go Bag’ ready – pack essentials like ID, phone, charger, money, medication, and important documents
• Keep valuables with you – avoid leaving personal items unattended and/ or in unfamiliar places
• Store emergency contacts in your phone – have trusted people’s numbers written down in case your phone dies

Boundaries

• Communicate clearly – be upfront about how long you need to stay and what you’re comfortable with
• Avoid pressure or unsafe situations – if a host expects sex, drugs, or unpaid work in exchange for a place to stay, leave if you feel uncomfortable
• Trust your gut – if something feels wrong, don’t ignore your instincts

Sexploitation

• Sexploitation occurs when drugs are used to manipulate, control, or exploit individuals sexually, often in ways they did not or could not fully consent to. In relation to this content, this can include being exploited for housing, drugs, or money in exchange for sex but also includes being pressured into sex under the influence of drugs; sexual coercion or non-consensual filming while intoxicated or unconscious; and violence, sexual assault, or group sex scenes where individuals are abused while incapacitated.

Manage your health and well-being

• Maintain hygiene where possible – carry basic toiletries and fresh clothes
• Stay on top of medications – if you’re on PrEP, HIV medication, or any regular prescriptions, keep them accessible
• Get rest when you can – sofa surfing can be exhausting, so take opportunities to sleep safely

Stay connected

• Tell someone where you are – even if you’re moving between places, check in with a friend or support worker
• Use LGBT+ or housing charities – organisations like Stonewall Housing, Crisis, and Shelter UK offer guidance and emergency help
• Locate local drop-in centres – places like LGBT+ support centers, night shelters, or food banks can provide resources if needed

Plan for change

• Look for stable housing options – consider emergency hostels, shared housing schemes, or council housing assistance
• Check eligibility for housing benefits – in the UK, you may be entitled to Universal Credit, housing benefits, or LGBT+ housing support services
• Seek employment or financial support – if work is a challenge, charities can help with grants, job applications, and legal advice

Flat hunting tips

Flat hunting tips from our own experiences:

• Try to be honest with yourself about a) where you want to live, b) who you want to live with, and c) why
• When looking at a property, go with a friend and get a second opinion … making sure your friend is sensible!
• When looking, don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s going to be your home
• If you’re seeing more than one place, it can be easier to compare them if you devise a check-up list for each property
• When you think you’ve found ‘the place’, check it out at different times of the day/ week

• Can you honestly afford the rent? Make a complete budget of all your income and outgoings
• Find out precisely what you have to pay on top of the rent and if the bills are shared, etc
• Almost without exception, you are responsible for a TV licence. If you get caught, the fines can be heavy!
• Landlords require references and deposits. Try and arrange this before you start looking

• If you have ANY doubts, concerns or queries, get professional advice BEFORE you agree to or sign anything
• Make sure you understand the terms you agree under which you hand over the deposit, and get it back when you leave
• Read all contracts and agreements carefully – including the weeny small print
• Get written receipts for all transactions
• Keep notes and write stuff down

• Think very carefully before moving in with an ex, sleeping with the landlord, sleeping with a flatmate or the partner of a flatmate or the best friend of a flatmate (you get where this is going)

Housing news and articles

Stonewall Housing

Supports thousands of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and queer (LGBTQ+) people in the UK every year.

All of its services are free and confidential. If you’re LGBTQ+, facing or experiencing homelessness, or living in an unsafe home, please reach out to them today.

Helpline

Advice services

Stonewall Housing gives advice about different housing-related issues to hundreds of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT+) people every year. It understands what you, or your friends, might be experiencing. So if you need advice, contact them. You can phone them, or you can come along to one of their drop-in surgeries. Some of the housing issues include:

• if you’re homeless or at risk of becoming homeless
• if your relationship with your family has broken down because of your sexual orientation or gender identity
• if you’ve been victimised or harassed
• if you need to escape from domestic abuse
• if you need advice about a dispute with your landlord
• if you need advice with your housing benefits

Downloads and fact sheets

Stonewall Housing has a range of downloads and fact sheets.

Office

The Outside Project

The Outside Project is a homeless/ crisis shelter and community centre in response to those within the LGBTIQ+ community who feel endangered, who are homeless, ‘hidden’ homeless and feel that they are on the outside of services due to historical and present prejudice in society and in their homes. The project is comprised of LGBTIQ+ colleagues, friends and activists who work in the homeless sector and have lived experiences of homelessness and the unique, complex issues the community faces.

The LGBTIQ+ Centre is The Outside Project main HQ. We hold open and private meetings, groups and activities. It is home to multiple LGBTIQ+ and Homelessness grassroots groups that we work alongside or support to develop on a ‘PWYC’ basis. Please see the noticeboard for upcoming events and timetable below on regular weekly groups.

Online referral form

This link takes you to the Stonewall Housing website with whom the Outside Project work closely.

Albert Kennedy Trust

Supports up to the age of 25, who are (or think you might be) lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or intersex, homeless, sofa-surfing or living in crisis and/ or living in a violent, hostile or abusive home.

Albert Kennedy Trust is the national LGBT youth homelessness charity; focused on prevention and early action. It provides safe homes, mentoring, training, advocacy and support to young people who are homeless or living in a hostile environment after coming out to their parents, caregivers and peers.

Offices in London, Manchester and Newcastle which are staffed from 10am – 4.30pm, Monday – Friday

London
48 The Chocolate Studios, 7 Sheperdess Place, London N1 7LJ
020 7831 6562
Albert Kennedy Trust

Manchester
5 Oak Street, Northern Quarter, Manchester M4 5JD
0161 228 3308
Albert Kennedy Trust

Newcastle
 1 Osborne Road, Jesmond, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE2 2AA
0191 281 0099
Albert Kennedy Trust

Citizens Advice

Citizens Advice aims to provide the advice people need for the problems they face and improve the policies and practices that affect people’s lives. It provides free, independent, confidential and impartial advice to everyone on their rights and responsibilities. Citizens Advice values diversity promotes equality and challenges discrimination.

Housing issues always arise, and therefore, you need to know your rights and responsibilities. You could also be threatened with eviction if you can’t cope with your mortgage payments. With these links to Citizens Advice pages, you can find information about how to go about renting or buying a home or just finding somewhere to live. You can also find advice on handling problems with your landlord and help to avoid losing your home.

Shelter

Shelter advice and support services across the UK give people one-to-one, personalised help with all of their housing issues. Its free emergency helpline is open 365 days a year and is often the first port of call for people facing a housing crisis.

You can find expert information about everything from reclaiming your deposit to applying as homeless, and you can talk to an adviser over webchat. Its solicitors provide free legal advice and attend court to help people who’ve lost their homes or are facing eviction.

Helpline
Helpline |  0808 800 4444
Weekdays: 8am – 8pm | Weekends: 9am – 5pm. Open every day of the year.

Emergency helpline

If your situation is urgent you could call our emergency helpline if:

• You have nowhere to sleep, or might be homeless soon
• You have somewhere to sleep, but nowhere to call home
• You are/could be at risk of harm
• You feel very overwhelmed about your housing situation

This helpline gets busy, but you may be able to get emergency support from a housing adviser sooner.

