When friends behave badly, they may just be going through a rough patch and don’t, in fact, mean to act this way.
- He drinks to the point of collapse, which may be a medical emergency
- He cannot manage his drugs and expects his friends to clean up after him, emotionally or literally
- He always takes and never gives
- He puts us down in front of others
- He never chips in
- He “steals” our boyfriend
- He steals
If someone has collapsed, is unconscious, breathing strangely, having a seizure, vomiting heavily, or cannot be woken, that is not friendship drama. Call 999.
Of course, there are often two sides to a story. People who drink or take drugs to excess, hurting themselves and those around them, may be trying to block stuff out, cope, feel better, or get through something they cannot yet face. Some people simply don’t have money to spare and feel embarrassed about it; it’s not as though we have a solvency check when someone joins a group of friends. And the friend who puts us down may be jealous, unhappy with his lot, or envious of ours.
For many, stealing from a friend is a deal breaker, but have we ever asked why?
Sometimes we put up with it, hoping that eventually, thankfully, he works through his shit. However, if we are trying to be a friend and getting hurt in the process, it may be time to put boundaries around the friendship: when and how we see him, and who else is there when we do.
Boundaries are not punishment. They are the line between caring about someone and being pulled under with them.
If this doesn’t work, we may need to decide whether to give it one last try by talking with him and/or ending the friendship. This can be difficult and stressful, particularly if we consider him a close personal friend.
It’s tough stuff, but be firm, consistent and fair, and don’t expect the conversation to be one-sided. If there’s a way forward, it will take both of us to make it happen. If he keeps contacting us after we have been clear, don’t rely on hints. Be honest, brief and consistent. Hints usually just drag things out. Bottom line: be diplomatic but honest.
Alternatively, we can ‘disappear for a few weeks’, avoiding him completely, including breaking social media ties. This may sound harsh, but life is too short to spend time with those who harm or hurt us, make us feel bad about ourselves, and/or take us down the rabbit hole… again and again.
Whatever the reason, sometimes it’s just too tough to end a friendship. If this happens, just be aware that there may come a time when he drags us into a whole new level of shit, and we may eventually crash and burn together. And sometimes, if we’re honest, part of us may be choosing the chaos too.
