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Sex Calories Counted

Sex calories counted

If you have ever wondered how many calories you use during sex, volunteers have selflessly taken part in an experiment to find out. Here are the results of weeks of frenzied and, at times,  perilous sexual activity.

However, we should clarify that translating tantrums, slippiness, sloppiness and disappointment was a task in itself and estimates have been used, in some cases. 

Despite electrodes falling off when subjects refused to stop, it’s a testament to their stamina we can share this faintly ridiculous piece of research.

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Intention for the purpose (not serious disclaimer)  | MEN R US
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Getting started cal.
mouth open 18
mouth closed) 220
Thinking about chores 11½
Tongue strain 65
Saying what turns you on 5
Ordering taxi 121
Sex cal.
Oral sex (per minute) 25
with cling film 21
without cling film 21
Putting on condom 1
with erection
without erection 300
Reaching for lube 1
Not finding it 465
Deciding position 2
Climbing into sling 30
Falling through sling 84
Condom disposal  (shitty) 34


Noises cal.
Short gasps (per gasp) 3
Groaning (per groan) 11
Shouting (5 seconds) 2
Urgent begging 12
Giving directions 15
Safeword 1
Premature ejaculation cal.
After first thrust 169
During dinner 1⅛
During mass 1⅛
Pleading for mercy 8
Orgasm and afterwards cal.
Real  177
Faked 250
Pulling out after orgasm 1
Pulling out before orgasm 501
Avoiding the wet spot 20¾
Cleaning the cat 129
Chit chat cal.
"I'm so grateful." 15
"Go out with me?" 15
"Piss where?" 15
"Are you finished?"  15
"What's your name?" 15
"Are you all from the same team?" 15
"I'll take you to casualty." 15
"Don't bother untying me."  15
"You can come back now." 15
"Where are you?" 15
“How big is your constituency?!” 69
Getting caught cal.
Trying to explain 165
Vomiting 40
Getting dressed in one motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2
Group sex cal.
Finding a top 831
Standing in a corner 830
Overcoming shyness 5⅜
Attaching badges  (each) 1
Swapping partners  
willingly 4
unwillingly 62
Mixed doubles 26
Being nice to everyone 100
Finding your partner
Finding your clothes 5
Miscellaneous cal.
No replacement batteries for vibrator/  
mouse/ torch/ fairy lights 319
Woofing wide 111
Sending cock pics to family 2001
Catfishing yourself ½
Deleting profile 261
Losing wi-fi code 672
Needing charger cable  
being used as a restraint 672
Realising you’re a bottom 1000⅛
Dropping poppers 1003
Confusing water for … 999
Farting (you thought) 529
‘Losing’ douche nozzle 315
Bungee cord snaps 71½
Vol au vents pastry burn 86
Gerbil retrieval 666¼

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