Chat
Chat
9am-5pm, Monday to Friday

Find local services
Find local services

Shelter Youtube channel
Help with housing problems and housing advice
Shelter YouTube channel | Shelter

Information and advice on housing

Nightstop

Nightstop provides free overnight accommodation in the home of a volunteer. You get a private room, a hot meal and access to washing and laundry facilities. You can use the service for up to 3 weeks and may be housed with the same host or different hosts. Nightstop is for young people aged 16 to 25, who’ve become homeless suddenly and need a place to stay because, for example:

• you’ve been kicked out of your home
• you’ve fallen out with a family member and are unable to stay with them
• you’re fleeing domestic abuse

Different nightstop schemes have different rules about who they’ll accept. For example, some will only accept applicants who don’t have a history of violent or anti-social behaviour, a drug or alcohol problem or a health problem they can’t support.

The first Nightstop opened in 1987 in Leeds and there is now a network of 33 Nightstops around the UK.

ACORN

Founded in Bristol in 2014, ACORN is a mass membership organisation and network of low-income people organising for a fairer deal for our communities.

“ACORN members believe we deserve good housing, good jobs, and good public services. We believe a better country is possible if we unite together. Alone our problems seem insurmountable, but together, we share the burden on thousands of shoulders – and together, we can win.”

ACORN members pledge:

• To organise and mobilise low and middle-income working-class constituencies to secure the essentials of a dignified and comfortable life by strengthening our communities and building networks of the working class
• To practice democracy as an organising principle. Led by our members, we will take control of our lives, our communities, and of our own human potential. We insist on the right to identify the problems facing us and to decide on our own solutions
• To combine and coordinate our activities across and outside our organisation, building social movements to best pursue our mission
• To provide education for our membership and wider constituency to increase our capacity, strengthen our solidarity, and build the power we need to win
• To collectively fund and resource our work through membership dues to maximise our independence, sustainability & fighting potential
• To use direct action to develop our power and take back what is ours

Membership rates range on a sliding scale from £8/ month (standard) and £3/month (special).

Proud ‘N’ Diverse, Leeds

Formed in 2014 and based in Leeds City Centre, a group of individuals shared a common interest, they were brought together due to the lack of support services available in Leeds, from this the 3 individuals in the group decided to unite together, where we formed Proud ‘N’ Diverse.

Introduction

Constantly evolving, here is our A to Z of LGBT+ glossary and terms. No single glossary can include everything, and people will understand them differently depending on their lived experience. 

Saying the wrong thing
Even if you are LGBT+, talking about LGBT+ issues can be bewildering, especially if you think you may say the wrong thing. Hopefully, this glossary will give you and others more confidence and better understanding, whether in conversation or reading.

People change
Over time, identities can change and be fluid as people recognise and understand new things about themselves. This means words used at one point in their lives may change later, and that’s OK. Everyone has the right to self-identify and may have differing relationships with the words they use. Be mindful, listen out, and respect a person’s self-identified terminology. Ask what it means if you hear a word or term you don’t recognise or feel someone is using it in a new way.

Not reinventing the wheel
Rather than reinvent the wheel we have pulled together definitions from several sources, also including links to some of these words and terms used elsewhere on the website. The primary sources are

• Stonewall UK (Glossary of terms)
• Purple Rain Collective UK (Glossary)
• Johns Hopkins University, Homewood Student Affairs USA (LGBTQ Glossary)
• We Are Family USA (LGBTQI+ Glossary of Terms)
• Wikipedia

We recognise that the UK and USA use some words differently, or not at all.

Suggestions
Do you have suggestions of words you would like to see added?  Contact us here.

Outdated or offensive
We have included some words that have fallen out of use or may be regarded as offensive, but this is because they are still in use today – sometimes through ignorance, sometimes as a slur. These words include a warning symbol

A-B-C

Ace or ace spectrum

• “Ace is an umbrella term covering a range of asexual and aromantic identities. Within the ace community, some people feel a strong tie to asexual and aromantic communities and others who do not. Some ace people have romantic and/or sexual relationships, while others focus on other kinds of love and relationships.” | GALOP
• “The Asexual Spectrum or Asexual Umbrella is a group of sexual orientations that all fall under the umbrella term of asexual. People on the asexual spectrum may completely lack sexual attraction or feel it so little that they relate more to the asexual experience than to the allosexual experience. The common link between people on the asexual spectrum is that they don’t feel the “standard” amount of sexual attraction or they don’t feel it in the “standard” way, that allosexual people do. People on the asexual spectrum are often referred to as “ace-spec” for short. Ace-spec people can have any romantic orientation including aromantic.” | LGBT Wiki

Ally

• “A (typically) straight and/or cis person who supports members of the LGBT community.” | Stonewall
• “Ally (Heterosexual Ally, Straight Ally) – Someone who is a friend, advocate, and/or activist for LGBTQ people. A heterosexual ally is also someone who confronts heterosexism in themselves and others. The term ally is generally used for any member of a dominant group who is a friend, advocate or activist for people in an oppressed group (i.e. White Ally for People of Color).” | We Are Family
• “An ally is a person who confronts heterosexism, sexism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc., in themselves and others out of self-interest and a concern for the well-being of LGBTQ people, and who is committed to social justice and equal rights.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “An ally, straight ally, or heterosexual ally is a heterosexual and cisgender person who supports equal civil rights, gender equality, and LGBT social movements, challenging homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia. Not everyone who meets this definition identifies as an “ally”.” | Wikipedia

Androgyny/ Androgynous

• “Gender expression that falls somewhere in between masculinity and femininity, or perhaps on some other dimension all together.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Term used to describe an individual whose gender expression and/or identity may be neither distinctly “female” nor “male,” usually based on appearance.” | We Are Family
• “Combination of masculine and feminine characteristics into an ambiguous form. Androgyny may be expressed with regard to biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, or sexual identity.” | Wikipedia

Aromantic 

• Aromantic (or Aro) is a romantic orientation that describes experiencing little to no romantic attraction to any genders. Aromantic as an identity by itself means experiencing no romantic attraction however there is a spectrum of other (arospec) identities experiencing attraction under specific circumstances/differently to the norm. Common experiences of an aromantic person can include disinterest in romantic relationships, an only theoretical understanding of romantic attraction, or aversion to romance. | Aromantics Wiki
• Aromanticism or aromanticity is a romantic orientation in which a person does not experience romantic attraction, whether entirely, partially or circumstantially. They may not feel romantic love, and may not feel the need to be in romantic relationships. | Wikipedia

Asexuality/ Asexual

• “A sexual orientation generally characterized by not feeling sexual attraction or desire for partnered sexuality. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity. Some asexual people do have sex. There are many diverse ways of being asexual.” | We Are Family
• “Someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards other people, and who identifies as asexual. May still have romantic, emotional, affectional, or relational attractions to other people. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity. Some asexuals do have sex. There are many diverse ways of being asexual. Sometimes shortened as “ace.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof. It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.” | Wikipedia

Aceflux

Aceflux | LGBTQIA Fandom

Aegosexual

Aegosexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

Akoisexual

Akoisexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

Apothisexual

Apothisexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

Autosexual

Autosexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

Biphobia/ Biphobic

• “The fear or dislike of someone who identifies as bi based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about bi people. Biphobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, bi”.” | Stonewall
• “The fear, hatred, or intolerance of bisexual people.” | We Are Family
• “Fear or hatred of people who are bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or non-monosexual.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Biphobia is aversion toward bisexuality and bisexual people as individuals. It can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, or of negative stereotypes about people who are bisexual.” | Wikipedia

Bisexuality/ Bisexual/ Bi

• “Bi is an umbrella term used to describe a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards more than one gender. Bi people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, bisexual, pan, queer, and some other non-monosexual and non-monoromantic identities.” | Stonewall
• “An individual who is physically, romantically and/or emotionally attracted to men and women. Bisexuals need not have had sexual experience with both men and women; in fact, they need not have had any sexual experience at all to identify as bisexual.” | We Are Family
• “A person who is emotionally, romantically, sexually, affectionately, or relationally attracted to both men and women, or who identifies as a member of the bisexual community. Also referred to as “bi-affectionate” or “bi.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender.” | Wikipedia

Camp

• “It can be an attitude, a style or a behaviour, and it consists of several components – exaggeration, artificiality or theatricality, breaking social norms and silliness, which results in humour. If the effect is not intended to be funny, it is camp. If the effect is intentionally funny, then it is campy – a term more commonly used in the US than the UK.” |  A brief history of camp: from minority sensibility to political protest | The Conversation | 14 Jun 2023

Cisgender/ Cis

• “Someone whose gender identity is the same as the sex they were assigned at birth. Non-trans is also used by some people.” Stonewall
• “A person whose gender is the same or mostly the same as they were assigned at birth.” | The Proud Trust
• “A term used to describe people who, for the most part, identify as the gender they were assigned at birth.” | We Are Family
• “A term for individuals whose gender identity generally matches with that assigned for their physical sex. In other words, a person who does not identify as transgender. Derived from the Latin root “cis,” meaning “on the same side.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Cisgender (sometimes cissexual, often abbreviated to simply cis) is a term for people whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. For example, someone who identifies as a woman and was assigned female at birth is a cisgender woman.” | Wikipedia

Cissexism

• “Activist and scholar Julia Serano defines cissexism as “the belief or assumption that cis people’s gender identities, expressions, and embodiments are more natural and legitimate than those of trans people.” | Healthline
• “Cissexism classifies the assumption that everyone is or must be cisgender and the belief that cis people superior over transgender individuals, disregarding other gender modalities and discriminating genderqueer persons.” | Wikipedia

Cisnormativity 

• “An emphasis on people being “the norm” if their gender identity and assigned gender at birth match, and therefore having a valued position in society. This often highlights and reinforces expected and more traditional ways of presenting your gender too e.g. the expectation for women to present as “feminine” and men to present as “masculine”.” | The Proud Trust

Closeted

• “Describes a person who is not open about his or her sexual orientation.” | We Are Family  
• “Used as slang for the state of not publicizing one’s sexual/gender identity, keeping it private, living an outwardly heterosexual/cisgender life while identifying as LGBT, or not being forthcoming about one’s identity. At times, being in the closet also means not wanting to admit one’s identity to oneself.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Closeted and in the closet are adjectives for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, LGBT people who have not disclosed their sexual orientation or gender identity and aspects thereof, including sexual identity and sexual behavior. It can also be used to describe anyone who is hiding part of their identity because of social pressure.” | Wikipedia

Coming out 

• “When a person first tells someone/others about their orientation and/or gender identity.” | Stonewall
• “LGBT+ people living openly, and telling people about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.” | The Pride Trust
• “A lifelong process of self-acceptance. People forge a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender identity first to themselves and then may reveal it to others. Publicly identifying one’s orientation may or may not be part of coming out.” | We Are Family  
• “To disclose one sexual identity or gender identity. It can mean telling others or it can refer an internal process of coming to terms with one’s identity. In some situations, a heterosexual ally may feel the need to come out about her or his identity.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Coming out of the closet, often shortened to coming out, is a metaphor for LGBT people’s self-disclosure of their sexual orientation or of their gender identity.” | Wikipedia

Cupiosexual

Cupiosexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

D-E-F

Deadnaming

• “Calling someone by their birth name after they have changed their name. This term is often associated with trans people who have changed their name as part of their transition.” | Stonewall
• “Deadnaming is the use of the birth or other former name (i.e. a name that is “dead”) of a transgender or non-binary person without their consent. Intentional deadnaming is sometimes used to “aggressively dismiss and reject” a person’s gender identity and the name that accompanies it, which they may consider deeply disrespectful.” | Wikipedia

Demisexual

• “A person who may experience sexual attraction after a strong emotional attachment is formed. May be seen as falling on the asexual spectrum.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “A demisexual person does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a strong emotional connection with a prospective partner. The definition of “emotional bond” varies from person to person. Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation. People in the asexual spectrum communities often switch labels throughout their lives, and fluidity in orientation and identity is a common attitude.” | Wikipedia

Drag

• “Used by people who present socially in clothing, name, and/or pronouns that differ from their everyday gender, usually for enjoyment, entertainment, and/or self-expression. Drag queens typically have everyday lives as men. Drag kings typically live as women and/or butches when not performing. Drag shows are popular in some gay, lesbian, and bisexual environments. Unless they are drag performers, most Trans people would be offended by being confused with drag queens or drag kings.” | We Are Family  
• “A public performance that involves playing with gender norms and expectations. Often refers to a man who wears women’s clothing (a drag queen), or a woman who wears men’s clothing (a drag king).” | Johns Hopkins University
• “A drag queen is a person, usually male, who uses drag clothing and makeup to imitate and often exaggerate female gender signifiers and gender roles for entertainment purposes.” | Wikipedia

Femme

• “Femme is a term used in LGBT culture to describe someone who expresses themselves in a typically feminine way. There are other identities within the scope of femme, such as ‘low femme’, ‘high femme’, and ‘hard femme’. You shouldn’t use these terms about someone unless you know they identify with them.”  | Stonewall
• “Femme is a term used to describe a lesbian who exhibits a feminine identity. It has been used to distinguish traditionally feminine lesbians from their butch (i.e. masculine) lesbian counterparts and partners. Derived from the 1940s-1950s American lesbian communities following World War II when women joined the workforce, the identity became a characteristic of the working-class lesbian bar culture. By the 1990s, the term femme had additionally been adopted by bisexual women. In modern times, it has also been used by self-described feminine queer individuals of any gender. The word “femme” itself comes from French and means “woman”.” | Wikipedia

Fraysexual

Fraysexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

G-H-I

Gay

• “Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men. Also a generic term for lesbian and gay sexuality – some women define themselves as gay rather than lesbian. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.” | Stonewall
• “A man who is attracted to other men. Sometimes the word ‘gay’ is used by women who are attracted to women too.” | The Proud Trust
• “The adjective used to describe people whose enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attractions are to people of the same sex (e.g., gay man, gay people). In contemporary contexts, lesbian (n. or adj.) is often a preferred term for women. Avoid identifying gay people as “homosexuals” an outdated term considered derogatory and offensive to many lesbian and gay people.” | We Are Family
• “Gay male: a man who is emotionally, romantically, sexually, affectionately, or relationally attracted to other men, or who identifies as a member of the gay community. At times, “gay” is used to refer to all people, regardless of gender, who have their primary sexual and or romantic attractions to people of the same gender. “Gay” is an adjective (not a noun) as in “He is a gay man.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Gay is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term was originally used to mean “carefree”, “cheerful”, or “bright and showy”. The term’s use as a reference to male homosexuality may date as early as the late 19th century, but its use gradually increased in the mid-20th century.” | Wikipedia

Gender and gender identity

• “A person’s innate sense of their own gender, whether male, female or something else (see non-binary below), which may or may not correspond to the sex assigned at birth.” | Stonewall
• “Since gender is a social construct, an individual may have a self-perception of their gender that is different or the same as their biological sex. Gender identity is an internalized realization of one’s gender and may not be manifested in their outward appearance (gender expression) or their place in society (gender role). It is important to note that an individual’s gender identity is completely separate from their sexual orientation or sexual preference.” | We Are Family 
• “A person’s internal sense of their own gender. Cisgender, transgender, man, woman, and genderqueer are all examples of gender identities.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Gender identity is the personal sense of one’s own gender. Gender identity can correlate with a person’s assigned sex at birth or can differ from it. Gender expression typically reflects a person’s gender identity, but this is not always the case. While a person may express behaviours, attitudes, and appearances consistent with a particular gender role, such expression may not necessarily reflect their gender identity. The term gender identity was originally coined by Robert J. Stoller in 1964.” | Wikipedia
• “How a person feels about and knows themselves to be. This might be as a woman, a man, as both, as neither, or in another way.” | The Proud Trust

Gender expression

• “How a person chooses to outwardly express their gender, within the context of societal expectations of gender. A person who does not conform to societal expectations of gender may not, however, identify as trans.” | Stonewall
• “Refers to how a person externally presents their gender. This may be through choice of clothing, general physical appearance or social behaviour. Gender expression is most commonly/ traditionally measured on a scale of “masculinity” and “femininity”, although not always.” | The Proud Trust
• “Refers to how an individual expresses their socially constructed gender. This may refer to how an individual dresses, their general appearance, the way they speak, and/or the way they carry themselves. Gender expression is not always correlated to an individuals’ gender identity or gender role.” | We Are Family 
• “How one expresses oneself externally, in terms of dress, speech, and mannerisms that society characterizes as “masculine” or “feminine.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Gender expression, or gender presentation, is a person’s behaviour, mannerisms, interests, and appearance that are associated with gender in a particular cultural context, specifically with the categories of femininity or masculinity. This also includes gender roles. These categories rely on stereotypes about gender.” | Wikipedia

 Gender neutral

• “This term is used to describe facilities that any individual can use regardless of their gender (e.g. gender neutral bathrooms). This term can also be used to describe an individual who does not subscribe to any socially constructed gender, sometimes referred to as “Gender Queer”.” | We Are Family 
• “Gender neutrality (adjective form: gender-neutral), also known as gender-neutralism or the gender neutrality movement, is the idea that policies, language, and other social institutions (social structures, gender roles, or gender identity) should avoid distinguishing roles according to people’s sex or gender. This is in order to avoid discrimination arising from the impression that there are social roles for which one gender is more suited than another.” | Wikipedia

Gender queer

• “Genderqueer” describes a category of gender that is neither traditionally “female” or “male.” Many different, nontraditional gender identities fall under the umbrella term “genderqueer.” Genderqueer individuals may identify as having a gender somewhere between female and male or, more commonly, out of the gender binary all together. | Urban Dictionary
• Genderqueer is an umbrella term with a similar meaning to non-binary. It can be used to describe binary cisgender and transgender people within the LGBT+ community who feel that they have a queer or non-normative experience with their gender. | Gender Wiki
• Genderqueer is a gender identity that’s built around the term “queer.” To be queer is to exist in a way that may not align with heterosexual or homosexual norms. Although it’s typically used to describe a person’s sexual orientation, it can also be used to express a nonbinary gender identity. | Healthline

Gender fluid

• “A person who feels that their gender is not static and that it changes throughout their life, this could be on a daily/ weekly/ monthly basis.” | The Proud Trust

Gender non conforming

• “A person who is, or is perceived to have gender characteristics that do not conform to traditional or societal expectations.” | We Are Family
• “A person who does not subscribe to gender expressions or roles expected of them by society.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Gender variance, or gender nonconformity, is behaviour or gender expression by an individual that does not match masculine or feminine gender norms. People who exhibit gender variance may be called gender-variant, gender-non-conforming, gender-diverse, gender-atypical or non-binary, and maybe transgender or otherwise variant in their gender identity. In the case of transgender people, they may be perceived, or perceive themselves as, gender nonconforming before transitioning, but might not be perceived as such after transitioning. Some intersex people may also exhibit gender variance.” | Wikipedia

Gender roles and expectations

• “People are assigned a sex at birth and this often predetermines a gender role that a person is expected to fulfil e.g. someone assigned female at birth, will be expected to live, identify and outwardly present as a woman. There is also expectation to ‘act’ like a woman and carry out jobs that society deems appropriate for women. Gender roles and expectations are often reinforced by society, people around us and the media. People of all genders can find these expectations limiting and oppressive.” | The Proud Trust
• “A societal expectation of how an individual should act, think, and/or feel based upon an assigned gender in relation to society’s binary biological sex system.” | We Are Family
• “A gender role, also known as a sex role, is a social role encompassing a range of behaviours and attitudes that are generally considered acceptable, appropriate, or desirable for a person based on that person’s biological or perceived sex. Gender roles are usually centred on conceptions of masculinity and femininity, although there are exceptions and variations.” | Wikipedia

Gender or sexual reassignment surgery

• “Another way of describing a person’s transition. To undergo gender reassignment usually means to undergo some sort of medical intervention, but it can also mean changing names, pronouns, dressing differently and living in their self-identified gender. Gender reassignment is a characteristic that is protected by the Equality Act 2010, and it is further interpreted in the Equality Act 2010 approved code of practice. It is a term of much contention and is one that Stonewall’s Trans Advisory Group feels should be reviewed.” | Stonewall
• “Refers to a surgical procedure to transition an individual from one biological sex to another. This is often paired with hormone treatment and psychological assistance. A “Transsexual” individual must go through several years of hormones and psychological evaluation and live as the “opposite” or “desired” gender prior to receiving the surgery (see intersex).” | We Are Family
• “Gender confirmation surgery (GCS): The procedures that some trans individuals might undergo so their external bodies can better reflect their internal gender identities. Other names involve sexual reassignment surgery and gender affirmation surgery. These procedures may be called “top surgery” (e.g. reshaping a chest or providing breast augmentation) and “bottom surgery” (e.g. reshaping genitals).” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Sex reassignment surgery (SRS), also known as gender reassignment surgery (GRS) and several other names, is a surgical procedure (or procedures) by which a transgender person’s physical appearance and function of their existing sexual characteristics are altered to resemble those socially associated with their identified gender. It is part of a treatment for gender dysphoria in transgender people.” | Wikipedia

Grey-asexual

Gray-asexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

Heterosexual

• “Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women or to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men.” | Stonewall
• “A person who is attracted to people of a different gender e.g. a man who is only attracted to women.” | The Proud Trust
• “An adjective used to describe people whose enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attraction is to people of the opposite sex. Also straight.” | We Are Family 
• “A person who is emotionally, romantically, sexually, affectionately, or relationally attracted to members of a different sex. Often called a straight person.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Heterosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behaviour between persons of the opposite sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, heterosexuality is “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions” to persons of the opposite sex; it “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviours, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.” Someone who is heterosexual is commonly referred to as straight.” | Wikipedia

Heteronormativity and heterosexism

• “The assumption that everyone is heterosexual or straight, and that heterosexuality is superior, with an emphasis on heterosexuality being “the norm” and therefore having a valued position in society. The media often reinforces heteronormativity through images used and portrayal of character’s identities and attitudes.” | The Proud Trust
• “Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality, predicated on the gender binary, is the default, preferred, or normal mode of sexual orientation. It assumes that sexual and marital relations are most fitting between people of  opposite sex.” | Wikipedia

Homosexual

• “This might be considered a more medical term used to describe someone who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards someone of the same gender. The term ‘gay’ is now more generally used.” | Stonewall
• “Clinical term considered derogatory and offensive by many gay and lesbian people. The Associated Press, New York Times and Washington Post restrict usage of the term. Gay and/or lesbian accurately describe those who are attracted to people of the same sex.” | We Are Family 
• “The clinical term, coined in the field of psychology, for people with a same-sex sexual attraction. The word is often associated with the idea that same-sex attractions are a mental disorder, and is therefore offensive to some people.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Homosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behaviour between members of the same sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, homosexuality is “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions” to people of the same sex. It “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviours, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.” | Wikipedia

Homophobia

• “The fear or dislike of someone, based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about lesbian, gay or bi people. Homophobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, lesbian, gay or bi.” | Stonewall
• Discrimination against and/or fear or dislike of lesbian and gay people (including those perceived to be gay or lesbian). This also includes the perpetuation of negative myths and stereotypes through jokes and/or through personal negative thoughts about lesbian and gay people.” | The Proud Trust
• “Fear of lesbians and gay men. Prejudice is usually a more accurate description of hatred or antipathy toward LGBT people.” | We Are Family 
• “Fear of, hatred of, or discomfort with people who love and sexually desire members of the same sex. Homophobic reactions often lead to intolerance, bigotry, and violence against anyone not acting within socio-cultural norms of heterosexuality. Because most LGBTQ people are raised in the same society as heterosexuals, they learn the same beliefs and stereotypes prevalent in the dominant society, leading to a phenomenon known as internalized homophobia.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Homophobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT). It has been defined as contempt, prejudice, aversion, hatred or antipathy, may be based on irrational fear and ignorance, and is often related to religious beliefs.” | Wikipedia

Intersex

• “A term used to describe a person who may have the biological attributes of both sexes or whose biological attributes do not fit with societal assumptions about what constitutes male or female. Intersex people may identify as male, female or non-binary. Stonewall works with intersex groups to provide its partners and stakeholders information and evidence about areas of disadvantage experienced by intersex people but does not after discussions with members of the intersex community include intersex issues as part of its current remit at this stage.” | Stonewall
• “A person is assigned intersex, often at birth, when their sex characteristics don’t align with the medical definitions of “female” or “male”. A person’s external and internal body, as well as chromosomes and hormones, can all be factors when assigning sex.” | The Proud Trust
• “People who naturally (that is, without any medical interventions) develop primary and/or secondary sex characteristics that do not fit neatly into society’s definitions of male or female. Many visibly intersex babies/children are surgically altered by doctors to make their sex characteristics conform to societal binary norm expectations. Intersex people are relatively common, although society’s denial of their existence has allowed very little room for intersex issues to be discussed publicly. Has replaced “hermaphrodite,” which is inaccurate, outdated, problematic, and generally offensive, since it means “having both sexes” and this is not necessarily true, as there are at least 16 different ways to be intersex.” | We Are Family
• “A term used for a variety of medical conditions in which a person is born with chromosomes, genitalia, and/or secondary sexual characteristics that are inconsistent with the typical definition of a male or female body. The term differences of sex development (DSD) also describes these conditions. Replaces the inaccurate term “hermaphrodite.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Intersex people are individuals born with any of several variations in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones or genitals that, according to the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, “do not fit the typical definitions for male or female bodies”. Though the range of atypical sex characteristics may be obvious from birth through the presence of physically ambiguous genitalia, in other instances, these atypical characteristics may go unnoticed, presenting as ambiguous internal reproductive organs or atypical chromosomes that may remain unknown to an individual all of their life.” | Wikipedia

J-K-L

Kinsey scale

• “The Kinsey scale, also called the Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale, is used in research to describe a person’s sexual orientation based on one’s experience or response at a given time. The scale typically ranges from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to a 6, meaning exclusively homosexual.” | Wikipedia
• “Alfred Kinsey, a renowned sociologist, described a spectrum on a scale of 0 6 to describe the type of sexual desire within an individual. 0  Completely Heterosexual – 6: Completely Homosexual. In his 1948 work Sexual Behavior in the Human Male. The Kinsey Scale is often used to dissect the bisexual community and describe the differences between sexual orientation and sexual preference.” | We Are Family

Lesbian

• “Refers to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.” | Stonewall
• “A woman whose enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attraction is to other women. Some lesbians may prefer to identify as gay or as gay women.” | We Are Family 
• “A woman who is emotionally, romantically, sexually, affectionately, or relationally attracted to other women, or someone who identifies as part of the lesbian community. Bisexual women may or may not feel included by this term.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “A lesbian is a homosexual woman. The word lesbian is also used for women in relation to their sexual identity or sexual behaviour, regardless of sexual orientation, or as an adjective to characterize or associate nouns with female homosexuality or same-sex attraction.” | Wikipedia

LGBT / LGBT+ / LGBTQIA

• “The acronym for lesbian, gay, bi and trans.” | Stonewall
• “An umbrella expression and an acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans (plus other related identities).” | The Proud Trust
• “An acronym used to refer to all sexual minorities: “Lesbian, Gay/Gender Neutral/Gender Queer, Bisexual/Bigender, Transgender/Transvestite/Transsexual, Questioning/Queer, Intersex, and Allies/Androgynous/Asexual.” | We Are Family 
• “Abbreviation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and Ally. An umbrella term that is used to refer to the community as a whole. Often shortened to LGBT or LGBTQ, but not as a means to exclude other identities.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “LGBT or GLBT is an initialism that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. In use since the 1990s, the term is an adaptation of the initialism LGB, which began to replace the term gay in reference to the broader LGBT community beginning in the mid-to-late 1980s. The initialism, as well as some of its common variants, functions as an umbrella term for sexuality and gender identity.” | Wikipedia

Lifestyle/ Lifestyle choice

• “Inaccurate term used by anti-gay extremists to denigrate lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender lives. As there is no one straight lifestyle, there is no one lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender lifestyle.” | We Are Family 
• “A word often used outside the LGBTQ community to describe life as an LGBTQ person, e.g. “the homosexual lifestyle.” Many people find this word inappropriate because it trivializes identity, implies that sexual orientation is a choice, and ignores the variety of lifestyles that LGBTQ people live.” | Johns Hopkins University

Lithosexual

Lithosexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

M-N-O

Men who have sex with men (MSM)

• “An abbreviation for men who have sex with men. This term emphasizes the behavior, rather than the identities of the individuals involved.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Men who have sex with men (MSM), also known as males who have sex with males, are male persons who engage in sexual activity with members of the same sex, regardless of how they identify themselves. They may identify as gay, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or heterosexual; or dispense with sexual identification altogether.” | Wikipedia
• “Men Loving Men (MLM): commonly used by communities of color to denote the attraction of men to men.” | We Are Family 

Male to female (MTF)

• “MTF people are assigned male at birth, but wish to present as female on either a temporary or permanent basis, depending upon the degree of their dysphoria.” | The Beaumont Society
• “Male-to-female transsexual or transgender person. Probably known as a trans woman. Someone assigned male at birth who identifies on the female spectrum.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Transgender hormone therapy of the male-to-female (MTF) type, also known as transfeminine hormone therapy, is hormone therapy and sex reassignment therapy to change the secondary sexual characteristics of transgender people from masculine or androgynous to feminine.” | Wikipedia

Mx

• Though the earliest print evidence dates back to the late 1970s, the word (or title) has become increasingly popular in recent years. It is meant to be a gender-neutral alternative to established titles such as Mr. and Ms. and as the Ms. title gives no marital status, the Mx. title gives no gender. It is used by those who do not identify as being of a particular gender or those who do not wish to identified by gender. It is pronounced to sound like “mix” or “mux”. It’s unclear whether there should be a full stop after Mx | MEN R US

Neopronoun

• “Neopronouns are preferred by some non-binary individuals who feel that neopronouns provide options to reflect their gender identity more accurately than conventional pronouns.”  | Wikipedia
• “In basic terms, neopronouns are any pronouns other than he, she or they.” | Mermaids
• “The term “neopronouns” tends to refer to pronoun sets developed from the 20th century (or sometimes 19th century) to today. Many of them are actually not that new. ”  | pronouns.org

Non binary

• “Most people – including most transgender people – are either male or female. But some people don’t neatly fit into the categories of “man” or “woman,” or “male” or “female.” For example, some people have a gender that blends elements of being a man or a woman, or a gender that is different than either male or female. Some people don’t identify with any gender. Some people’s gender changes over time. People whose gender is not male or female use many different terms to describe themselves, with nonbinary being one of the most common (sometimes spelt with a hyphen, as “non-binary”).” | National Center for Transgender Equality 
• An umbrella term for people whose gender identity doesn’t sit comfortably with ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Non-binary identities are varied and can include people who identify with some aspects of binary identities, while others reject them entirely.” | Stonewall
• “An umbrella term for gender identities which are not confined by the gender binary of “women” and “men”. Non-binary people may identify with no gender at all or with more than one gender.” | The Proud Trust
• “An umbrella term describing anyone whose gender identity falls outside the binary of woman/man.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Non-binary (also spelt nonbinary) or genderqueer is a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities that are outside the gender binary. Non-binary identities can fall under the transgender umbrella since many non-binary people identify with a gender that is different from their assigned sex.” | Wikipedia

Outed/ outing 

• “When a lesbian, gay, bi or trans person’s sexual orientation or gender identity is disclosed to someone else without their consent.” | Stonewall
• “The act of publicly declaring (sometimes based on rumor and/or speculation) or revealing another person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without that person’s consent. Considered inappropriate by a large portion of the LGBT community.” | We Are Family 
• “Outing is the act of disclosing an LGBT person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without that person’s consent. Outing gives rise to issues of privacy, choice, hypocrisy, and harm in addition to sparking debate on what constitutes common good in efforts to combat homophobia and heterosexism. A publicized outing targets prominent figures in a society, for example well-known politicians, accomplished athletes or popular artists.” | Wikipedia

P-Q-R

Pansexuality/ Pansexual/ Pan

• “Refers to a person whose romantic and/or sexual attraction towards others is not limited by sex or gender.” | Stonewall
• “A person of any gender who is attracted to people of all genders.” | The Proud Trust
• “Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.” | We Are Family 
• “A person who is emotionally, romantically, sexually, affectionately, or relationally attracted to people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Use of the term often signals a repudiation of the concept of binary sexes (a concept implied by “bisexual”).” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Pansexuality is sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others.” | Wikipedia

Passing

• “If someone is regarded, at a glance, to be a cisgender man or cisgender woman. Cisgender refers to someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were ‘assigned’ at birth. This might include physical gender cues (hair or clothing) and/or behaviour which is historically or culturally associated with a particular gender.” | Stonewall
  
• “In the context of gender, passing or blending is when someone, typically a transgender person, is perceived as cisgender instead of the sex they were assigned at birth. The person may, for example, be a transgender man who is perceived as a cisgender man. The appropriateness of the term passing, and the desirability of blending into cisgender society, are both debated within the transgender community. A trans person who is perceived as cisgender may face less prejudice, harassment, and risk of violence, as well as better employment opportunities, and this is sometimes termed passing privilege.” | Wikipedia

Political correctness 

• Political correctness (adjectivally politically correct; commonly abbreviated PC) is a term used to describe language, policies, or measures that are intended to avoid offense or disadvantage to members of particular groups in society. | Wikipedia
• To be politically correct is to choose words (and sometimes actions) that avoid disparaging, insulting or offending people because they belong to oppressed groups. Oppressed groups are those subject to prejudice, disrespect or discrimination on the basis of their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or physical disability. | Its Origins and the Backlash Against It | The Conversation
• The public tend to think people are too easily offended, and some groups are particularly likely to say political correctness has gone too far Britons are relatively divided on whether people are too easily
  offended or if the way they talk needs to be more sensitive to those from different backgrounds. 55% tend to think people take offence too readily and 42% lean more towards believing it’s important to change how they communicate. | Survey: political correctness and free speech | King’s College London/ Ipsos

Pronouns and preferred gender pronouns

• “Words used to refer to someone when their name isn’t used. They usually suggest a person’s gender, although some people prefer, or identify with, neutral pronouns. Common pronouns include her, she, him, he, they, them.” | The Proud Trust
• “Preferred gender pronouns or personal gender pronouns (often abbreviated as PGP) refer to the set of pronouns (in English, third-person pronouns) that an individual prefers that others use in order to reflect that person’s gender identity. In English, when declaring one’s preferred pronouns, a person will often state the subject, object, and possessive pronouns—for example, “she, her, hers”, “he, him, his”, or “they, them, theirs”—although sometimes, only the subject and object pronouns are stated (“he, him”, “she, her”, “they, them”). The pronouns preferred may include non-traditional ones such as “ze” and “zir”.” | The Proud Trust

Protected characteristics 

• “It is against the law (in the UK) to discriminate against anyone because of age, gender reassignment, being married or in a civil partnership, being pregnant or on maternity leave, disability, race including colour, nationality, ethnic or national origin, religion or belief, sex, sexual orientation, These are called ‘protected characteristics’.” | GOV.UK
• Equality Act 2010 | MEN R US

QTIBPOC/ QPOC

• “QTIBPOC : An acronym used to abbreviate Queer Trans Intersex Black People & People of Colour, a specific ID that describes people who have heritages from continents of Africa, Asia, and Indigenous people of the Americas and Australia, and are invested in Queer politics and organising.” | Purple Rain Collective
• “An acronym for Queer People Of Colour. Another term used is QTIPOC (Queer, Transgender, and Intersex People of Colour). Queer people of colour often experience intersecting oppressions on the basis of race, gender, sexual orientation and other factors.” | Qmunity
• “An abbreviation for Queer & Trans People of Color and Queer & Trans Women of Color. These terms are rooted in the concept of intersectionality—which focuses on the intersections and interactions between various forms & systems of oppression, including: Racism, Classism, Heterosexism, Patriarchy, Religious Oppression, etc. A QTPOC framework attunes itself to the lives, challenges, and needs of people who experience these compounded and/or interlocking oppressions.” | County of San Mateo: LGBTQ Commission

Queer

• “Queer is a term used by those wanting to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be a way of rejecting the perceived norms of the LGBT community (racism, sizeism, ableism etc). Although some LGBT people view the word as a slur, it was reclaimed in the late 80s by the queer community who have embraced it.” | Stonewall
• “Historically this word was used as a negative insult, however many people feel they have reclaimed the word to have a positive meaning. Some people use it as a collective term for LGBT+ people, and some us it to explain their gender, sexual or political identity. Some people still use this word as an insult, this is LGBTphobia and should be challenged.” | The Proud Trust
• “Traditionally a pejorative term, queer has been appropriated by some LGBT people to describe themselves. However, it is not universally accepted even within the LGBT community and should be avoided unless someone self-identifies that way.” | We Are Family 
• “Term describing people who have a non-normative gender identity, sexual orientation, or sexual anatomy — can include lesbians, gay men, bisexual people, transgender people, and a host of other identities. Since the term is sometimes used as a slur, it has a negative connotation for some LGBT people; nevertheless, others have reclaimed it and feel comfortable using it to describe themselves.” | Johns Hopkins University
  “Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or are not cisgender. Originally meaning “strange” or “peculiar”, queer came to be used pejoratively against those with same-sex desires or relationships in the late 19th century. Beginning in the late 1980s, queer activists, such as the members of Queer Nation, began to reclaim the word as a deliberately provocative and politically radical alternative to the more assimilationist branches of the LGBT community.” | Wikipedia
• “Sometimes used as an umbrella term of LGBTQ, but inversely is also used as a political identity that is affiliated with left wing, radical, anti-mainstream commercialisation of LGBTQ groups. Queer is also used to mean an attraction to different genders including your own but a sexual attraction that is not fixed to binary gendered sexualities, such as Lesbian or Gay, Women or Men, but could include those identities also.” | The Purple Collective

Questioning

• “The process of exploring your own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.” | Stonewall
• “A person who is uncertain about and/ or exploring their own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.” | The Proud Trust
• “The process of considering or exploring one’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity.” | We Are Family 
• “Refers to individuals who are in the process of examining their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.” | Johns Hopkins University
   “The questioning of one’s sexual orientation, sexual identity, gender, or all three is a process of exploration by people who may be unsure, still exploring, or concerned about applying a social label to themselves for various reasons. The letter “Q” is sometimes added to the end of the acronym LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender); the “Q” can refer to either queer or questioning. | Wikipedia

Romantic orientation

• “A person’s romantic attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with sexual orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity. Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.” | Stonewall
• “A way of characterizing one’s attraction to other people characterized by the expression or non-expression of love/romance/non-sexual interaction.  People use a variety of labels to describe their romantic orientation, including aromantic, homoromantic, and heteroromantic.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Romantic orientation, also called affectional orientation, indicates the sex or gender with which a person is most likely to have a romantic relationship or fall in love. It is used both alternatively and side by side with the term sexual orientation, and is based on the perspective that sexual attraction is but a single component of a larger dynamic.” | Wikipedia

Reciposexual

Reciprosexual | LGBTQIA Fandom

S-T-U

Sex

• “Assigned to a person at birth on the basis of primary sex characteristics (genitalia) and reproductive functions.” | Purple Rain Collective
• “Organisms of many species are specialized into male and female varieties, each known as a sex. Sex is the biological distinction of an organism between male and female.” | Wikipedia

Sexism/ Gender discrimination

• “Prejudice, stereotyping and/or discrimination based on a person’s sex or gender. Although sexism can in theory affect any gender, it is particularly documented as affecting self-identifying women and girls.” |  Purple Rain Collective
• “Sexism is prejudice or discrimination based on a person’s sex or gender. Sexism can affect anyone, but it primarily affects women and girls. It has been linked to stereotypes and gender roles, and may include the belief that one sex or gender is intrinsically superior to another.” | Wikipedia

Sexual orientation

• “A person’s sexual attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with romantic orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity. Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.” | Stonewall
• “The scientifically accurate term for an individual’s enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex, including lesbian, gay, bisexual and heterosexual (straight) orientations. Avoid the offensive term “sexual preference,” which is used to suggest that being gay or lesbian is voluntary and therefore “curable.” | We Are Family 
• “An enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, and/or affectional attraction. Terms include gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual. Sexual orientation is fluid, and people use a variety of labels to describe their own.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Sexual orientation is an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, while asexuality (the lack of sexual attraction to others) is sometimes identified as the fourth category.” | Wikipedia

Sexual behaviour

• “Refers to an individual’s sexual activities or actions (what a person does sexually). Though often an individual’s sexual orientation is in line with their sexual behavior, it is not always the case.” | We Are Family 
• “Human sexual activity, human sexual practice or human sexual behaviour is the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. People engage in a variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone (eg: masturbation) to acts with another person (eg: sexual intercourse, non-penetrative sex, oral sex, etc) in varying patterns of frequency, for a wide variety of reasons.” | Wikipedia

Sexualised

• “To perceive, view, interpret or experience something in a sexual context.” | Purple Rain Collective 
• “Sexualization (or sexualisation) is to make something sexual in character or quality or to become aware of sexuality, especially in relation to men and women. Sexualization is linked to sexual objectification.” | Wikipedia

Sexual minority

• “An all inclusive, politically oriented term referring to individuals who identify with a minority sexual orientation, sex identity, or gender expression/gender identity.” | We Are Family 
• “A sexual minority is a group whose sexual identity, orientation or practices differ from the majority of the surrounding society. Primarily used to refer to LGB or non-heterosexual individuals, it can also refer to transgender, non-binary (including third gender) or intersex individuals.” | Wikipedia

Sexual preference

• “This term refers to an individual’s choice in regards to attraction. Sexual preference can be based on gender/sex, physical appearance (height, weight, race, ethnicity), or emotional connection. It is important to note that sexual preference denotes a “choice” and has a negative connotation when used to describe the LGBTQ population.” | We Are Family

Side 

• Side describes someone who doesn’t practice anal sex. It’s a newish term (this century) which is we have includes our own words here as references are few. It’s an alternative to the traditional binary classification which describes the preferred sexual position; eg: top, bottom, or versatile. The term was coined for gay men to have the language to express this sexual and erotic preference. | MEN R US 
• A homosexual male who does not enjoy anal penetration (giving or receiving), but will engage in other forms of same sex activity (fellatio, frottage, mutual masturbation, etc). | Urban Dictionary 
• Side describes someone who doesn’t practice anal sex and therefore doesn’t define himself as top, bottom or versatile. | Wikipedia 

Straight

• “Pop culture term used to refer to individuals who identify as a heterosexual, meaning having a sexual, emotional, physical and relational attraction to individuals of the “opposite” gender/sex. The term “straight” often has a negative connotation within the LGBTQ population, because it suggested that non-heterosexual individuals are “crooked” or “unnatural.” | We Are Family 
• “Heterosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between persons of the opposite sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, heterosexuality is “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions” to persons of the opposite sex; it “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.” Someone who is heterosexual is commonly referred to as straight.” | Wikipedia

Stereotype

• “A fixed idea that people have about what someone or something is like, often based on assumption and myth.” | The Proud Trust
• “Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) stereotypes are conventional, formulaic generalizations, opinions, or images based on the sexual orientations or gender identities of LGBT people. Stereotypical perceptions may be acquired through interactions with parents, teachers, peers and mass media, or, more generally, through a lack of firsthand familiarity, resulting in an increased reliance on generalizations.” | Wikipedia

Transgender/ Trans

• “An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth. Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman, trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.” | Stonewall
• “An abbreviation for transgender or transsexual.” | Purple Rain Collective 
• “An umbrella term (adj.) for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. The term may include but is not limited to: transsexuals, cross-dressers and other gender-variant people. Transgender people may identify as female-to-male (FTM) or male-to-female (MTF). Use the descriptive term (transgender, transsexual, cross-dresser, FTM or MTF) preferred by the individual. Transgender people may or may not decide to alter their bodies hormonally and/or surgically.” | We Are Family
• “Transgender people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from the sex that they were assigned at birth. Some transgender people who desire medical assistance to transition from one sex to another identify as transsexual.” | Wikipedia

Transitioning/ Transition

• “The steps a trans person may take to live in the gender with which they identify. Each person’s transition will involve different things. For some this involves medical intervention, such as hormone therapy and surgeries, but not all trans people want or are able to have this. Transitioning also might involve things such as telling friends and family, dressing differently and changing official documents.” | Stonewall
• “A term that refers to changes a person might make to affirm their gender. These changes might be medical and/ or social. E.g. a person might change their name, pronoun or clothing. A person might start to take prescribed hormones or make surgical changes to their bodies. Everyone’s transition will be different.” The Proud Trust
• “Altering one’s birth sex is not a one-step process; it is a complex process that occurs over a long period of time. Transition includes some or all of the follow­ing personal, legal and medical adjustments: telling one’s family, friends and/or co-workers; changing one’s name and/or sex on legal documents; hormone therapy; and possibly (though not always) one or more forms of surgery.” | We Are Family
• “Gender transitioning is the process of changing one’s gender presentation and/or sex characteristics to accord with one’s internal sense of gender identity – the idea of what it means to be a man or a woman, or to be non-binary or genderqueer.” | Wikipedia

Transsexual/ Transexual

• “This was used in the past as a more medical term (similarly to homosexual) to refer to someone whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.” | Stonewall
• “This term is still used by some although many people prefer the term trans or transgender. “An older term which originated in the medical and psychological communities. While some transsexual people still prefer to use the term to describe them­selves, many transgender people prefer the term transgender to transsexual. Unlike transgender, transsexual is not an umbrella term, as many transgender people do not identify as transsexual. It is best to ask which term an indi­vidual prefers.” | We Are Family
• “Term referring to a person whose gender identity consistently differs from what is culturally associated with his/her biological sex at birth. Some choose to physically change their body so it matches their gender identity. Use caution with this term as many trans people do not identify with it.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Transsexual people experience a gender identity that is inconsistent with their assigned sex and desire to permanently transition to the sex or gender with which they identify, usually seeking medical assistance (including sex reassignment therapies, such as hormone replacement therapy and sex reassignment surgery) to help them align their body with their identified sex or gender. Transsexual is a subset of transgender, but some transsexual people reject the label of transgender.” | Wikipedia

Transphobia

• “The fear or dislike of someone based on the fact they are trans, including denying their gender identity or refusing to accept it. Transphobia may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, trans.” | Stonewall
• “Discrimination against and/or fear or dislike of people whose gender identity does not align with the gender they are assigned at birth, or whose gender identity or expression doesn’t appear to align. This also includes the perpetuation of negative myths and stereotypes through jokes and/or through personal negative thoughts about trans people.” | The Pride Trust
• “Transphobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes, feelings or actions towards transgender people or transness in general. Transphobia can include fear, aversion, hatred, violence, anger, or discomfort felt or expressed towards people who do not conform to social gender expectations. It is often expressed alongside homophobic views and hence is often considered an aspect of homophobia. Transphobia is a type of prejudice and discrimination, similar to racism and sexism, and transgender people of color are often subjected to all three forms of discrimination at once.” | Wikipedia

Transvestism/ Transvestite

• “Transvestism is the practice of dressing in a manner traditionally associated with the opposite sex. In some cultures, transvestism is practiced for religious, traditional, or ceremonial reasons.” | Wikipedia
• “Transvestites (also called cross-dressers) are people who choose to wear clothes which are associated with a different gender identity to their own. This typically means a man (by sex)who dresses in feminine clothes, or a woman (by sex) who dresses in masculine clothes. Although this can include dressing androgynously and wearing both “men’s” and “women’s” clothes.” | Gender Wiki

V-W-X-Y-Z

Women who have sex with women (WSW)

• “An abbreviation for women who have sex with women. This term emphasizes the behavior, rather than the identities of the individuals involved.” | Johns Hopkins University
• “Women who have sex with women (WSW) are women who engage in sexual activities with other women, whether or not they identify themselves as lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or dispense with sexual identification altogether. The term WSW is often used in medical literature to describe such women as a group for clinical study, without needing to consider sexual self-identity.” | Wikipedia 

Women loving women (WLW)

• “Commonly used by communities of color to denote the attraction of women to women.” | Johns Hopkins University

Woke

• Woke | MEN R US

Zie and Hir

• “The most common spelling for gender neutral pronouns. Zie is subjective (replaces he or she) and Hir is possessive and objective (replaces his or her).” | We Are Family 
• “A third-person pronoun is a pronoun that refers to an entity other than the speaker or listener. The English pronouns he and she are third-person personal pronouns specific to the gender of the person (not to be confused with grammatical gender).” | Wikipedia

Other words and terms

Most of the words listed here have been used to offend or denigrate LGBT+ people, even today. But, we thought it would be interesting to try and find the origins of these words and phrases.

It’s also worth noting that some of these words have been reclaimed by LGBT+ people, such as faggot and queer.

Faggot 

Fuck

So gay

Poofter

Queer